I know nothing about soccer. I can name about eight players on the USMNT. I hate that that is true, unlike other unapologetic American sportswriters. I wish I knew lots about soccer and watched it all the time. It’s similar to the way I feel about hockey. The truth is, those two goal-oriented sports have never been convenient for me to watch. I’ve never had a fully-loaded cable sports package, I’ve never lived in a city that had a professional team in either sport, and I’ve been awfully preoccupied with baseball, football, basketball, and Jason Kipnis to be finding time to illegally stream two additional sports.

So when I say I think the U.S. can beat Germany today, it comes from a place of ignorance. Lil’ Roro and Tyler Bennington would tell you I’m insane, as would most other people who know what they are talking about. So I’m not going to defend my position in discussing tactics, statistics, historical intricacies, or any other shit that does or doesn’t matter. I’m also not going to play the misinformed “we are America, we love being underdogs” card. I’m just gonna say I’m delusional, and have convinced myself that we can beat Germany. Good thing we only need a draw, though. Or a loss by one goal (and hope Ghana doesn’t play like they have been). Or some help from Portugal. Okay, I’m scared. But I still think we can win, for whatever reason. Probably because it’s soccer, and soccer is a weird, fickle game. And because rapper Clint Dempsey plays on our team. That’s gotta count for something.


On to some news & notes:

-I picked up a hitchhiker this morning. Her name was Connie. She had knee problems. She didn’t have many teeth. She had trouble conversing in the simplest of ways. But I will be damned if we didn’t rock out to Tim McGraw’s “Something Like That” as though we would never rock again. Thanks, Connie. I needed that.

-As has been previously discussed on this blog, there are many┬ásports mobile apps out there that blow dick. In my humble experiences, MLB At-Bat is an exception to that rule. It is easy to navigate through, it’s easy to customize, it’s easy to love. Hell, you can watch games, listen to them, or watch the ol’ Gamecast if you happen to be in a place where it is socially unacceptable to watch or listen to baseball (fuck those places though). The point of this stupid story is that due to the fact that MLB At-Bat is generally balling, I was quite shocked when I checked last night’s Indians score and came across this headline:

indians headline


The fuck? “Dousing Kluber” is apparently a description of Corey Kluber — and not a description of what someone, or something was doing to him — but the description makes no sense. Am I behind the times? Is “dousing” the new “wet”? Also, why would you need a new paragraph between “drought” and “in desert,” which is what appears to have been happening with the old “<p>” situation? Color me confused, all the way around. Or color me doused, whichever you prefer.

-Luis Suarez is officially the world’s most notorious biter. He bites more shit than Vanilla Ice. He’s like Johnny Football, plus he headbutts referees and bites other players. I’m really into this. I think the fact that FIFA banned him for four months only adds to his profile as the world’s most mysterious man. If you bite a guy once, you’re a fucking weirdo (or Mike Tyson, or my brother). If you bite a guy twice, and you got caught the first time? Okay, bro, slow your roll, because you are an idiot. THREE TIMES?! AND IN A WORLD CUP MATCH?! Now you’re just fascinating.

I wonder if girls that Suarez has bedded are going to start coming out of the woodwork and being like, “oh, he’s a biter alright.” Or maybe we’ll see a five-minute Jeremy Sap Schaap sentimental-spot that shows the aging, hunch-backed school teacher from Suarez’s small Uruguayan village saying incomprehensible things in Spanish (because she’s old, not Spanish-speaking, but that, too) into the camera, and the subtitles will claim she’s saying things like “Luis was a talented kid, but troubled as well. He began biting kids at a young age.” The story will come to a head when the teacher cries because she is so damn confused why a camera is in her face and ESPN frames it as though she wishes she’d taught young Luis Suarez not to bite children. There will be a slow fade to black, and then Jeremy Schaap’s voice will come back on: “In Panleandrolito, Uruguay: I’m Jeremy Schaap… E-S, P-N.”

-Ricky Automatic’s Country Fridays is going to feature two songs that are exactly the same about the new guy sleeping with your ex and driving around your truck and living in your house. Be there.


Can’t wait.