Drunk_Previews big

Would you rather:

A) Read an MLB season preview written by sober baseball nerds?

B) Read an MLB season preview written by drunk baseball nerds?

If you answered A), you might have better luck here, or here.

If you answered B), or for some reason clicked on those links and still find yourself reading this, then buckle up, because it’s time for the Clown Show’s first annual 2014 MLB Drunk Season Preview.

The premise: aren’t you sick of reading half-assed predictions? “If Clay Buchholz can stay healthy and his FIP only regresses to a certain degree, and if Xavier Boegarts steps up and is the shortstop we think he can be and the Red Sox start winning baseball games early and often, it seems likely that they will blah blah blah blah blah…”. Fuck all that noise. We are getting drunk, not looking anything up, and telling you how we think the MLB season is going to go, fully acknowledging it probably won’t go that way at all. And if sober people think they can do any better than us, well, maybe they can. But you won’t have nearly as much fun reading what they have to say. We promise.

Today, we bring you the NL East, written by Nickysemiautomatic. Fair warning: Nickysemiautomatic is a raging alcoholic. If you’re looking for other divisions that we have already previewed, click on one of these: 

AL EAST

AL CENTRAL

NL CENTRAL

If you are looking for one of the divisions out west, this would be a good time to start complaining about the east-coast media bias. You are not paranoid, west-coasters: nobody cares about you and your sports teams. Not even you. 

Divider

NL EAST

by Nickysemiautomatic

(let it be noted its 4 pm on Sunday/march 30)

Let me start off by saying my fantasy team is gonna fuckin destroy baseballll… in fact they r so good that if u inserted these athletes into any other sport as a legit team itd be Stanley cups all around. On the other hand my favorite baseball team is gonna blow . . .that’s the Phillies… with that said they r prob gonna go like 98 and 64. (this is how I deal with knowledge of a teams ineptitude… irrational expectations). Chase Utley career year. Cliff lee cy young. Dom brown 0ver 30 hrs and starts stealing bags and fielding like a person whos good a baseball. Ryan howard a year that isn’t worse than the last. Marlon byrd … mvp. Aj burnett and cole hamels become best friends and hang out all the time, maybe start a book club or something and all the other guys get jealous and join and everybody reads real cool books and ryne sandberg and jimmy rollins see all this camaraderie (holy christ it took me so long to spell that word… first couple attempts: comradery, commorodary) and good spirit and love each other and then everybody grows beards and tugs on em when they score runs and shit. Carlos ruiz does roids and jacks a bunch of homers. I mean when u look at it this way really anything could happen and most likely what will happen is they will win every game and definitely not be the worst team in this clown show division.

Predicktion hehe – 162 – 0

Umm whats next o yeah them fuckin Nats…

Realistically Bryce harper and Strasburg both get injured and team falls apart cuz theres way too much pressure on them… they still get in playoffs but they cant get their act together even tho jayson werth continues his hitting from end of last season and has career year. I figure jayson werth is so fuckin angry at everyone for griping bout his contract and shit that he just don’t care anymore (long hair don’t care motherfuckers). I mean when I look at that beard I see the angriest fucking thing on the face of the planet (pun totally intended ps u can comment tellin me how much u liked that joke and I will prob be a happier person because of it). That is one angry fuckin beard. and fuck man jayson werth is actually pretty good. Real talk I think denard span actually will pretend to be a good leadoff man. Um they got like a crazy good rotation even when Strasburg gets injured. So like yeah they’ll be pretty good we all know this… which makes their failure so much more imminent.

Predick – 94 – 68

Ok masturbation and beverage break… brb guys…

Omg the braves… never bought into their system still don’t. uptons both em gonna be bad and mediocre and this year people aint gonna be surprised. Pitching staff is fucked injuries galore or something like that. I mean medlen and beachy out bummer. Teheran cant carry em sadly. I got a headache. Ow. Ow. Um who else sucks on that team that is named uggla, way too easy. Freddie is alright but hes got an ugly face and a dumb name so who the fuck wants to root for that cornball. I guess there are some other people on that team who are overhyped / underwhelming, but in general majority are just boring dbags (not to be mistaken with with awesome dbacks <3 goldy<3)

Dicks – 86 – 76

The ever exciting Marlins

Yep they gonna not suck as much this year. U heard me. Jose gonna be all fuck u guys kkk…kk.kkk (that was an imitation of a machine gun sound through the use of k’s) and everyone gonna be all oooooo shit… and their bullpen don’t suck sooo like Stanton just needs to hit a few bombs every once in awhile. Maybe yelich can knock some in too… but for realz they gonna surprise some people and eveyr one Miami is gonna be wylin like ooooo shitttt our team don’t suck as much anymore … and then everyones gonna be like ooo shit Stanton got hurt again now our team sucks again. But improvements on 1st home in garrett and salty and some young’uns becoming pseudo adults Im thinkin the Phillies lose all their games to em this year… I mean except for the 162 games the Phillies are gonna win.

D – 80-82

Almost fell asleep. So close… one more team. Imam do this one with my eyes closed . mad trixy like that. Okkkkk. The uhhh METS! And yes I know I naile that caps lock and bolds eyes closed. Im nasty good at typing ok. Get over it. I mean I cant really tell u much about the mets Harvey down, ey jr (one of my favs ) playin everyday. Which is dope. Gonna steal mad bags. D wright the same person and player he been forever. Bartolo gets colon cancer… harsh my b. and grandy man loses fans. Sooo yeah they still gonna suck. I eman I think the phills might beat em a couple times.

F – 66 – 96

Oooo just remembered fisther is injured that sucks for dem nats but do I think it changes their standings

… nahhh h also I think Wilson ramos gets real nasty good this year.

Um yes all my predictions are evens… makes it easier to count … fuck off.

Im sleeeeepppeeeyyye

Bye bye.