Photo Courtesy of

In a long foreseen, benignly tragic, and altogether merciful turn of events, Ike Davis of the New York Mets has been sent down to Triple A Las Vegas to assume bat boy duties until he is ready to possibly regain his spot as the Met’s starting first basemen. “It was a very hard decision,” said Terry Collins, manager of the Mets, “but we really feel like Ike could use some time off from the media and pressure of the Majors to find his groove again. Hopefully some time helping those high level prospects with their daily cleaning of cleats, bats, and jock straps will help get his mind straight again.”

Davis, who hit 32 home runs last year, was batting just .162 at the time of the demotion. Long touted as a part of the future of the franchise, he started slow in 2012 before turning his season around to hit a scorching .227. Mets fans, forever subjected to bouts of horrific play and sub replacement level players, were shocked to hear the news of Ike “Pure Chaos” Davis being sent down.

“There’s just no patience in the world anymore,” said lifelong Mets fan and Newark, New Jersey resident Gene Dekker, “I mean what does a guy have to do, bat .200 to stay in The Show!?”

Rodney Jones of Trenton, New Jersey is a season ticket holder and has seen 20 full seasons. “I’ll tell you what, I’m pissed off as hell. Seen it happen every year. Another guy who can really get a rally going one time out of ten is relegated to pulling turds out of the toilet in Vegas.” As he headed towards the merchandise stand to “Maybe get a discount on some Chaos swag”, he could be heard muttering about how “one day” he would “be done with this team”.

Back at the post game interview, following the Mets losing 2-1 in a 20 inning game to the hapless Miami Marlins in what many have hailed as Potentially the Worst Baseball Game Ever Played, Collins was asked whether bat boy duties in the Majors might be less embarrassing to a player who hasn’t been in the Minor Leagues since 2010. “Listen, we need to leave those duties to the professionals. Better to have Ike go down there and perform the menial and emasculating tasks assigned to him while baking in the hot Nevada sun. I think it’s going to do wonders for the kid.”

Walking through the locker room after the interview, Collins stopped in front of Lucas Duda, currently batting .228 as the starting left fielder for the Mets. “Come over here, boys – you got your cameras out? Good, because this is what a f*cking ballplayer looks like.”