Ricky Automatic found the Sports Shuffler: the world will never be the same.

There I was, minding my own business on a Monday Night, absentmindedly trolling around the internet. After having no luck on mlb.com, I googled “Mark Trumbo Steal”, attempting to find a video of Mark Trumbo swiping a bag against the Indians, because these are the types of things I do with my life. Of course, when combined, the terms “Mark Trumbo” and “steal” yield many results that have nothing to do with Mark Trumbo successfully stealing bases. I was shit out of luck. Fortunately, google’s fourth result was eons better than anything I could have imagined. It was, to my delight, a youtube video entitled “2012 MLB All Stars Prince Fielder and Mark Trumbo steal show at…” Obviously, my curiosity got the better of me. I am so glad that it did.

Sports Shuffler: you are, simultaneously, everything that is right in the world, and everything that I was at your age. From the “bring your A game” shirt to your insanely improvised ramblings, you are American sports in a nutshell.

My favorite part of this video is everything, especially when our host surmises that nobody but Prince Fielder could hit 16 home runs in two rounds of the home run derby, something I can tell you has been done by several other people. The important part remains, however: Prince Fielder and Mark Trumbo stole the show at… and Ricky Automatic found the Sports Shuffler.

If you think Ricky would leave good enough alone, you, my friend, are sorely mistaken. The next video that caught my eye on “The Sports Shuffler”‘s Youtube station –there are 15 glorious videos in all — was dubbed “Ever have a day when you just need to shuffle?” Having had many such days, I clicked the link:

Well, holy shit. That kid really, really had to shuffle for 42 seconds or so. Did you see him wet some imaginary shots, too? Did you see everybody in the background acting as though there was not an insane ten year-old shuffling his heart out in the foreground, as if to say: “I didn’t come here to start no trouble, I’m just here to do the sports shuffling shuffle”? Everything about this is too good to be true.

The videos went on. I implore you to take the time to watch all 15 of his videos. But there is one more video that you must watch before you can move on with your life.

It is as endearing — in its youthful loyalty to a larger-than-life athlete whose sports camp you just attended– as it is delusional. Ladies and gentleman, without further ado, why “Matt Leinart can be a Hall of Famer with the Oakland Raiders. Watch Out Tim Tebow!”

The Sports Shuffler is able to rewrite all types of sports history, past, present, and future, with tender enthusiasm that adults can only envy. As someone that used to make up a lot of shit in my head, all involving girls or sports, this kid is a genuine breath of fresh air, a reminder of just how exciting sports can be. This kid is me fifteen years ago.

Thank you, Mark Trumbo and your stolen base. And thank you, Sports Shuffler. You truly are the best.