Photo by Lauren Mitchell

Photo by Lauren Mitchell

I’ll be straight with you – I hate the Mets. Don’t know why. No reason for it other than the fact that they are awful. The Mets constitute one half of a sweet duo of suck in my baseball life along with the Cubs. I feel no pity for fans of either of these teams, no matter how many games they lose. Why would you ever be a Mets fan? Because you’re from New York? No, that’s right, because you’re from New Jersey. My bad. I don’t even want to get into Cubs fans – something went very wrong in their upbringing to force them down such a dark and twisted life path. Get help, people.

And that brings me to the Marlins. Ohhhh boy, the Marlins. What to say about them that hasn’t been said? Perhaps you haven’t been paying attention to baseball, ever, or maybe you’re not a resident of Miami-Dade county. Allow me to recap. The Marlins won a World Series in 1997, then sold all their players. Their current owner, who is an awful person that no one likes, held the Expos hostage in 2002 when the city of Montreal wouldn’t shell out the cash for a new stadium, eventually moving the team to Washington D.C. and doing a little ownership switcheroo with John Henry (now owner of the Red Sox) that netted him the Marlins. I guess he decided that it would be a great idea to buy another baseball team, because hey, it went so awesome the first time around!

And wouldn’t you know it, the Marlins won another Series in 2003! Hooray! Loria then promptly sold all of the players that made the win possible as a reward for their dedicated service.

Long story short, in the late 00’s he conned the city of Miami into shelling out the money for an all new, absurdly hideous neon flavored stadium, even though he had more than enough money to fund it himself and the ensuing loan will put Miami in the hole for over 2 billion dollars when all is said and done. SCORE FOR THE LOR!!!! He spent an insane amount of money on players that weren’t very good to put fans in the seats, then sold all of them half way through the first season in 2012 when they didn’t win as expected. The fans despise this man, for very good reason, and now they have a really bad team that no one goes to see in a new, ugly, neon flavored stadium. God help us.

Which brings us to Saturday, when the Almighty saw fit to not only give us a Mets-Marlins game, but to make it last 20 innings with the score tied 1-1 the entire time. Suspend your rational thought and imagine for a second that you would go to either a Mets or Marlins game, nonetheless a Mets VERSUS Marlins game.

There’s a great pitching matchup! It’s two young aces Matt Harvey and Jose Fernandez!

This is the only reason you’d go to this game if you are of sane mind, by the way. It all went exactly how we expected it to for the first 7 innings, with both Harvey and Fernandez making each other’s lineups look like the replacement level players they are. Each managed to spot the other team a run, probably because they were going out there and not paying much attention, because this is the Mets and the Marlins, and why should they pay attention when no one else is. Unfortunately, the “fun” stopped after the 7th inning when Harvey exited the game (Jose went 6), and then the closest thing to pain that can be felt at a baseball game ensued for the next 4 hours.

Listen, I’ve gotten badly sunburnt at a baseball game. I’ve sprained a finger deflecting a screaming line drive at a baseball game. But I’ve never felt the sort of pain that the poor, naive fans felt today at Citi Field. Small children who went to this game will never watch baseball again. Many fans had to be helped to the neon exits after being blinded by what they saw on the field. Worse still, alcohol service was suspended after the 7th inning, so even those who might don liquid armor in an attempt to shield themselves from the onslaught of suck were left soft, vulnerable, and exposed. I wager that anyone who managed to stay until the final out in the 20th INNING, when the Mets mercifully decided to lose the game, will require full blown psychiatric help, if they didn’t already for staying until the end of a “competitive” game like this.

This has to take the cake for the biggest clown show we’ll see for some time. Now please, go rinse your eyes out for reading about this – I’m so sorry.

(Photo by Andy Marlin/Getty Images)