I’m drunk, and I’m starting a new staple for our site. The Drunken Power Rankings will appear when we are drunk, and feel like power ranking baseball teams. If we forget teams, badly misplace them, or cite facts or statistics that are not actually true, well that is just a consequence of writing while drunk, I suppose.

That’s right, these are my power rankings, with absolutely no referencing anything, especially the MLB standings:

1) St. Louis Cardinals- How these dudes keep winning we may never know. Other than the awesome development of talent, refusal to sign idiotic contracts with dudes who are obviously in decline, their insistence on signing dudes who everybody else thinks are in decline, and their uncanny talent for finding pitchers who tear shit up like it’s no big deal. We just may never know.

2) Detroit Tigers- I know their record isn’t quite there yet, but these dudes are scary as hell. Trust me, I have to watch them 19 times a year. The main concerns about meeting the Tigers, anywhere, ever: Their pitching is really good. Underrated good. Verlander, Scherzer, and Sanchez are a big ole 3 you don’t want to get stuck facing in a 5 games series. Coke, Smyly, and Benoit have done their thing out of the bullpen. Spoiler alert: Valverde might be the clown show of the year, but manages to putter along and get saves here and there. But good god, he’s a clown. Oh, and that guy Miguel Cabrera who might win the triple crown yet again, which would be unprecedented territory (seriously, I’m not looking up shit right now, I’m drunk).

3) Boston Red Sox- I don’t have any good things to say about the team I just power ranked #3. I hate these assholes. If there is anything that says “child abuse,” it is a parent letting their child wear a Red Sox hat. I swear to god, if I were drafted by the Red Sox, I would find alternate plans. Like working in a restaurant. That’s what happened (not actually true).

4) Oakland Athletics- Wait, they just took over the lead in the AL West, no? What the fuck is going on out here. I don’t understand. Quick, name 5 A’s who play everyday… TRICK QUESTION BECAUSE THEY PLATOON LIKE WHOAAAA. But seriously, I’m gonna try. I suppose Crisp, Cespedes, Lowrie, Reddick, and Donaldson play everyday? Right? Lil’ RoRo?

4, A) Texas Rangers- Should have been here. Drunk.

5) Atlanta Braves- It’s hard to take this team seriously with the way they play on the road. Their home/road splits look more similar to an NBA team than an MLB team. Heyward is back and he is about to tear it up. McCann is back and I think is tearin’ it up (really wishing I could look things up). Their bullpen is a bit sketchy with injuries to O’Flaherty and some other dude I can’t think of right now.

6) Cincinnati Reds- I hate Sin Soo-Choo. I told everybody that during my fantasy draft. I guess I forgot that being a competent outfielder doesn’t count in fantasy baseball. Whoops.

7) Arizona Diamondbacks- Stuff going on in the desert, I guess. Ian Kennedy is on my fantasy team. I’m the biggest asshole on the planet, next to Ian Kennedy.

8) New York Yankees- The demoralizing sweep of the Indians I just watched was horrifying, but that is to be expected. Who in the world plays well at Lamade Field in the Bronx?! The demoralizing aspect comes from the lineup- Lyle Overbay is actually a big part of this offense right now. I would say this can’t last, but that would just be foolish.

9) Colorado Rockies- Rake city.

10) Baltimore Orioles-

11) Washington Nationals- I know, their record sucks. They’ll come around.

12) Tampa Bay Rays- Good ball club. Will they make the playoffs? A  lot of teams to leap frog.

13) San Francisco Giants- World Series champs won’t make the playoffs.

14) Cleveland Indians- We’re the worst.

15) Philadelphia Phillies- I expect the Phillies to stay RIGHT here.

16) Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim- Can’t believe I just typed all of that and put it in 16th place.

17) Minnesota Twins- Surging Twins, not surging for long.

18) Los Angeles Dodgers- Puig.

19) Toronto Blue Jays- I guess?

20) New York Mets- Honestly, who gives a fuck.

21) Chicago White Sox- Shocking to me that there are 8 teams worse than the White Sox in this ranking. This might change. Soon.

22) Seattle Mariners- For the last 3 years, they were supposed to be “ready”. They will never be ready.

23) Houston Astros- On the move!

24) Kansas City Royals- See: Mariners.

25) Pittsburgh Pirates- I

26) San Diego Padres- Know

27) Chicago Cubs- Nothing

28) Milwaukee Brewers -About

29) Miami Marlins – These Teams.

30) See 4, A.