This morning I Googled “Augusta National.” There was the home page, a Masters home page, a Wikipedia page: the usual suspects. There was also 45 Google reviews of the most elitist outfit in the world. I did what any unemployed sports fan would do: I read them all. Some of them were even written by — gasp — women, though no word yet on whether any non-whites posted one of the 45 reviews. All of the reviewers who had profile pictures seemed as Aryan as you would expect, but there were some suspicious sounding names among those without profile pictures. More on that later. Shall we delve?

Kicking things off we have a vanilla review by a guy named “John Buffaloe”:

“I had the pleasure of walking the grounds during a Masters practice round a couple of years ago. I don’t care how big or high definition your TV is, the beauty of the grounds is absolutely breath taking. The Augusta staff were all very friendly and informative. The food at the various vendor stands was good and extremely reasonably priced. As a golfer, I’ve never seen a course so beautifully manicured. Even the grass where the patrons were standing and walking was in perfect condition. As to playing the course, I didn’t get to do so, but could tell it is a very, very challenging course. There simply doesn’t appear to be a level lie anywhere on the course away from the tee boxes. Masters merchandise is available on the grounds. The stands at the practice range are close to the golfers and afford the opportunity to watch them work. The Augusta National grounds are by far the most beautiful place I’ve ever been. If you get the change, go. If you somehow get an offer to play please ask if you can bring me along.”

Par for the course, if you will — beautiful grounds, blah, blah, blah, would love to play the course, blah, blah, blah. Buffaloe does let us in on shocking revelation, however, informing us that Augusta National sells Masters merchandise on grounds. Who would’ve thought? There is also what may or may not be a Freudian slip in the second to last sentence: “if you get the change, go.” Don’t worry, Mr. Buffaloe, we are all totally saving our pennies.

Then we get into some boring reviews from users who decided the Google review page for Augusta National was the appropriate forum to debate whether the media correctly handled Tiger Woods’ crippling two-stroke penalty in last year’s Masters.

“My husband and I have always been fans of the Masters and your beautiful golf course. Do you all realize what a blemish Faldo and Chamblee have put on the Masters Tournament with their terrible comments about Tiger Woods and the decisions that were made not to DQ him from The Masters Tournament.” –Lou Anne Sullivan

“I was very disturbed in the discussion regarding the Tiger Woods episode. Way to much time allowing all the hosts to give their input on the episode. It was for the rules committee to make the judgement call not the announcers. Way to much talk and not enough golf. Most of the viewers want to see golf played at Augusta and not listen to has been players and announcers, there presence tarnishes the event.” –Tim Gidlund

That’s so weird, why are they talking exhaustively about a tournament-changing moment involving Tiger Woods? There is no reason for a for-profit network showing a golf tournament to go on and on about a guy like Woods. I mean, I love your beautiful golf course and everything but I’m totally logging into Google and giving Faldo and Chamblee a piece of my mind via the review site for Augusta National, a place where they are sure to find it. Unacceptable behavior.

We get into the suspicious sounding reviewers shortly thereafter. Bob Fernandes, who happens to have a last name that screams “I may not be white,” drops in with “I have never been to Augusta national but from what I can see on TV it looks like a mighty fine place.” Somehow, we figure that to be true, Bob Fernandes. After all, we are talking about a place that forced all golfers to employ black caddies up until 1983. ¬†

Not to be outdone, Micayla Black chimes in with, “How do you get there“. Exactly, Micayla. Exactly.

My second favorite review comes to us from “A Google User,” whose Google profile name is far less creative than his review:

Pretty nice course. Not too hard from the tips and greens were a little bumpy. Pretty road going up to the clubhouse. The range was nice but you’ll want to take a cart to it. I had never heard of the place. would play this track again if I was in the area.

Get it? Sarcasm.

And then there is that other guy who goes by the name “A Google User,” but is not nearly as funny. He gave poor Augusta National a one-star review:

“Why does the media avoid Aaron Bradley? We’ve watched 5 hours of Golf Channel yesterday and today so far and NO Aaron. Whats going on. You’ll interview a guy 1 over , but not 1 under. The media bias is so obvious. Why? Because he Thanks God when he wins? Seems so. . Totally turned off by Golf Channel. and ESPN now. There are many of us 25 yo guys who align ourselves with guys like that. Shame on you Media”

Dear A Google User (the second one),

It’s like God put you here to write that Google review so that I could then make fun of you on my blog that nobody reads. And, despite the fact that Aaron Bradley is not a professional golfer, and that the ultra-Christian golfer named Aaron Baddeley¬†didn’t play in last year’s Masters, I’m going to have to borrow some of your faith and put it toward Believing that you were talking about Baddeley and the 2012 Masters even though your review was posted “about a year ago,” according to Google. And, to be fair, Baddeley was 1 under after the first round of the 2012 Masters — prior to finishing in 40th place at +5 — so it really does seem possible that it is Google that is making you look bad by poorly approximating the date of your review. I really hope so, because the image of you watching 5 hours of golf to see your hero Aaron Bradley in a tournament he, nor Aaron Baddeley, was actually playing in is too heartbreaking for me to digest.

The truth is, I was Google-ing Augusta National this morning because I was curious how one would get there if they were to fly in to watch the Masters. Would they fly into Atlanta? Augusta? I had no idea. I’m afraid this makes me more like the Micayla Blacks of the world than the John Buffaloes. And I’m afraid it’s because I don’t belong anywhere near that tournament.

Not many of us do.