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A couple of years ago I wrote some vitriolic words clowning on a clickbait blog post called “50 Non-Cliched, Unpredictable Places To Travel To In Your 20s” because that shit was dumb as hell.

Well, folks, it’s only so often that The Clown Show is forced out of retirement these days, but tonight was one such occasion, as I simply couldn’t stand the blasphemous title and content of a new post, which is virtually the same as the above, titled “16 Affordable Places To Go If You’re Young, Broke And Want To Travel The World.” 

First of all, if you’re actually young and broke, you don’t get to travel the world. That’s how it works. Oh, you have a friend who bought a one-way plane ticket to Europe and backpacked for six months living on “three dollars a day”? Great, they were lying, have parents who support them, and/or that “one-way plane ticket” cost like 700 bucks, SLASH THEY OBVIOUSLY RETURNED ON A SEPARATE FLIGHT AT SOME POINT CUZ EUROPE DIDN’T ABSORB THEM WHOLE. So fuck off.

Second of all, this article is so damn insane that we must go through it, together, right now.

So what’s number one on this list? Funny you should ask, number one is FUCKING AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND, which…

“If you are traveling to Auckland, New Zealand then the only thing that you may find expensive will be the flight, especially if you are flying from the US. But the food and accommodations are more than affordable here.”

I just Googled a flight from New York to Auckland and it’s literally $1,500. The statement “the only thing you may find expensive will be the flight” is a little bit like saying “the only thing about going to the Super Bowl that might be expensive is the ticket.”

Number two on this list is Marrakech, Morocco, who cares, then Manchu Picchu, because who doesn’t need a new, $2,500 Facebook profile picture?

Number four is Varna, Bulgaria, and that’s crazy because I was JUST THINKING about Varna and Bulgaria.

“Though quite underrated…”

Stop, no. Just no.

“…Varna is still one of the most affordable eastern European cities to visit. This resort town lies right on the coast of the Black Sea.” 

Great.

This is where the list really heats up, after you click on the “read more” button and the ads keep spawning like flies.

Number five out of 16 on this list that’s already gone on for far too long is Medellin, Colombia.

This lede is fucking incredible, but don’t sleep on the first word in the second sentence [sic, of course].

“Okay, so the first thing one thinks of when Colombia is mentioned is cocaine and drug trafficking. Infamouse for being a dangerous place thanks tot drug lords like Pablo Escobar, Colombia is improving its reputation and places like Medellin, Bogota and Cali are very affordable for tourists.” 

Infamouse! Tot drug lords! God, this is too fun. Also,  the structure of the second sentence changes the meaning of it altogether, and it’s basically saying that thanks to(t) the dangerous environment created by drug lords like Pablo Escobar, Colombia is on the up, folks.

Okay, as we skip over Cambodia, Cuba, etc., we get to by far the most important part of this list, which is Number Ten.

Drum roll please:

10. Arizona, USA

*Blinks*

Oh, please explain though.

“Arizona is hands down the most beautiful state in the U.S.”

Oh my god, don’t do this to me.

This is a sentence that a computer makes when it tries to imitate a drunk, yet sensitive, bro. No human being wrote this. I refuse to believe it. If you polled all of America, Arizona doesn’t end up in the top 25 of the most beautiful states in the US. Fucking Michigan wins in a landslide over Arizona. Jesus, I’ll take Mississippi over Arizona.

BUT PLEASE GO ON IT’S KILLING ME WHAT ARIZONA HAS THAT MAKES IT THE HANDS DOWN MOST BEAUTIFUL STATE IN THE US.

“It has it all, from forests to deserts and there’s something for everyone. Hike or camp or get a hotel room or timeshare, either way the rates of accommodations have gone down in recent years. Just don’t go from June to August unless you like it hot!” 

You hear that, ocean lovers? Arizona has it ALL.

Alright, everything after the most beautiful state in the US, hands down, is gonna be a letdown, but let’s move on or a brief moment to Number Thirteen, Bali, Indonesia.

“Bali is an island province of Indonesia and a popular tourist destination. With accommodations and food being extremely cheap, it’s popular with the younger crowds. If you’re a coffee lover, then this might be the place for you — coffee is found in abundance on the nearby island of Java.” 

You know what’s really cool about coffee? It’s also found in abundance on the corner of literally every American city. It might not be cheap, but it’s less expensive than flying to fucking Bali.