I just have no idea where to start with “American Ride.” I’ve spent weeks — months, years — listening to this song and wondering what the fuck it is getting at. From what I gather, it is basically Toby Keith taking shits on every one and everything that has ever been associated with America prior to declaring that he loves America. Because that makes sense.

First, let’s watch the video together, shall we? And really, you might want to watch until the end, when Kim Jong-il, Muammar Gaddafi and Fidel Castro get murdered by cannonballs while a smiling Toby Keith rides a boat into the distance. Important note: this music video premiered in August 2009, and about two years later all three men were out of power. Is it possible Toby Keith had something to do with all that?

Well, then.

It’s almost like a scene from Team America, but it’s also almost like Toby Keith is serious. But it must be satire? But he really loves America. My head hurts.

Really, there is only one way to get to the bottom of this: we need to take a look at the lyrics, line by line. If you think I’m happy about this, you are wrong. But folks, I am your humble servant, leading you toward the enlightening light that is enlightenment.

Here we go.

Winter gettin colder, summer gettin warmer

This is true, statistically speaking. Are you being sarcastic, though, Toby? Are you being serious? Are you a human being?

Tidal wave comin cross the Mexican border

I think the “tidal wave” he is referring to is the tsunami of Mexicans (doesn’t matter where they are from, they are all Mexicans at heart) that have been spilling over into America since the dawn of time. Little known fact: Mexican dinosaurs were constantly trying to ford the Rio Grande with little success (the American dinosaurs would just have like 50 T-Rex on the border to stifle the Mexican dinosaurs’ repeated attempts at living the American Dream).

Why buy a gallon, its cheaper by the barrel

I… what? Who is buying barrels of oil instead of gallons? And if they are, they are probably gas stations. And in that case, shouldn’t they be? Aren’t you super into trucks and motorcycles, Toby? Don’t you need gallons — fuck it — barrels of gas to make sure those things run really fucking good? Don’t you want to save money? Should we move toward electric trucks and motorcycles? But maybe you’re being literal and not sarcastic, or satirical, or silly?

Just don’t get busted singin Christmas carols

Totally. Totally know what you mean here. I’ve heard about the epidemic of people getting arrested for singing Christmas carols. In fact, I think 50% of inmates are Caucasians that were busted singing Christmas carols (the other 50% being those that had the nerve to listen to such caroling). It’s something like that, I don’t have the stats on hand. I’ve also heard that if you get busted singing Christmas carols INSIDE THE JOINT? Oh fuck, man. One word: Solitary. Confinement.  

That’s us, That’s right
Gotta love this American ride

No, yeah, it’s pretty evident you love this American “ride”. What with all the serious/sarcastic/satirical anecdotes you’ve been celebrating/commiserating/complaining about.

Both ends of the ozone burnin

I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure the ozone layer does not have “ends.” Because it’s a layer in the earth’s atmosphere. And the earth is — and I know, this is about to blow your mind — a sphere. Not flat. In all fairness, this was established only like 500 years ago, which is right around when America was founded I think.

Funny how the world keeps turnin

So, do you mean like, “funny” as in maybe both ends of the ozone aren’t burning because we have irrefutable evidence to the contrary in the fact that the world is still turning? Or like “funny” as in it’s kind of amazing the world is still turning the way we’ve been treating it? Or like “funny,” it’s generally humorous that we’ve fucked up our planet so bad that the ozone is burning (also, in all cases, I really think “burning” is the wrong term for what’s happening to the ozone)?

Look ma, no hands
I love this American ride
Gotta love this American ride

I do have to appreciate him rhyming “no hands” and “Amer-i-can.” And that whole metaphor of like, taking your hands off of the handlebars? Deep. Wild. Crazy. I think I might write a country song titled “Deep, Wild, Crazy.” It will be better than “American Ride”, I promise.  

Momma gets her box off watchin Desperate Housewives

Okay, that line is obviously supposed to read: “Momma gets her rocks off…” but I got these lyrics from a budget lyrics site and I’m so much more down with her getting her box off to Desperate Housewives. Also, no matter what, what’s wrong with that? Either version of the lyrics? Why can’t Momma watch TV shows and get her box/rocks off?

Daddy works his can off payin for the good life

Oh, I see. Classic American shit, man. Dude is just working so goddamn hard — in fact, he’s working his can off — and his wife is just sitting at home — on her can — watching a fucking TV show about housewives. Unbelievable. He should either:

A) File for divorce.

B) Cheat on her (if he hasn’t already… I mean, all those hours at the office? SEX.)

C) Well, I’m not going to say it. But it sort of rhymes with “beat her.”

Kids on the YouTube learnin how to be cool

Kids these days. Gotta have the “kids these days” line or we don’t have a country song. Also, it’s really important to say things like “on the YouTube” to make it clear you don’t know what that is. Even though you have thousands, upon thousands of videos “on the YouTube” that kids are totally watching in order to learn how to be cool (and I have to agree, that’s definitely a problem).

Livin in a cruel world, pays to be a mean girl

Women. Amiright?

That’s us, That’s right
Gotta love this American ride
Both ends of the ozone burnin
Funny how the world keeps turnin

“Polar ice caps melting in the ocean/

Doesn’t mean that the system is broken.”

Look ma, no hands
I love this American ride
Gotta love this American ride

Poor little miss, Americas town

Wow, that punctuation is something else. I think we were going for, “Poor little Miss America’s town,” but let’s go with it.

She gained five pounds and lost her crown

Is that how that works? Do they come around and weigh the winners of the Miss America Pageant, taking away the victor’s crown if she puts on weight? Should we care about this?

Quick fix plastic surgical antidote

Oh, shit! Don’t worry guys, she’s not going to lose her crown because she got plastic surgery.

Got herself a record deal, cant even sing a note

Oh. She went a different route and got a record deal? I wonder if she still competed in the pageant? Also, God do I hate those untalented people who get record deals, especially those ones that just look good, or fit perfectly into a marketable niche that will produce fans, success, and money. Kill ’em all. Get them out of this America that we (may or may not) love so much before it’s too late. And by “before it’s too late,” I mean, before the world ends because the ozone is all burnt up.

Plasma getting bigger, Jesus getting smaller

In all fairness, if Jesus were on a bigger plasma screen, then isn’t he getting bigger? And, in all fairness, if Jesus is dead — (he’s dead, right?) — he probably has decomposed and his body is technically a lot smaller, yes. Oh, wait, is that not what happened?

(Listens to story about what happened to Jesus). 

Oh, okay, that makes sense… but is he bigger or smaller?

Spill a cup of coffee, make a million dollars

In all fairness, it was less than $600,000.

Customs caught a thug with an aerosol can

In all fairness, you could do some serious damage on a flight with a can of aerosol.

If the shoe don’t fit, the fit’s gonna hit the sham

That’s right. If the shoe don’t fit? The fit is going to hit the sham. And when the fit hits the sham? It’s a little bit like when the shit hits the fan. But instead, the fit is hitting the sham. Because the shoe don’t fit. And you can’t swear in country songs. No shit? No shit. 

That’s us, That’s right
Gotta love this American ride
Both ends of the ozone burnin
Funny how the world keeps turnin
Hot dog, Hot damn!

I love this American ride

Gotta love this American ride

Oh yeah,
na na na na na na na na

I think the initial plan was to have this song cross fade into “Hey, Jude.” Could be wrong.

Anyway, what better way to end the week than with the most confusing song ever written?

Oh, a little nugget of information I find intriguing: maybe you listened to this song, and thought “I bet that Toby Keith is a big Republican, despite the fact that he shits on both liberals and conservatives during this song.” And that’d be fair, especially if you’d heard other Toby Keith songs, like the one where he says (in reference to the countries harboring Al-Qaeda, post-9/11): “we’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the American way!”

Well, Toby Keith voted for Obama. Twice. He was a registered Democrat until recently. So his political motivations are as unclear as the things he sings about.

Happy Friday, folks!