Ricky Automatic
Here are 11 haikus about Jason Kipnis for no reason in particular

Here are 11 haikus about Jason Kipnis for no reason in particular

Five o’clock shadow For a 7:05 start Kip’s ready to go   You must remember That we are all Kipnises Even you, Gilbert   Bat pointed silly Steadily blinking his eyes Jason Kipnis waits   Once an outfielder Now our team’s second baseman It’s Kip leading off   A towering drive Down the right field line it...
My mother died three years ago today, and I wanted you to know that.

My mother died three years ago today, and I wanted you to know that.

When I attempt to conjure up an image of her, she is always sick: skin dry and yellow, hair a mess, her limbs simultaneously a disconcerting amount of thin, yet bloated in the wrong parts. She comes to me in dreams the same, and it’s always clear she should not be there, that she has...
So Can Vermont Beat Purdue, Or What?

So Can Vermont Beat Purdue, Or What?

Tonight! #4 Purdue vs. #13 Vermont, 7:27 p.m. TruTV (live from Milwaukee or some shit)  Last time we checked in with UVM hoops was five days ago, when they were gearing up for the America East championship final at home against Albany. I rather foolishly predicted Vermont to win easily, which was making me feel...
Pigskins, Eliteness, and Tom Brady the Fuck Boy: Your 2017 Super Bowl Mailbag

Pigskins, Eliteness, and Tom Brady the Fuck Boy: Your 2017 Super Bowl Mailbag

Hello and welcome! Glad you could make it. For the fourth year in a row, I took some questions from friends and answered them. This year, many of them actually have to do with the Super Bowl, which is a change of pace, but I’m all for it. As always, I look forward to being...
Just Like A Dream: Jason Kipnis Crushes Dong At Fenway Park

Just Like A Dream: Jason Kipnis Crushes Dong At Fenway Park

Show me show me show me how you do that Kip the one that makes me scream, she said the one that makes me laugh, she said and threw her arms around my neck …JUST LIKE A DREAM. Other fun Jason Kipnis antics at Fenway: Jason Kipnis, career at Fenway:
Bob Nightengale's "Chemistry in Baseball" Take Is Too Hot To Be Real

Bob Nightengale’s “Chemistry in Baseball” Take Is Too Hot To Be Real

Bob Nightengale writes about baseball for USA Today and has now forced The Clown Show out of hibernation with the hottest take of the summer. Don’t blame me, folks. Blame Bob. Bob’s title is chronic, radioactive click-bait in its raw form: “From Field To Front Office, Many Believe Chemistry Still Matters In Baseball.” You hear that...
The Clown Show Has Peaked

The Clown Show Has Peaked

   
Marshawn Lynch, The Tune Squad, and Your 2015 Super Bowl Mailbag

Marshawn Lynch, The Tune Squad, and Your 2015 Super Bowl Mailbag

  There is nothing like the Super Bowl: shitty beer, junk food, and two teams that you don’t really like, playing in a game that will probably be a shitty, lopsided-affair, despite the pundits’ predictions on the contrary. Let’s take this time to answer some pressing questions — sometimes even relating to the Super Bowl itself —...
Stephen Curry Plays The Sport Formerly Known As Basketball

Stephen Curry Plays The Sport Formerly Known As Basketball

This strikes me as the type of thing Steph made up in the middle of doing it. I’m not even sure you could practice that move if you wanted to: it’s pure instincts, and Joakim Noah would probably not always be available for posing on his heels like a damn deer in headlights. Anyway, the Warriors...
Non-Cliched, Unpredictable Takes On 50 Non-Cliched Places To Visit

Non-Cliched, Unpredictable Takes On 50 Non-Cliched Places To Visit

I should really stay off of Facebook, but I can’t help myself. I end up clicking on lots of links just to see how stupid they are, which definitely means the creators of such posts have won, and I’m the stupid one. And today, shit got really stupid. I saw an article that is actually, literally, I swear-to-God, titled, “50...
The Real Issue Facing Modern Country Music

The Real Issue Facing Modern Country Music

One of the older jokes I know — and I’m sure you have heard it as well — goes like this: if you rewind a country song, your truck starts, your wife returns, and your dog comes back to life. People still recite that joke as though nobody has heard it, just as artists continue to...
Google Reviews of the Golden Gate Bridge Are The Strongest Takes

Google Reviews of the Golden Gate Bridge Are The Strongest Takes

    Please do not ask me why I first looked at reviews of the Golden Gate Bridge, because I could not answer that question. All I know is I found myself looking at them one day, and the experience taught me that reading Google (or Yelp, or whatever) reviews of a place you wouldn’t think to...