Patriots Fans Secretly Want To Be Miserable, So Maybe It’s Time We Let Them Be: Your 2019 Super Bowl Mailbag
Photograph by Ken Yee. Hello and welcome to another Super Bowl Mailbag, where I try to convince you I don’t care at all about the New England Patriots, in fact, I’m not even mad they’ve been so successful, who cares, when really they occupy every inch of my small brain like a terminal tumor. It’s...
On The Cleveland Browns, And Being Terrified In A Whole New Way
Since the franchise was reincarnated as a gimpy runt in 1999, how often have fans of the Cleveland Browns been proud of their team? After several seasons as cellar dwellers in the years that wrapped around the new millennium, the Browns made the playoffs in 2003, but lost to their “rival,” the Pittsburgh Steelers, 36-33 in...
Not To Brag But I May Have Fixed Jason Kipnis
If you are previously familiar with the Clown Show then you are aware of Jason Michael Jordan Kipnis. The Cleveland Indians’ keystone since 2012, JMJK has inspired posts such as “This is me power ranking the things Jason Kipnis does,” “Jason Kipnis reclaimed the title of Greatest Baseball Player Ever last night,” and “Here are...
“David Ashley Parker from Powder Springs” will be the country song of the summer
Well, the good news is we can all go home. Tear up the ballots, throw away every other country singer’s ambitions regarding the coveted unofficial Song of the Summer title for 2018. Some dude named Travis Denning just cut a single called “David Ashley Parker from Powder Springs” and it is the country music embodiment...
The Elite Eight As The Bittersweet Ending, And The Conflicted Feelings Of March
I remember Scoonie Penn cutting down the net. It was still light out, but Ohio State had just become the first team to punch their ticket to the 1999 Final Four. I was 11 years old, sprawled out on the couch, and I couldn’t believe it. Not that the Buckeyes were advancing, but that it...
Doug Pederson is John Hamm and America is too obsessed with winning: Your 2018 Super Bowl Mailbag
FOOTBALL! God, do I love the Super Bowl. This year I’m hosting a party and cooking wings and a pork shoulder and I’m going to scream unholy things at the Patriots until everyone leaves me to cry tears of hatred as Tom Brady hoists another Lombardi Trophy over his head. My guests won’t even have...
I Don’t Even Like Baseball
Over the past two years I’ve learned a hard truth about baseball. After seasons spent pining for the Cleveland Indians to return to the World Series, they finally got there. I was scared shitless of them facing the Cubs. When they took a commanding 3-1 lead, I was still frightened to my core. If you...
The Cleveland Indians aren’t here to make friends
The New York Yankees were probably feeling pretty fucking cool, what being up 8-3 after five and a half innings. They had knocked out the best pitcher in the American League, homered off him twice, and then went on to hit one more ding dong, off Mike Clevinger. This was the exact moment I began...
Jason Kipnis reclaimed the title of Greatest Baseball Player Ever last night
Hey guys I understand baseball better than you and would like to explain something before you watch the Greatest Catch In ALDS History. Kids are calling it The Catch, actually, it’s already usurped that decent catch by Willie Mays in 1954. What I want to explain, though, is that playing center field is hard! Have...
Teddy Atlas and Stephen A. Smith Combine For The Greatest Minute In Television History
Folks I hope you weren’t in bed like a normal human being at 2 a.m. last night, because you would’ve missed Teddy Atlas and Stephen A. Smith having a largely unitelligible disagreement about… hamburgers, I think? Teddy Atlas and Stephen A Smith screaming at each other about fast food. It's time to go to bed...
Here are 11 haikus about Jason Kipnis for no reason in particular
Five o’clock shadow For a 7:05 start Kip’s ready to go You must remember That we are all Kipnises Even you, Gilbert Bat pointed silly Steadily blinking his eyes Jason Kipnis waits Once an outfielder Now our team’s second baseman It’s Kip leading off A towering drive Down the right field line it...
My mother died three years ago today, and I wanted you to know that.
When I attempt to conjure up an image of her, she is always sick: skin dry and yellow, hair a mess, her limbs simultaneously a disconcerting amount of thin, yet bloated in the wrong parts. She comes to me in dreams the same, and it’s always clear she should not be there, that she has...
