The Inside Snoop

Author’s note: I wrote this fairly drunk. Reading it now, I can’t really tell, but I CAN see myself falling asleep at the end. It really tails off. So here it is without edits, plus my sober commentary. (Commentary in italics) 

There’s a UT frat party next door. I am in bed, drunk (I was drinking in bed). I feel like I am at the UT frat party, and that is really putting a damper on my drunk. Someone at the party just shouted at Danny, warning him that “tonight is the paint party, bro” (There’s way more to this: I think that the guy doing the shouting was on the second floor balcony, on his phone with Danny. He also said things like “Danny I’m warning you!”,  “Do you know what tonight is?? It’s the paint party!”, “Come upstairs!”, and “Bring the girls!” In retrospect here’s what I think was going on. Our man on the phone was upstairs throwing his own paint party, while a rager was going on downstairs. This idiot was trying to get Danny to bring girls upstairs to PAINT.) Danny sounds like an asshole, and so does his friend (I’m sure Danny’s a fine kid).

While Danny and his buddy get drunk and finger paint west TX high school football scenes, I’m going to lose some money on a gambling website. In the spirit of the Clown Show’s world-famous “Drunk Power-Rankings” I will be both drunk and without the aid of any outside sources of information. Except Danny, who I think just broke a window next door (I did hear a window break, though I have no reason to believe it was Danny. Maybe it was his buddy, upset no one wanted to join the paint party).

There are basically two sorts of fantasy lineups you want to create at DraftKings.com (BIGGER WINNINGS, BIGGER MILLIONAIRES!). Your first option is to play in games where the entire top half of the field wins a set amount of money, so it makes sense to shoot for consistent players. It doesn’t matter if you’re 1st out of 200 or 100th out of 200, you make the same amount. In these games you basically double your entry fee, minus a not-so-insignificant fee the site shaves off the top, because: gambling. (So if you’re in a $1 entry game, you win $1.80. This is the kind of high-stakes game I’m stressing out about all week long.) Your second option is to play games where just 10% of players end up in the money. You can make more this way but obviously have to beat out a larger portion of the field to succeed. Here, it makes more sense to go with high-risk, high-reward players. (You really have to hit, and hit big, on all of your picks here).

Danny wants me to go with option number two so Ima do that (Danny did not come over to advise me on this decision). Oh, by the way, my $10.15 from last week somehow turned into $7.55. I literally just heard “FUCK! goddammit, that’s two fucking windows!”. Danny and his buds really know how to party (I didn’t hear a second window break, but this morning I did see one covered up with cardboard. COLLEGE!). I’m going with the NFL $100K Play-Action #2 thing. First place wins ten grand (If I finish in 11,500th place I get $4! This really gives some context as to the stunning number of people in this country who are wasting their time and money on this sort of inane thing). I only gotta drop $2 for to play this format.

The first order of business is to pick a QB: Basically, you “have” a $50,000 budget to buy your players. Spend smart- Jay Cutler costs $2000 less than Andrew Luck, and is over his crushing-loss-to-the-Patriots-curse while Andrew is freshly-cursed (Editor’s note: if only). If I could bet on a Jags win this week I would (No, I wouldn’t). Thank god I can’t (Seriously). So in this type of league the idea is shoot for a high ceiling so you take a receiver who plays with your QB. If one does well, the other probably does, etc.,etc. So, I’m ponying up for either Marshall or Jeffery. I’ll take the vet (That’s Brandon Marshall. He cost me $7,100). It’s a terrible feeling knowing you’re going all in on the Bears (It’s an even worse feeling sober). Also, Josh Gordon’s been using someone else’s urine samples and he is now back in the NFL, so that’s going to be my WR #2. I am more excited to watch him play than anyone not named Gronkowski or Watt (This was poorly worded, but suffice it to say I’m really excited to watch Brian Hoyer throw footballs at Josh Gordon).

Time to pick a defense. The Packers are the most expensive, and I can grab the Niners for way cheaper. They play RG3 so, yup, done and done. I’m also buying the aforementioned Gronk, so now I have a very minimal salary and it’s time to make my high-risk picks. RBs are Denard Robinson and Isaiah Crowell. I picked Tre mason and Kenny Stills cause i wanna sleep (I’m really not a fan of what I did here. But, I’m going to roll with it. I feel obligated).

We’ll see how this works out- If I could bet on it, I’d put money on a loss.