Guys, it’s been like a year since I did a drunk power rankings. Have you missed them? Don’t care. I’m doing the drunk power rankings now, so shut your traps, crack open a cold one, and let’s do this shit.

As always, the idea is that I’m not going to look up players’ names, I’m not going to look up what team plays in what division, I’m not going to look up statistics, and I’m absolutely, certainly not, no-fucking-way, looking up what the MLB standings look like. Also, I gotta be honest with you guys: it’s been a minute since I looked at the standings. If you want real, factual stuff, I’m sure you know where to find it. Otherwise, buckle up: cuz I’m really, really drunk.


1. Lost Angeles California Angels of Anaheim: Dammit. I lived in Oakland too long (2.5 years, this sentence should totally end here but it won’t) to watch the Angels overtake the A’s in what’s become the battle of MLB’s two most dominant teams. Fortunately, the Angels are a clown-show, house of cards, waiting to be blown over at the drop of a hat. That’s why God let a line drive smash Garret Richards in the face (actually, not true: he injured his knee). That’s why God got Josh Hamilton sober: just so he could be the most overpaid baseball player on the most Disney baseball team this side of Angels. Oh… well, that worked out. Anyway, this pitching staff really isn’t good, especially if Richards is out for the year. CJ “I’m so wavy it’s crazy, it’s fucking gnarly dude!” Wilson is pretty average. Jered “No, this feels great, I can’t fucking feel my elbow anyway” Weaver is totally washed up. Matt “I’m literally going to be a shoe maker soon” Shoemaker is one-hitting the Red Sox last I knew, which is par for the course, but he will not be one-hitting anybody in October. I promise you. Anyway, fuck this team — they have Mike Trout and some other white dudes and some hispanic dudes and some black dudes, but I’m over it. They won’t win the World Series. That’s why I’m ranking them first: to Jinx them.

2. Washington Nationals: Well guys, it finally came to fruition: Bryce Harper and Stephen Strasburg have turned into a two-headed monster that is leading this team to glor… wait, what? Those two dudes totally suck this year? They haven’t matched the hype? Well, that makes sense, considering the hype about them was infinite and it is impossible for a baseball player’s talent to be infinite (unless you are the 2013 version of Jason Michael Jordan Kipnis, in which case, anything is possible). Anyway, I think this team is being led by the likes of Jordan Zimmerman, Ian Desmond, Jayson Werth, Adam LaRoche etc., which seems to scream: not that good! The Indians traded Asdrubal Cabrera to the Nats for Zach Walters, and all Waters has done is everything Asdrubal never could: for example, hit in the clutch, and make decent plays in the field, post-2008. I like the nats, I’m not counting them out, but they are also a National League team (so I’m kinda counting them out).

3. Oakland A’s: Alright, time to get weird (as though we weren’t there already): the A’s are going to win the 2014 World Series. Yes, they’ve sucked since the Lester-Cespedes deal. Yes, Eric Sogard still plays second base (often). Yes, Josh Reddick is still in their lineup, all the time. Yes, their lack of offensive output in the last few weeks would make the 1990 Cincinnati Reds blush. But you know something? The 1990 Cincinnati Reds won the World Series. And this A’s offense is way better than that — they will start scoring runs again soon. Yoenis “.300 OBP+24 homers a year turns you into a posthumous MVP” Cespedes was not the difference maker in their offense. And their staff is phenomenal. The key is going to be winning the division, which is looking like more and more of an uphill battle. But do you guys know about September, Oakland A’s baseball? One word: steamrolling. One word: World-Series-Upper-Deck-Open-Whoa.

4. Baltimore Orioles: My brother is the only Baltimore Orioles fan alive who can say, “Sure, I grew up in Vermont, but I really loved Brady Anderson.” And you have to respect that, and the 50 homers that can be achieved by an otherwise-replaceable outfielder when a boatload of HGH is in the mix. Is the 2013 season of Chris Davis starting to look more and more like the 50 homer season of Brady Anderson? A little bit… Also, I made fun of Tyler Kepner picking this team to win the American League. I stand by it, primarily because Kepner said something like, “this rotation, led by Ubaldo Jimenez…” No. Nothing is led by Ubaldo, dammit. But, no, this team is good, and somehow it is actually due to their staff. This is me trying to name their starting rotation: Gausman, Jimenez (?!?!), Chen, Norris… I just have no idea. Go Orioles! I guess.

5. Milwaukee Brewers: I was chatting with Lil’ Roro today. We chat all. the. time. It’s disgusting, we are like 12-year-old boys or girls on Facebook chat. We chat nonstop. Anyway, I said, “If I could pick one catcher to be on my team, it’d be Yan Gomes.” He countered with Jonathan Lucroy. Totally fair. But seriously, are those the top two all around catchers in baseball now? I think they might be. You can have Buster Posey. You can have a hurt Yadier Molina. Yan Gomes and Jonathan Lucroy are the ones. Also, Carlos Gomez is awesome. Cuz that’s all I know about the Brewers, pretty much.

6. Los Angeles Dodgers: I’m not too enthusiastic about this squad. I think they lost me when they signed Chris Perez, who, for those scoring at home, has a 5+ ERA. Would you expect anything less? At least he can (sort of) legally buy pot in California. They have a crazy amount of former closers, too: Perez, Brandon League, Brian Wilson: yikes. Andre Ethier still occasionally plays for them which is disturbing. This team would have no chance in any other division, I’m convinced. At least Zack Grienke still pitches pretty good usually, and that whole Clayton Kershaw thing is pretty real. This is a 100% true story that casts Red Sox fans in a negative light (in other words, it’s my favorite kind of story): last night I was at my dear friend Natalie’s 25th birthday party. Her older brother was talking to their 10-year-old nephew, who is a serious Red Sox fan, from what I can tell. He said this actual sentence: “Yeah, we kinda suck, but it sounds like we are going to sign Kershaw in the off season.” No, guys, I’m so serious. That happened. It’s just that LAD-BOS pipeline: the gift that will never stop giving, even when it is the greatest left-hander since Sandy Koufax being discussed.

7. Detroit Tigers: I really don’t know what the deal with this team is (that might be the opening sentence to every single one of these “breakdowns”). I can’t figure them out. It’s pretty much Victor and Miguel + 4 really good starters, which seems like a lot of wins to me. Also, I want to note that I recently dropped Justin Verlander from my fantasy roster. I didn’t feel a thing. It was beautiful. I had invested so much time, patience, and faith in that relationship, and, finally, I just said “I’m over it, this dude sucks.” How does one go from the greatest pitcher of the 21st century, to being dropped off my fantasy team in just TWO seasons? I don’t know, but I’m not here to argue. See, I am a real baseball fan: fantasy takes a backseat to my aspirations of the Indians sometime being good. And if Justin Verlander is no longer a dominant starting pitcher? I’m so fine with that. I respect the dude, but I’m not going to complain. Detroit has been spoiled with riches since losing a comical 119 games earlier this century. Anything that makes them worse makes me happy.

8. Seattle Mariners: Some lady tweeted something like, “It’s fun, watching the rest of the American League compete to not be the team that has to face King Felix in a one-game playoff.” Dude. Too true. I really, really respect and love Felix Hernandez, which I think makes me a human being. Also, as a former (sub-par) right-handed pitcher, there is no guy you would rather watch. King Felix is the one. I won’t comment on the rest of this team because it’s kind of brutal and they are not going to go deep in the playoffs. But rest assured, home or away, if Felix pitches the AL Wild Card game, the other team is FUCKED, which makes the A’s-Angels race all the more exciting.

9. St. Louis Cardinals: I loved the story about Lackey giving Neshek a Babe Ruth signed baseball for the uniform number, 41. First of all, Lackey absolutely has another ball signed by Babe Ruth, don’t kid yourselves. Lackey is way too selfish to give away a precious possession like that. Second of all, 41? Really, John? You had to have 41? Seems odd. Third of all, everybody made this out to be a “charitable act.” No, dudes, Neshek was the one who was like, dude, it’s a number on the back of my uniform, who cares?! Anyway, are the Cardinals good? Aren’t they always? They’ll probably make it to the NCLS and play the game the right way and make all the rest of us gag because who could possibly like the Cardinals.

10. San Francisco Giants: The Giants just won an appeal against the Cubs — in that a game should not have been prematurely rained out due to the inferior groundskeeping carried out by the Cubs staff — which is kind of like the Dallas Cowboys winning a court decision vs. the Hamilton Tiger-Cats: over before it started. But, seriously, the Giants aren’t going anywhere this season, even if they crawl into the NL Wild Card. I’ve been told thousands of times that I look like Tim Lincecum, and I’m here to tell you that my dad looks more like him than me.

11. Atlanta Braves:  The Bravos, baby! Cuz you just want to hear an encore of the Chop! These are the things I know about the Braves: Mike Minor has been awful this year. Craig Kimbrel has somehow lived up to the insane fantasy hype. Jason Heyward is really, really good at fielding his position. BJ Upton cant hit bombs and people still think he’s overpaid (which is totally true). Justin Upton will forever be associated with BJ. Chris Johnson is a gritty, hustle player that hits for average. And some guy that is not fantasy relevant plays second base. His name is like TJ Lindsay or something. Wait, I’m going to get this. I’m thinking. I really can’t remember his name. Oh well.

12. Toronto Blue Jays: RA Dickey is going to save this franchise! Look at Miguel Melky Cabrera go! How did nobody else pick up Juan Francisco?! It turns out Mark Buehrle is really good! This franchise is a goddamn clown show, ladies and gents. They will never be good. Don’t pay attention to them until they move to Montreal.

13. Pittsburgh Pirates: Who wants to watch Mark Melancon serve up long balls in the ninth inning?! I know I do! Starling Marte is on my fantasy team and he KEEPS GETTING PUT ON THE DL FOR STUPID REASONS. “The Bereavement List” is code for: i’m too soft to care about my baseball team. “Concussion” is code for: I don’t live in the now, I live for tomorrow. What’s next, paternity leave?! Fuck that guy and his forward-thinking philosophy.

14. New York Yankees: I love how, no matter what, the Yankees have to be buyers at the trade deadline. Or at least they have to appear to be to their fans. This year they bought… they bought… um…. Chase Headley! And, and, and… other guys! They are awful. Stick a fork in them. Derek, we’ll send you a gift basket of autographed stuff for sleeping with us for the last 19 years.

15. Cleveland Indians: Dude, this team is so fucking .500. I did 8 hours of research — I promise, that’s not an exaggeration — trying to find the “most .500 team” of all-time. Meaning, I was trying to find the baseball team that has held a .500 record the most times throughout a season. I failed miserably and scrapped the article. But let me tell you: the Indians are going to finish 81-81. And we are all going to have to deal with that. Bright spots: Yan Gomes, Michael Brantley, Corey Kluber. Dark spots: Jason Michael Jordan Kipnis, Nick Swisher, Michael Bourn, the rest of the starting rotation not named “Corey Kluber” (though they’ve done not as bad as I may be implying). This team will be good in two years. More Zach Walters. Less Nick Swisher.

16. Miami Marlins: You are probably thinking: “how come Ricky hasn’t ranked the Royals yet?” Oh, just you wait. Anyway, the Marlins are a good young squad with a ballpark their fans don’t deserve. Would you rather: watch Giancarlo Mike Stanton hit a home run, or eat a butterscotch ice cream sundae? I sincerely don’t know the answer to this one.

17. Tampa Bay Rays: If you are still reading this, you’re drunker than I was when I wrote these power rankings. Which is impressive. Anyway. The Rays! Hopefully they rebuild. And get a new stadium. Because they are a fun team that I like to watch and talk about. Nobody will ever be able to answer the question “how did they only get Drew Smyly and Nick Franklin by dealing David Price,” but at least we can try to find the answer. It’s like the Holy Grail of deadline deals. Speaking of — did you know the Expos once dealt the Indians: Cliff Lee, Grady Sizemore, and Brandon Phillips for two months of Bartolo Colon? There was some other guy involved, but he is merely a footnote. Oh, and Colon won the Cy Young the next year… pitching for the Angels.

18. Cincinnati Reds: If you care at this point during the rankings you are either: A) morbid B) drunk, or C) a fan of a really, really bad baseball team. The Reds have been laughable since the All-Star Break. That’s what you get when you employ baseball players like Mat Latos. But seriously Mat: where is the other “T” in your name? Disgraceful.

19. Houston Astros: No, I’m so serious. I like the Astros. They are gonna be good someday.

20. Chicago White Sox: Jose Abreu. Chris Sale. Are there other good players on this team? Nah. Remember when Alexei Ramirez lead the league in hitting? I do, cuz he hit a walk-off homer against the Indians. Fuck that guy.

21. New York Mets: Note to real-life GMs: if Curtis Granderson is leading off for your team in 2014, you’re going to lose your job. That’s a fact. This year I have kept Matt Harvey on my fantasy-league, 60-day DL since April, and I couldn’t be happier. It’s going to pay dividends. I love Matt Harvey. This teams ceiling next year is 80 wins though, sorry.

22. Boston Red Sox: Here’s the thing about the Red Sox: they are going to win the World Series in 2015. I hate that. I hate to admit that. But it’s true. They KILLED the 2014 trade deadline, and they weren’t that bad to begin with. I just want everyone to know that I’ve actually spoken to Red Sox fans that had a problem with JOHNNY GOMES being dealt in the trade that was essentially John Lester-for-Yoenis Cespedes.

23. San Diego Padres: I have some serious anger toward this organization. I have spent a total of 9 days (on two separate trips) in San Diego during the baseball season. I’ve heard Petco Park is pretty cool, yet they have not been there while I was. I hate the Padres. That’s all I got. Oh! Also: I decided I was a Padres fan for awhile while I became disconnected with baseball, late in my high school years (what can I say? I loved Brian Giles and getting naked). There are still people I know that identify me as a Padres fan. It’s the most embarrassing thing that happens to me. And I’m a fucking Cleveland fan.

24. Philadelphia Phillies: Holy god, this team made a deal with the devil, huh? “Devil, give us the 2008 World Series and we’ll never complain again.” Well, Philly fans are no doubt complaining, but seeing as they belong to a second-rate city, thank god nobody can hear them. They are going to be bad for a long time. This is my favorite Phillies joke in a long time, a blogger’s username: Ruin Tomaro, Jr.

25. Arizona Diamondbacks: This stupid team throws at people all the time and it’s really stupid. I hate them. Godly (note: Goldy, but let’s stay with Godly) is out for the year. They might as well throw at everyone they face and get it over with.

26. Chicago Cubs- “Deep farm system”= we’ve heard this one before. But serioulsy, I hope having ten different prospects at the shortstop position works out for ya’ll. (just kidding: i don’t care).

27. Minnesota Twins: Yikes! This team is so bad that the other day I heard Rod Gardenhire talking about how good the Indians are. Enough said.

28. Texas Rangers: 2010, 2011 AL Champs! George W. Bush went to every game when they were good! The Rangers are so bad. How did this happen so quick? some might point to injuries; others would point to the state of Texas.

29. Colorado Rockies: Yikes! They play okay at home. They are so bad.

30. Kansas City Royals: Fuck ’em. I don’t care what you think. I hate this team. They won’t go anywhere, they are the Royals, I hope they suffer and don’t make the playoffs. Which they will. The Royals are the worst.