Well spring time is in full swing and that means baseball is back. Or if your life is in anyway similar to mine, baseball just got a hell of a lot more serious.

I suppose I should provide a little background. I grew up in small town in Western New York where Red Sox and Yankee fans peacefully cohabited convenience stores and coffee shops. I do not claim to know much about baseball but I can explain the game’s basic elements, which is more than other people can say. Within the past year, two things have happened which I believe are the reasons I am writing this today:

1: I moved in with two guys who are intensely passionate about their fantasy baseball team(s).

2: I’ve watched a lot of Bob’s Burgers.

So while my roommates jibber-jabber about their roster picks, my mind tends to wander in order to entertain its self. One day, this resulted in a stroke of genius: I realized I needed to take a page from Tina Belcher’ Fantasy Friend Fiction and start talking about the player’s butt any time a player was being discussed in my presence. Because let’s be honest… butts are funny.

I pitched the idea to a few people and Bam!  I made that shit happen. I Googled a list of the Top 10 (Preseason) Fantasy Baseball Picks of the Year and then I re-ranked the players by the quality (and quantity) of their butts.

 #10 Andrew McCutchen (#3 Fantasy Pick)

McCutchen, McCutchen, McCutchen….

Well someone had to be last. This outfielder needs a thick steak, a tall glass of milk, and maybe a good tailor because this is sad.

#9 Miguel Cabrera (#2 Fantasy Pick)

All Guns

No ammunition.

Good thing a crown sits on your head and not on your ass because this ass couldn’t hold one crown let alone three… Boringgggggggggg.

#8 Edwin Encarnacion (#8 Fantasy Pick)

The difference between his O face and mine?


Mine sounds disappointed.

I should cut Encarnacion some slack; the quality of this picture isn’t great. But if I’ve learned anything from reality TV royalty, hire someone to take a good picture bro. Nobody knows what you got if we can’t google it.

#7 Jacoby Ellsbury (#7 Fantasy Pick)

You see that uniform choice? Yes Ellsbury, those new pin stripes you’ve been wearing do make your ass look fat… and not in a good way. But don’t you worry your pretty little head, I chose the pictures that were more flattering to your figure… the color red helps New Englanders forget that they think you’re an ass and keeps them focused on your ass; which is, eh, not too bad.

#6 Mike Trout (#1 Fantasy Pick)

I’m not sure if I can express how I feel about this ass in a way that will make sense but I’ll try.

Trout is like an 18 year old girl in Abercrombie and Fitch jeans standing next to a 22 year old girl in yoga pants. Both appealing, but one’s not quite ripe enough. Trout needs a few more years on those hips before this lady will move him up the list.

#5 Carlos Gonzalez (#5 Fantasy Pick)

This gentleman shares a name with Ricky Martin’s boyfriend so for the sake of the next few sentences I recommend that we all pretend that they are the same person.

Let’s all take a moment to appreciate the male form and imagine him and Ricky in speedos spreading out a beach towel, maybe sharing a picnic of grapes and kiwis. Ricky would be all like “Do you want the sunblock on your back? I don’t want you be burnt for the big game on Sunday…. Oh you’re so tense.” I could get down with that.

             ^Ricky Martin         Real Boyfriend^

Now back to this Gonzalez, from what I can tell he’s looking pretty good from all angles.  I mean Gonzalez is used to being #5, so this feels safe.

#4 Paul Goldschmidt (#4 Fantasy Pick)

He’s getting wet…


and I’m drying out…

I’m not going to lie, I mainly chose the caption just because I thought it was funny. Clearly the squats Goldschmidt is doing at first base are paying off. This particular rear-end is proportional yet plump. Even the catcher looks like he wants to give it a pinch.  Also, it looks like he’s enjoying getting that water thrown on him… Am I right boys?! He’s all like “No, don’ttt (giggle, giggle) my uniform’s white… It’ll be all see through”.

#3 Robinson Cano (#9 Fantasy Pick)

Do you think Cano and Beyoncé have the same trainer? Or does Jay Z just appreciate smooth curves on all his associates?

#2 Clayton Kershaw (#10 Fantasy Pick)

This kid looks like he would show you a good time in some dusty barn that he stores his tractor in. Also, it’s not every day that you see a man that can touch his knee to his chest. Kershaw: 10th place in Baseball picks, a 2nd place ass, and 1st place in flexibility. Those are some pretty good stats if you are asking me.

#1 Chris Davis (#6 Fantasy Pick)

Took your mama 9 months to make ya,


Might as well shake what your mama gave ya.

I mean did you really think that there was a chance of anyone else making number one? This boy is thick, like rap video thick. This is the kind of man that won’t leave bruises from his hip bones. And let’s be honest, that’s almost as bad as someone pushing your head down.  Let’s also acknowledge that Davis knows how to wear a belt, accentuating the smallest part of his waist just to show just how “Oh-shit-God-damn” his ass really is.

So here’s a slow clap and a tip of my hat to you, sir.

P.S. I would not mind watching him make it clap.


You’re Welcome.

This is Missy’s first contribution to the Clown Show. Hopefully it is not the last. Get her on twitter @MissyDeClit.