MLB: Cleveland Indians at Boston Red Sox

Just when we thought Chris Perez couldn’t possibly haunt us, he begged to differ.

Don’t worry folks; we finally figured out what made Chris Perez the Team Captain of the Clown Show. Weed! It makes so much sense.

While Vinnie “The Pistol” Pestano was getting his hog out in the 8th inning, slaying opposing hitters, Chris “The Clown Show” Perez was getting his bong out, preparing himself for yet another baffling display of utter incompetence.

Perez, quite possibly the worst two-time All Star in baseball history — a claim I’m not equipped, nor interested, to defend — was doing his best impersonations of himself every time out this year. For those of you fortunate enough to not have to watch Chris Perez attempt to close out ball games, let’s go through a quick sampling of his last 3 save opportunities, leading up to his shoulder completely “giving way” at Fenway Park, landing him on the 15 day-disabled list, and, eventually, landing him in this mug shot.

Outing #1, May 18th, vs. Seattle

This is back when the Indians were on an absolute tear. Alas. Anyway, the Indians spot Clown Show Perez a 4-2 lead heading in to the top of the 9th. What could possibly go wrong? Perez retires Kendry Morales on a line drive. Too easy! Michael Morse strikes out, window shopping. One more, Chris!

This deserves a new paragraph. And by “this” I mean Raul Ibanez and Justin Smoak’s back-to-back homers that tied the game at 4. After regrouping to get Jesus “The Monster” Montero to ground out, Perez went back in the dugout to get high, missing Mark Reynolds’ walk-off fielder’s choice in the bottom of the 9th.

Outing #2, May 19th, vs. Seattle

The very next day, Perez went back to work. Once again, the mighty Tribe had spotted Perez with a lead, but this time it was only a one-run lead. Mariner’s manager Eric Wedge had the presence of mind to know Perez’s weakness: batters with two legs and two arms. That’s the only way he could have possibly had the prescience to pinch-hit Endy Chavez for Kelly Shoppach. What happened next in this inning deserves some Yahoo! Sports play-by-play action:

– E. Chavez homered to deep right center
– C. Perez made sad face.
– R. Andino struck out looking
– B. Ryan walked
– M. Saunders struck out swinging
– B. Ryan stole second
– J. Bay walked
– D. Huff relieved C. Perez
– K. Seager flied out to left

That’s right, folks, David Gregory Huff (lifetime Major League ERA: 5.41 in 289.1 IP) got the Indians out of a jam that Tito Francona did not believe Chris Perez could. In all fairness to Perez, Endy Chavez does hit a home run once every 108 plate appearances.

And yes, the Indians won this game too, on Yan Gomes’ bottom of the 10th, three-run dinger.

Outing #3, May 26th, @ Boston

Fasten your seatbelts. We’re shifting into Clown Show overdrive.

Chris Perez truly outdid himself this time. First, we look at the play-by-play:

– C. Perez relieved C. Allen
– D. Pedroia walked
– D. Ortiz doubled to deep center, D. Pedroia to third
– M. Napoli grounded out to shortstop, D. Pedroia scored
– D. Ortiz stole third
– J. Saltalamacchia grounded out to first, D. Ortiz scored
– J. Gomes walked
– S. Drew singled to shallow right, J. Gomes to third
– S. Drew stole second
– J. Iglesias walked
– J. Smith relieved C. Perez
– J. Ellsbury doubled to center, J. Gomes and S. Drew scored, J. Iglesias to third

So for those scoring at home, Chris Perez did four neutral and/or positive things:

1. He relieved Cody Allen. Such a nice guy, that Perez.

2. He got Mike Napoli to ground out! Though Dustin Pedroia did score…

3. He got Saltalamacchia to ground out! But David Ortiz did score…

4. He let Joe Smith come in, with the bases loaded, and relieve him. What a doll.

Of course, the highlight of this outing was when, with a 2-1 count on Jacoby Ellsbury, Chris Perez leaned over, wincing. At first, I think everybody on the Indian’s bench was under the impression Chris Perez was finally identifying with Indian’s fans, and leaning over to vomit at yet another impending loss due to our incompetent closer. But, no, Francona had seen Perez make this face one too many times during this particular outing, the face that says “please, Skip, come take me out of this fucking game and put me on the 15-day disabled list so I can smoke ounces of weed with my borderline-hot, 29 year-old wife”.

And that, my friends, is exactly what happened.