Shania Twain is the first woman my mother ever heard me identify as attractive. This happened because my mom wanted to know why I was watching a Shania Twain concert on CBS. Eleven year-old me did not know what to say, but knew that truth was the best policy with my mother, a trained psychoanalyst who could delve deeper into my mind than I cared to know about. Considering that fact, I had to look my mother in the face, blush profusely, and say, “because… I think she’s pretty.” My mother laughed. She let me watch the special, but supervised my doing so to make sure it wasn’t too racy. God bless that woman.

Well, folks, your boy just Googled that Shania CBS Special, and oh god, my mother must have been worried about me. Shania Twain remains the hottest musician to ever exist — that’s not the issue. And her music is still sensational. But those outfits, man. The mise en scene. It’s a beautifully ugly scene.

Screenshot 2014-08-21 at 8.27.19 PM

 

YIKES. But, at the same time: whoa. 1999 was a beautiful year. How beautiful? Wellll… there’s always this screenshot:

Screenshot 2014-08-21 at 8.26.21 PMHold the phone. Shania Twain, holding a football, in yoga pants and a cut-off Cowboys jersey? Sign me up. Me and every American male that was alive during 1999 loves the idea of Shania Twain playing football. But seriously, in order to watch that I would quit my job, drop out of school, and even tell my mother that it’s time to watch the Shania Twain CBS Special because Shania Twain is “pretty.”

So this week we are doing a Shania Twain song. But first, here is the video that both of those screenshots were spawned from, where you can watch no-name Dallas Cowboys throw football touchdowns to our favorite Canadian American country singer (there is no hyphen between “Canadian” and “American” because I don’t think Shania is technically American, which seems downright unconstitutional if you ask me):

Those hands! Also, true story: my brother once got into an argument with our friend Eli about whether Shania was saying “that won’t keep me warm in the middle of the night” (Eli’s argument, and also the correct version) or “that won’t keep me women the middle of the night” (my brother’s argument). This was in the days before widespread internet access, and I’m not sure we ever cleared it up. So, Max, if you’re reading this: remember that? You were so, so very wrong.

Throw on your cowboy boots, zip up your belly-button-jeans, and put that sexy jean-jacket on (that may be the first time “sexy jean-jacket” has appeared on the internet): without further ado, my favorite Shania song:

Happy Country Friday.

 

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