Photo by Lauren Mitchell

Photo by Lauren Mitchell

Sometimes I forget to check the standings for a week or so, or I just forget to look at the NL West standings, because I generally assume that all teams in that division are below .500. Think I’m joking? I thought I was too, but it turns out I’m wrong:

NL_West

HOLD THE PHONE AND BAILAMOS!

Look at that race! We got ourselves a barn burner right here! EVERYONE IS WITHIN STRIKING DISTANCE!

Some amazing facts about the NL West, folks: Not one team in the division has a winning record on the road. The greatest team run differential is +9. According to ESPN, the best team in the NL West has a 48.4 % chance of making the playoffs. Which I’m basically interpreting as baseball collectively deciding that even the winner of the NL West probably shouldn’t be included in the playoffs even if they win the division. I am please with this development. It is incredible how bad the NL West is compared to the rest of baseball.

Now, onto the defending World Series Champions. Can we just sit back for a second and marvel at how the Giants were able to win not one, but two World Series in the past three years? 2010, I get it – Big Time Timmy Jim was still throwing heat and harnessing the power of the high grade marijuana in the bay area, Kung Fu Panda was still harnessing the power of the many pounds of Kung Pao Chicken he was inhaling at the daily AT&T lunch buffet, and Brian Wilson still had an arm attached to the right side of his body. It was magical, everyone danced in the street, beautiful.

But something went really awry in the fabric of the cosmos last year with October baseball. Everyone except people in San Francisco were punished for some unknown transgression – either that or the baseball gods decided some royal fuckery was in order.

Now, with pretty much that very same baseball team that won the World Series, they are 10 games under .500. They just got swept by the Mets at home. Do you know how painful that last sentence was for me to write? The entire management structure of the Mets is made up of a breed of miniature pony, who in the offseason are lent out to traveling petting zoos so that children may ride them around a small pen. The last time the Giants won a series was a month ago against the Padres. Since then, this is what they’ve done. Brace yourselves:

Lost 3 of 4 vs. Miami (one of the worst teams in baseball)
Swept in 3 at Los Angeles (yeah, not good either)
Lost 2 of 3 at Colorado (mmm no)
Swept in 3 at Cincinnati (ok, these guys are good – the 4th game was mercifully rained out)
Lost 2 of 3 vs. Los Angeles (see above)
Swept in 3 vs. New York (see sentence about Mets management above)

If you did the math, the Giants are 3-16 in their last 19 games. At last, the moment has come that all righteous baseball fans have been waiting for – the Giants suck, and they suck really bad. All of the people in my office in San Francisco have been walking around asking “WHAT is going on with the Giants!?”

They can’t pitch and they can’t hit and they can’t field. They suck at playing baseball, that’s what’s going on.

It’s ok, most Giants fans – you don’t really care anyway. The last Giants game I went to, the Oakland A’s were kicking their ass and I was being the customary asshole A’s fan in my section at AT&T park. Still, I ended up getting into a friendly conversation with the guy next to me, a season ticket holder, who mentioned that he “gets pretty tired of coming to the games by October”. No joke. I was speechless. As if this guy’s incredibly expensive season tickets were getting in the way of his life. This is more or less the experience I have every time I go to AT&T park, which is the reason I don’t go to AT&T park.

Now I give you your moment of zen, in which Andres Torres and a security guard at AT&T park get it all wrong:

Let’s break this thing down. First, we have Andres Torres, owner of a .957 fielding percentage this year, going on a walkabout and then proceeding to chase the baseball into the corner like a farmer trying to catch a fleeing chicken. Second, we have the security guard, who seems to not realize that he has one job, and it does not have anything to do with playing left field for the San Francisco Giants. Then, instead of getting out of the way, he instead curls into a fetal position, much like what one is supposed to do when being attacked by a bear.

This is a perfect metaphor for the NL West this year (or any year, really) – everyone is supposed to be doing their job, no one is, and the Giants are the pudgy old security guard curled in a fetal position feeling awkward about how much they’re fucking everything up. And I am loving every minute of it.