Fair warning! The following is the most uninspiring, useless recap of the most uninspiring, useless thing ever created. If you want to have a dandy old time, go ahead and read last year’s Home Run Derby Recap, written by Lil’ Roro. It’s golden and even includes pictures. Like this one: 


8:00: Hey! We’ve begun the 2014 Gillette Home Run Derby with a stupid lead-in about the illustrious history of the contest. Then Chris Berman tells us he isn’t going to bore us with the new rules — God, that would be so boring — before going into how the new rules are going to work. There are captains too, for some reason. Justin Morneau knows which way the breezes go in Minnesota, so it sounds like he has a huge leg up. Because playing the wind is an enormous part of the Gillette Home Run Derby.

8:05: We are in a rain delay but Berman is trying really hard to pretend that we aren’t. Pedro Gomez is now talking to Yasiel Puig in Spanglish  Spanish. Yasiel Puig is now talking in Cuban. Pedro Gomez is now translating three words for every 150 that Puig says. This is going well. Yasiel Puig is now saying 500+ words in Cuban. Pedro Gomez is smiling. I’m not sure he understands. He turned it into a baseball cliche, phew! NEWS FLASH: Yasiel Puig wants to thank all the Dodgers fans who have “been staying to the end of the game” this season. Yasiel is unimpressed with Gomez’ translation. I would be too if I cared or knew what either of them were saying. BERMAN HOT TAKE: “Pedro, that’s awesome. That’s just, uh… awesome.”

8:10: The gritty Adam Wainwright is talking about how honored he was to be named starting pitcher by his own manager while he was eating breakfast. How does he like his breakfast? The right way. Just gritty stuff. Gritty, gritty stuff.

8:15: Guys. We’re in a rain delay. We are resorting to players talking about how they may have to alter their “strategy” due to the rain delay. Giancarlo Stanton, folks. Berman is now telling us how classy it was for Stanton to pick his own manager to throw to him during the Gillette Home Run Derby and how classy it was for his manager to accept. Who is the manager of the Marlins? I have no fucking idea (Mike Redmond).

8:20: Apparently the “intrepid” Karl Ravech is here because they were anticipating a rain out, maybe, I guess. Guys, I thought the Intrepid was a car made by Dodge, but apparently it’s some adjective that perfectly portrays that guy in the Field of Dreams Baseball Tonight commercial. Barry Larkin and AAAron Boone are now being asked what it’s like to be rained out for the GILLETTE HOME RUN DERBY as though every former major leaguer has been faced with this grim situation a half dozen times. Barry Larkin’s hot take on the rain out: “Well, it can be frustrating if you allow it to be. If you see it’s just what it is, then you’ll be fine. I think the more important thing is the pitcher, not the hitter.”

8:25-9:00: I fell asleep. But actually, I had taped the home run derby and played golf and gotten ice cream instead and I realized I could just fast forward to the start of the home run derby. I feel comfortable knowing I’m the only man in America who taped the home run derby and then actually watched some of it.

9:00 There’s going to be an orange baseball that represents something for charity but is sponsored by Gillette so they can use it as a tax write-off while simultaneously making infinitely more money than they donate off of assholes like me buying their razors tomorrow. BEGIN HOME RUN DERBY. ENTER: Todd Frazier. Roll Little League World Series tape. Talk a lot about Little League World Series success. God, I can’t wait to hear Chris Berman say “back” over and over. Like a Sir-Mix-A-Lot song: Baby got BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK… John Kruk on Frazier’s brother pitching: “if he’s not nervous, he’s not human!” Kruk and Berman are so stressed about Todd Frazier’s brother pitching. Berman, after first Frazier blast: “Out goes Frazier”. He’s only be sitting that one out there for three weeks. Frazier hit two homers. Everybody is really quiet. His LLWS appearance was mentioned three times, which is one more homer than he hit. That was definitely a Vegas prop bet that the house lost. It’s okay because world-class gritty gritmaker Brian Dozier is going to try and hit home runs now for the home crowd. Oh, and there’s a rainbow, which means there’s a fucking rainbow (though Berman and Kruk seemed determined to draw some type of divine meaning from it). Cut to shot of rainbow. Berman compares it to the St. Louis Arch. Fuck. Still no “back, back, back, back.” I want my money back. The “Dozier” chants have started! Did Chris Berman just say KURT SUZUKI is an All Star? That’s impossible. Entirely not true. Brian Dozier hit two home runs. They were gritty, high-motor drives that required every ounce of his focus and energy, though. It’s as though David Eckstein and Darin Erstad had a love child prior to the 2002 World Series victory (induced by the champagne and general grittiness of that particular campaign) and he now plays second base for the Minnesota Twins and uses every inch of his penis bat to drive balls out of the stadium. But really, he hit two massive dongs small homers.

9:15: Who’s up? Who cares. If you care, somebody is up. But I haven’t seen yet and I don’t care. Oop, Troy Tulowitzki is up, with his blue collar popped. Tulowitzki: “Being the captain of the home run derby is a dream come true. It might be a once in a lifetime thing and I’m having fun with it.” Berman just called Joe Mauer a “gritty All-Star.” GODDAMN RIGHT. LUNCH PAIL. Troy Tulowitzki is having pesky at-bats but has only two homers with five outs. An enormous issue has become awfully evident: nobody can see shit. The camera men are having tons of trouble following the ball. Berman still hasn’t done a “back-back-back-back” thing. I would know because whenever I hear Berman do his signature home run call I get the sudden urge to strangle all human life in my presence. And I haven’t strangled Max nor Max yet (seriously, I watched the home run derby (I refuse to capitalize “home run derby” from here on out) with two Maxes because that’s how these things go when you are from a Waldorf-liberal-arts-school type of family). Jose Bautista is now claiming he’s dreamed of being a part of the Home Run Derby since he was a little kid, which is phenomenally sad. Bautista is wearing shades flipped upside down on his ball cap which is strange. It’s really dark. Joey Bats is hitting bombs. Chris Berman is saying “back-back-gone.” Buster Olney is telling us how hard Joey Bats prepares for the Gillette Home Run Derby which is fucking sad. Chris Berman just said “sabermatics.” Sabermatics. Please, god, no. Berman addressing Bautista dinger: “That one had hair on it.” I think he’s taking about a home run ball but I can’t understand what the double entendre might be.

Some time past 9:15: We just had the most awkward Pedro Gomez spot for Mastercard: the premise was, each time you spend 10 dollars or more with your Mastercard, Mastercard will start donating 4 million dollars toward the fight against cancer. What the fuck does that mean? How about this: every time Mastercard blows me I’ll begin to donate 4 million sperms into their mouth. Joey Bats just quit with only six outs made and 10 homers smashed. Quit. Why did he quit? Nobody has any idea. This is actually the worst contest I’ve ever seen, and not just in terms of sports related All-Star contests. I’ve seen dick-measuring contests that were more competent than this. Oh uh guys, bang the bongos, or whatever they do in Cuba– IT’S YASIEL PUIG TIME! Puig forgot to bring a pitcher with him so he has Robbie Cano’s dad pitching to him. Puig is check swinging at balls out of the zone. Puig is not doing well. Puig has hit zero home runs. Puig is done. It’s sounding like it was nerve-related, according to John Kruk. God, for such a show-off, he really didn’t show-off much.

10ish, maybe?: Chris Berman on Tony Gwynn’s impact on kids from San Diego, etc.: “Tony touched the youngster Adam Jones in a different way.” No, but seriously, he really said that. Adam Jones batted and hit some amount of home runs. Shoot me in the face. Somebody else went but wasn’t good I don’t think. The anxiously-awaited Giancarlo Stanton is now shooting bombs all over the place like they were Obama-ordered drone strikes. But he didn’t really hit that many drone strikes. Wait, Josh Donaldson is now at the dish. Josh Donaldson is in this? Josh Donaldson hasn’t hit a baseball out of the infield in two months. A little fat kid with a Victor Martinez jersey just came for a product-placement spot featuring gatorade. Berman on first Donaldson homer: “Bringer of rain– is this a bringer of ‘gone'”? Fuck. Donaldson is not good at hitting batting practice pitches into the stands. We are still in the first round. It’s 10 o’clock. This is a nightmare. Justin Morneau is up but it will be a miracle if he hits one out because he is left-handed, and there is this tall wall in right field at Target Field and no left-hander has ever hit one over said wall in batting practice (and certainly not in a game). He is in front of his hometown crowd, however (ESPN has reminded us two dozens times or so) and he might get energized. I never knew Minnesota was in Canada, but this “home town crowd” business has confirmed my suspicions. Morneau aint never gonna hit one out because it’s impossible for a lefty. I admire him for trying tho… Never mind, two homers. Incredible feat but I don’t know if it will get him to the second round or not. I don’t know because I’m not paying attention.

10:15 or something: BANG THOSE CUBAN DRUMS. THE DEFENDING CHAMPION, YOENIS FUCKING CESPEDES IS COMING TO THE DISH. BUCKLE YOUR SEAT BELTS. PUT ON YOUR “BACK-BACK-BACK-BACK” EAR PLUGS, CUZ IT’S ABOUT TO GET WILD, CUBAN STYLE. Cespedes is taking his time. He’s soaking it all in. Even though he’s already done this. Cespedes hits three bombs. The TV blacks out. For a minute or two. It comes back on to Todd Frazier at-bat again. I’m not sure why. I’ve been hearing about a “swing-off,” I don’t know what that is, and neither should you. Todd Frazier hit one. Justin Morneau did not hit one. The audio keeps cutting out, presumably because these dudes are swearing their dicks off. Very unclear what’s going to happen now. Josh Donaldson is hitting now. Again, nobody knows why. Cespedes is now hitting. He hit two balls really fucking far. Donaldson’s done. Our Little League hero is now hitting but he’s not hitting bombs. That’s why Alfredo Simon is now giving him advice. Perhaps not coincidentally, Frazier is now hitting bombs. Simon is wearing sunglasses and doling out Gatorade. It’s not sunny and nobody needs electrolytes. Now Simon is dancing with Yasiel Puig. HOLD THE PHONE I DON’T THINK THEY ARE FROM THE SAME SPANISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY (they might be, I have no idea and no inclination to look it up). GET THEM OFF CAMERA, FOLKS. Gritty, Gritty, Troy Tulowitzki is now hitting. Troy Tulo-gritty. Troy Two-homers-shitty. We’re back after an ad break. People are now “standing up to cancer” and there is a fucking hymn going on. This is the worst. P.S.: my mom died of cancer two months ago. Fuck these clowns making money off that shit. If you believe this is a high-minded, well-intentioned attempt at rooting out cancer from the world, you’re out of your mind. This is a money-grabbing venture capitalizing on the lowest common denominator Fuck those guys.

Later in evening: Anyway, Cespedes is raking bombs into the bullpen that little kids are trapped inside. I’m actually slightly worried about them. They sincerely looked trapped. Yoenis is up to a lot of home runs. Adam Jones is going to not surpass him. He doesn’t. Giancarlo Stanton has been doing mermaid poses (and dry-humping the floor) on camera as Kruk and Berman offer their approval at how good he looks. Todd Frazier is now not hitting home runs and generally being mediocre (this is a foreshadowing for the rest of the season, folks). Kruk just predicted a ball was gone but then it didn’t go over the fence. Kruk and Berman are now making excuses for Kruk about wind and rain and stuff. Earth, Wind, Fire. I don’t fackin’ know, dude.

Even Later: Now it’s not going well for Giancarlo. He’s not hitting any home runs. Well, folks, Stanton’s stretching did him no favors here. He flat out choked like the Miami Marlin he is (but seriously, two World Series championships in twenty-one years, guys? Get your shit together, Marlins). How is this still happening? How has the home run derby been going on for three hours Some people have hit — perhaps it was one of those swing-offs they keep talking about? — but we were busy talking about Kerry Wood striking out 20 people because that’s far more interesting. Then we reviewed what “Game Score” means. My brother called Bill James “Bill Walsh”– yikes. Cespedes is yoking jacks left and right, and also to left and right. He finishes with seven homers. People have stopped caring. Joey Bats is hitting bombs. Chris Berman is talking loud. BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK. Yoenis Cespedes is now in the finals against somebody. Yoenis Cespedes won this shit so long ago. We are now reviewing how in the world Roger Peckinpaugh won the MVP award in 1925. It doesn’t make sense. Look it up. Before you suggest he was a good fielder I will tell you his fielding pct. was .954. Seriously, look it up. Apparently Todd Frazier is now hitting again despite not having hit a home run all night from what I can remember? Yoenis Cespedes wins again. This is the only thing he cares about. Unfortunately nobody else cares.

Your 2014 Gillette Home Run Derby, folks.