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Disregard the 26 pitches, the three earned runs, and the four times that Orioles’ hitters smashed batting-practice-drives off of him — Chris Perez shut the door against the Orioles tonight. No, he slammed it shut. Chris Perez slammed the door, getting Chris Davis “on a weak groundout for the final out of the ballgame”.

Go ahead, watch the replay of that “weak groundout”. It looks more like Chris Davis pulverized a ball into the Indians over-shift for the final out of the game. The Indians’ play-by-play announcer, Matt Underwood, agrees with me — he’s the weenie in the clip saying “hit hard but right at Kipnis” — making my stomach a flaming cocktail of vindication and nausea.

As you can see, Perez was up to his old, old tricks tonight, serving up fastballs like this one to Nate McLouth. After that three-run bomb finally landed, Perez managed to strike out Brian Roberts and Manny Machado prior to his encounter with Davis, the league’s leading home run hitter.

Watching Perez pitch is like watching some idiot drive a monster truck, plowing through with sheer force, before ultimately breaking down, spinning the wheels until the wheels spin no longer.

Just be sure to close the door Chris. Slam that shit shut.