Holy shit. I should not be awake. Here it goes, the Drunk Power Rankings: I refuse to look things up, particularly the MLB Standings.

1. Boston Red Sox- I will receive approximately 100 text messages about ranking my least favorite team #1 (then again, all 100 texts will be from my friend, Snoop). I hate this team- did I make that clear? Jose Iglesias can’t stop, which is bizarre. John Lackey has a sub-3 ERA. That can’t possibly hold up, right? God, I hate the fucking Red Sox. I wish Jonathan Papelbon would rejoin this team so I could watch him blow 3 out of every 40 saves. They were few and far between, but goddamn, they were sweet.

2. Pittsburgh Pirates- Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Pirates! They’ve climbed 24 spots in 2 drunken Power Rankings! That’s uncharted territory. What’s not to love about this team?! They are 18 games over .500 first the first time since Barry Bonds roamed Three Rivers Stadium. I can name nearly 10 dudes on their team (yes, I looked it up this week): Starling Marte, Pedro Alvarez, Andrew McCutchen, Garret Jones, Gerritt Cole, Jeff Locke, Wandy Rodriguez, Jason Grilli, James McDonald, AJ Burnett, NEIL WALKER… I have literally looked at this for 5 minutes and haven’t come up with anything else. I know, I’ll hate myself in the morning.

3. Detroit Tigers- I will stop power-ranking this team high when they stop scaring me. I know their record isn’t that good. I know they have bullpen issues. I know they have issues with hitters who aren’t named Tori Hunter, Prince Fielder, or “2012 Triple-Crown Winner,” but this team is ridiculous. I’m convinced they will win the World Series. Miguel Cabrera hit 2 homers today. The only people who were surprised expect way too much from him.

4. ¬†Atlanta Braves- Confusing. By the way, how about the Braves slobbing on Chipper’s knob this week?! A beautiful thing that all white-southern-rednecks can enjoy. I didn’t start Julio Tehran tonight in my fantasy league. Have I mentioned that I’m in last place? I’d love to say I didn’t start him due to some profound strategy I have up my sleeve– but no, I didn’t start him because I am a terrible fantasy baseball manager. That, my friends, is a cold-hard fact.

5. St. Louis Cardinals- Wow, they are slipping! I just learned that they score under 4 runs a game. That’s a big fucking problem. I know their staff is good, but the whole offense thing needs to be worked out. I have this weird feeling the A’s are about to sweep them. I’m not going out on a limb when I say that.

6. Oakland Athletics- Dude, this fucking team. They dealt with the Reds, they are now dealing with the Cardinals. Any questions? I have one: Why does AJ Griffin know when I’m watching? When I’m not- he pitches a shutout. When I am, he fucking shits the bed. Stop watching AJ, you are my fantasy sleeper!

7. Texas Rangers- I don’t believe in this team, plain and simple. Me and Lil’ Roro were trying to guess how often Nelson Cruz pictures his botched fly ball putout attempt that would have won the 2011 World Series. Once a day? Twice a dream?

8. New York Yankees- Come on. I really don’t think they’ll make the playoffs.

9. Arizona Diamondbacks- My brother, AKA “Machados Mittens” (don’t ask), loves Paul Goldschmidt like I love my girlfriend- AKA, they aren’t breaking up soon. The rest of this team is confusing. Ian Kennedy needs to never pitch again, anywhere, ever.

10. Cincinnati Reds- We were all fooled for awhile. I don’t care what their record is, this teams sucks.

11. Baltimore Orioles-

12. Cleveland Indians- Trivia question: If Jason Kipnis’ batting average is NOT 1.000, then what is it?

Answer: I really don’t know.

13. Toronto Blue Jays- Something is brewing across the border, let’s take away their passports.

14. Washington Nationals- I play in a 4-keeper fantasy league, I traded for Bryce Harper 3 weeks ago.He’s a keeper, no? I wish Dan Haren would wake up, I need him like whoa. He’s not on my fantasy team, my drunk fantasy team, or anything. I just feel like I need Dan Haren. Now. Less Drunk. Still wasted.¬†(Morning Update: I have always said that being drunk brings out the uncensored truth. I do not like Dan Haren. This was very confusing to read in the morning. But, maybe, I do like him? And now I know? I will not soon forget this.)¬†

15. San Diego Padres- I know 2 things about San Diego: 1) I need to see Petco. 2) The women there aren’t the worst.

16. Tampa Bay- The homer Prince Fielder hit tonight exemplifies everything that is wrong with the worst ballpark in the MLB: I just don’t understand! Everybody told me: “that ball would’ve gone 500 feet!” Okay, then why is that fucking cat-walk there?! Get a real stadium Tampa. Now.

17. Colorado Rockies- Nothing without Tulo.

18. San Francisco Giants- Come on, now.

19. Lost Angeles California Angels of Anaheim- I love Mike Trout, as we all do. Josh Hamilton and Albert Pujols’ contracts need to start being accepted as two of the worst of all-time.

20. Kansas City Royals- I used to see a spark in this team that I don’t see anymore. Their “promising lineup” just hasn’t done anything. I like the Santana/Shields, but this team can’t hit in the clutch.

21. Philadelphia Phillies- Can we bury this team? They are clowns. I know their record isn’t bad, but bury them. Please. For me.

22. Minnesota Twins- Don’t believe in this team. They are a joke.

23. Seattle Mariners- I forgot to start King Felix on Wednesday (or whatever day he pitched). Did I mention I’m in last place in my fantasy league?

24.Los Angeles Dodgers- Yaisel Puig is really fun to watch, and seems like the real deal. At best, I could see this team climbing to .500. They are dysfunctional.

25. Milwaukee Brewers- A jewish, steroid- addict. This is bad.

26. Miami Marlins- Just a sad team to watch.

27. Houston Astros- Don’t change pitchers, let them ride it out! This team sucks. Houston sucks.

28. Chicago White Sox- How bad are the Indians TV announcers? I know listen Hawk Harrelson instead. Not proud.

29. New York Mets- From now on, always second-worst.

30. Chicago Cubs- The definition of a clown show.