Home_Run_Derby

COMMENCE DERBYIN’! (As narrated by Chris Berman <— CLICK ON THIS)

WE GOT PITBULL ON THE STAGE, PEOPLE! Everyone knows that Pitbull is the perfect artist to open the spectacle that only 12 year olds and people who don’t understand baseball love. I think I’ve heard this song he’s “singing”, in a bud light commercial or something, but I don’t know the name of it because Pitbull is a clown, the type of clown who wears leather gloves outside in the summertime when it’s 90 degrees. And needless to say, he is clownin’ around right now.

GET THAT STAGE OFF THE FIELD AND WE’RE ONTO THE LINEUPS! – Yoenis “Look at those eyebrows” Cespedes! And now they’re booing Robinson Cano at the HOME RUN DERBY! It’s the second year in a row he’s been booed at the Derby! Once is a feat, but twice in two years is like winning the lottery! Stay classy, Royals and Mets fans! Who’s that old guy in the lineup? Oh! It’s Michael Cuddyer, or whatever the hell his name is that plays in the NL West so no one cares! And hey, it’s David Wright, who everyone loves because he’s the only good player on the Mets besides Matt Harvey! It’s that guy on the Pirates! Wow, this is going to be fun, right guys!? Let’s GET IT ON!

Side note: Remind me again why we’re doing this at Citi Field, the home of the Mets? Might a minor league all star game been more fitting? Oh never mind, there are 81 of those a year at Citi Field already! This is the big time, people!

Now let’s get to hitting slow pitch baseballs really far and doing nothing else for 2 1/2 hours because baseball isn’t boring enough already!

First up we have Prince Fielder – who hits a few baseballs really far! Exciting!

Second it’s the old guy who doesn’t hit home runs in the regular season, Michael Cuddyer! Great pick, Captain David Wright! WOW! BACKBACKBACKBACKBACK awwwww no! Warning track power, too bad old guy!

And now it’s Cespedes, who for some reason is taking baseball seriously all of a sudden and hits 17 home runs, 2 more than he’s hit all year! HOLY SMOKES BACKBACKBACKBACKBACK TELL THIS GUY TO STOP! Seriously. This happens every year. Somebody blows their load in the first round and then fizzles. But OH RIGHT, who cares? Look at this guy who catches his 16th homer:

OH YEAH CESPEDES HOMER BALL!!!

BACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACK!!!!!

And here comes BRYCE HARPER WITH THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS HAIRCUT!

Bryce Harper Flock of Seagulls

One thing that we can be sure of, folks – if it’s possible, Bryce Harper will find a way to injure himself in the home run derby. Don’t ask me how: maybe just by swinging, or maybe charging the mound to beat up his father who can’t seem to get a pitch over the plate. I’ve already seen Bryce injure two people in the stands because he can’t get any loft under the ball and is hitting line drive rifle shots right at people, including one woman who obviously gets hit in the face. “I went to the home run derby and all I got was a trip to the emergency room!”

Bryce Harper Home Run Derby Injury

How accurately ESPN measures the distance the ball travelled before hitting this woman directly in the head. SHE GETS A STAR!

Cespedes is getting interviewed in the middle of Harper’s round and seems to think this is “the best part of the year” and he says something about making the hall of fame. I will let those statements stand for what they are. Good lord.

And Bryce Harper’s brother has a Rollie Fingers mustache! Harper family follicle confusion! Is a trade to Oakland in the works!? Get the hot stove going!

Bryce Harper's Brother is Rollie Fingers

And now the guy with no neck, who hits a lot of balls really far! HE HIT THE BIG CHEVY TRUCK IN CENTERFIELD! SOMEBODY GETS A FREE CHEVY! I’M NOT SURE WHO BECAUSE I’M NOT PAYING ATTENTION!

And now it’s the Pirates guy! Who seems to have a really sweet doubles swing working for the first 6 outs, then almost hits one out of the stadium BACKBACKBACKBACKBACK!!!

OH BOY! It’s Robinson Cano! More booing!

WONDER BOY DAVID WRIGHT! Cue the greatest Chris Berman line of the night:

“Wright needs to find his rhythm… (Wright hits ball) RHYTHMMMMMMMMM… AND BLUES!”

Berman, what the fuck. Really? Because the Mets wear blue? Is that the connotation here? Or did that just seem like the best extension after “rhythm”, regardless of it making absolutely no sense in relation to baseball? Whatever, just whatever. I’m done with you.

BACKBACKBACKBACKBACK!!!

So round one results: 4 guys get to go through to the second round and get to hit a lot of baseballs really far! I know Cespedes is one of them. Seriously, that is the only one I know for sure.

ROUND 2 LET’S GET IT ON!

The Rockettes are dancing on the dugout! Is this New York or something!? I thought we were in New Jersey! The Mets are from New York!?

MINDFUCK!

And the old guy made it! The old guy made it!? And he’s hitting homers like crazy! The wily veteran! And look at this couple who just caught one of his home run balls:

SOMEBODY GET THIS WOMAN A DOCTOR

What the hell is going on with her? Do we need to call a doctor? Is she sick? Is she just absurdly sunburnt and drunk from getting crazy in the parking lot to ease the pain of the home run derby? I have so many questions BACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACK!!!! God, Michael Cuddyer is the worst home run derby pick I’ve ever seen, he just quietly hits lots of 380 foot home runs. SIT DOWN, OLD MAN!!!

AND NOW WE HAVVVVEEE… No neck guy! Who plays for that team that’s named after a bird in whatever that city is called above Washington DC! And he switches batting gloves half way through! Adam Jones brought them to him and had a cup of something he was sippin’ on. At first I thought he said something about “GETTINNN CRUNKK!!”, but he actually said something about “Driving his truck” which I take was about the trucks in centerfield that are being peppered with homers, because this is America, and fuck it, we’ll ruin some expensive shit for no reason!!!

FLOCK OF SEAGULLS SAY WHATTTTTTT!!!! Has he injured himself yet? No!? Confusion!

AND WE’RE ONTO THE FINAL ROOUU wait we have one more hitter? WE HAVE ONE MORE HITTER! BACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACK!!!!

CESPEDES! LA POTENCIA!!! Supposedly he doesn’t have to hit at all this round because he went totally apeshit in the first round, but he don’t care! He hits some more! And supposedly wins the main competition for the AL or something!

IT’S THE FINAL ROUND!

AND MY DVR CUTS OFF BUT I SAW ON BASEBALL TONIGHT THAT CESPEDES WON AND GOT ALL BAT FLIPPY ON THE WINNING HOMERUN!!!

THE AL GETS HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE FOR THE WORLD SERIES!!! WOOO!!!

Wait, that’s for the All Star Game? So this means nothing? So I just sat and watched this for 2 1/2 hours for nothing?

WELL it’s another year in the books then, and we can take solace in the fact that the home run derby will not occur for another 364+ days! Tomorrow, we brave the All Star Game, which is one rung below the home run derby in Clown Showishness, but like right there. Right there.

And now the greatest GIFs from the 2013 Home Run Derby (all courtesy of Deadspin)!

 

HE’S WEARING A F*CKING IKE DAVIS JERSEY!!!!!

GET AWAY FROM ME, BIATCH!