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Courtesy of Justin Brown.

 

Please do not ask me why I first looked at reviews of the Golden Gate Bridge, because I could not answer that question. All I know is I found myself looking at them one day, and the experience taught me that reading Google (or Yelp, or whatever) reviews of a place you wouldn’t think to read reviews of is an important thing to do because, ultimately, we all like being entertained.

Well tonight I went back through and screen-shotted a bunch of the takes that were on the hotter side of things because I wanted you to enjoy them with me.

Let’s start off with our guy Aaron Rice, who is really getting excited for 2016:

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Hey man, when you’re excited about driving across a famous bridge in a year or two, there is only one thing to do: post a Google review of how you’re going to drive across that damn bridge in a year or two!

Just a heads-up though, Aaron, I’m afraid you may be disappointed:

 

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YOU HEAR THAT? THE LANES ARE NARROW. Fuck it, trip canceled. Also, the logic of “I live in CA so our landmarks don’t mean shit to me,” is a pretty surprising thing to hear from somebody that GOOGLED THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE IN ORDER TO WRITE A GOOGLE REVIEW OF IT. Also, let’s not overlook the first sentence of Jeremiah’s review: “I just drove across it in my rig.” You hear that? HIS rig. Not his girlfriend’s, not his dad’s, not some stranger’s rig — HIS rig. And he JUST drove across it. He is now cruising the 1, writing Google reviews on his phone.

Oh, and you knew this girl/guy was lurking around the corner. You just knew it:

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That is akin to saying: “I don’t like kitchen knives because sometimes people use them in order to kill themselves.” Bridges don’t kill people, people kill people (note: I’m pro gun control and have no idea why I just said that). Also, the bridge is not the #1 site for suicide (though it is damn close). I’m not going to fight her on the suicide barrier thing, though her understanding of the situation is confused and ill-informed. Thanks, though, Erika: yours is an important voice that needed to be a part of my blog post.

AND THIS GUY, TOO:

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Yeah. The bridge is “meh.” You know what else is “meh”? CDs. Though I do like cassettes, records, and — PARADOXICALLY — Spotify. I just wish I could play Spotify through my record player…

These next three reviews actually happened in this sequence, as pictured. (I think the reviews are listed in order of “usefulness,” which is kind of amazing considering all of them should probably be considered for what they are: useless):

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Two stars; Lames.

Two stars; Wow.

Five stars; F.

You know, useful Google reviews.

You know who else didn’t like the bridge? This tricky trickster:

 

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Thanks Abyan:D. That felt important to me, too.

And now we are on to our three hottest takes. The first is that creeper, “A Google User,” singing the praises of all the “young girls” — and yet he (or she) only gives them four stars!

 

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Yikes.

At #2, we have this guy, appropriately (and/or ostensibly) named for that dark, eerie song from that scary children’s tale, whatever it was: “Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum, I smell the blood of an English-mun.” Why? Just, why?

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My main problem reading this is that I cannot possibly read all the way through it, and thus have no idea which lot is Elite and which lot totally sucks. Also, are we really casually throwing in “SE,” “SW,” and “2set toilet seats” like those are things that people are aware of existing? And yes, this Google user, “fefi fofum” employed the triple comma,,, not once,,, but twice.

And our #1 Google comment is brought to you by Govind Singh.

 

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Well, folks. There is only one thing left to do.

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Golden stuff.