Last night the Kansas City Royals moved into first place and I immediately felt like vomiting. To be sure, I also hate the Detroit Tigers, who seem to have been atop the AL Central since George W. Bush was our president. But there is something about the Royals that is so much worse, namely, that they are a stupid franchise built by stupid people and the media that covers their whereabouts is as bad as it gets. They play in fucking Kansas City. They are managed by Edgar Frederick Yost III. Oh, and most importantly: they aren’t actually good at baseball.

Let’s take a closer look at all the things you should hate about the BRO-yals:

Alex “28-years-old and still a prospect” Gordon: Did you just cringe? Have you had Alex Gordon on your fantasy team before? My god, does this guy suck at fantasy baseball. Every year we are told he is going to be a 20/20 guy. Every year he comes up well short in either or both categories. “But that one time, he hit 23 home runs, and another time he hit 20 home runs, and he’s so good at playing defense.” All great points that really don’t matter because I hate Alex Gordon and think he should just get it over with already and sign with the Red Sox. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that Alex Gordon does love crashing into walls and generally making plays look harder than they are.

Mike “My upcoming arbitration hearing should be broadcast on Comedy Central” Moustakas: But really, can you imagine what that arbitration hearing is going to be like?

Look, we think Mike’s career OPS of .675 warrants 600 grand a year, plus a few bags of Big League Chew.”

(Royals’ lawyers converse with management)

“Can’t give you the money, but yes on the Big League Chew.” 

In all seriousness, Mike Moustakas might make a million dollars next year if he’s still on the roster. Which is really, really sad. There is no way Moustakas would be on the Royals’ roster if it weren’t for his exceptional success against the Cleveland Indians. Even with his crazy numbers versus my favorite team, Moustakas’ WAR this season is 0.0, slightly better than his 2013 mark of -0.1. Mike Moustakas is, quite literally, the definition of a “replacement player,” begging the question: when are we changing the term to “Wins Above Moustakas” (WAM)? The “WAR” jokes are really played out, and, according to Wikipedia, “WAM” can also stand for “wet and messy fetishism,” which means I no longer am obligated to make snide remarks regarding Mike Moustakas.

Eric “Thank God I broke my wrist so I now have an excuse for ruining your fantasy baseball season” Hosmer: Eric Hosmer’s WAR is 0.1 better than his friend Mike Moustakas, meaning, of course, that Hosmer’s WAR in 2014 currently stands at 0.1. How does this team win baseball games, goddammit? Hosmer was projected by some as a top-15 fantasy option. Not top-15 first baseman, mind you, top-15 PLAYER. Yikes.

Also, Indians’ radio announcer Tom Hamilton randomly thinks Eric Hosmer is the best baseball player of all time. I thought I was making this up until the following tweet reinforced that idea:

Listen to Hamilton call a Royals-Tribe game sometime when Hosmer is healthy. It will shock you how many times he goes out of his way to compliment Hosmer.

Lee “I’m the worst sportswriter on the planet” Judge: I don’t even need a clever nickname for this guy — he is so bad I can’t make jokes about it. It is apt that a gritty, stupid sportswriter would be asked to cover the Kansas City Royals for the Kansas City Star. His blog is called — and you really couldn’t make this stuff up unless you were Lee Judge, himself — “Judging The Royals.” Here is a sample of the bullshit that comes oozing off his fingertips and onto the internet, taken straight from his last post:  

“Wade wasn’t celebrating”

“Last Friday night Wade Davis pitched a scoreless inning against the San Francisco Giants and yelled something as he came off the mound…I’ve gotten to know Davis a little bit and I was pretty sure Wade wasn’t celebrating—I thought he was mad at himself.

Here’s what happened:

Wade gave up a lead-off single to Pablo Sandoval, another single to Michael Morse, struck out Joe Panik and got out of the inning when Matt Duffy hit into an inning-ending double play. He didn’t give up a run, so why was Wade mad?

Because he thought he made some “non-competitive, stupid” pitches…And if you’re thinking that these are big league ballplayers and there’s no way they should have a brain cramp like that, let me ask you a question: ever forget your cell phone somewhere? You know you need it—how could you forget it?

Stress; it makes all of us do goofy things.

Wade started laughing about a pitcher who was told not to throw a certain hitter a slider, but responded by saying: ‘He hasn’t seen my slider.’ And then, when the hitter did see that guy’s slider, he hit it out of the park.

At that point Jason Vargas, sitting at the next locker, chipped in: ‘You don’t know until you know.’

Here’s what that means: someone can give you all the good advice in the world, but if you don’t believe it, you won’t follow it.”

Here’s what that means: Lee Judge is consistently this bad at writing about baseball, which means he probably shouldn’t be allowed to write about baseball. I also really dig Judge’s use of semicolons; don’t you? 

If you really need something cathartic after having brain cells taken away from his writing, you can at least watch Lee Judge get hit by a pitching machine on YouTube. Gritty, gritty stuff, folks. 

Rex “I love gritty ballplayers” Hudler: Everything about Hudler screams “gritty”: from his .296 OBP during his playing days, to the time he said, “He brings a lunch pail to work, even though he probably really doesn’t.” I wish I was making that up. Here are some other things Rex Hudler has said during telecasts this season:

 

 

 

Would you believe me if I told you that Rex Hudler is also a motivational speaker? I sincerely hope it’s charity work, because nobody should have to pay money to see what he calls “The Wonder Dog Show.” The Wonder Dog Show: a motivational experience, mostly because you can think to yourself, “goddamn, I am so glad I’m not that guy.” 

Here is where I should probably cover how much I hate Ned Yost, Jeremy Guthrie, Bruce Chen, James Shields, Wade Davis, Kevin Herrera, and all the rest of the Kansas City BRO-yals, but this post is long enough and there is always time for a Part II. 

Let’s hope this shitty team doesn’t sneak into the playoffs on account of playing in the worst division in baseball. Then again, I really don’t think we should be all that worried about it, because this team truly sucks.