If there is any doubt about how drunk I am, I want you all to know that I’m watching the Red Sox play the Angels right now. Rather, the Red Sox-Angels game is on in the background. I am hammered like a nail.

Let’s get down to it. If anybody actually reads this, a reminder: I will not look things up, especially the MLB standings. If it sounds like having the Red Sox-Angels game on in the background will provide me information I should not have access to, then trust me, I’m not actually watching that shit.

1. Detroit Tigers- Look, these power rankings are basically supposed to be about which teams I feel have the best chance to win the World Series. If there was any confusion about that, I’m clearing it up now. The Tigers are a disgusting, intimidating, indestructible conglomerate of baseball-playing specimens. The amount of times I turned off the Tigers-Indians game today — only to turn it back on again because I’m a bored idiot — is not something I could calculate. It was a lot. Every time the Tigers play the Indians it reminds me of those times when you play Madden for the first time in years, versus your friend who has played 200 games in the past week: you’re figuring out the controls, he’s vaguely explaining the “hit stick”, and BAM! It’s 21-0 and you have no idea what happened.

2. Boston Red Sox- Yeah, so I probably should have ranked these guys first. But I didn’t. You know who is the worst guy in the world? Joe Castiglione. When I am in Vermont, and the Indians are playing the Red Sox, I have the choice between listening to the worst AM radio static you could possibly imagine, laced with brief moments of Tom Hamilton’s voice, or turning on a crystal-clear FM signal with Castiglione and whatever other clown he is in the booth with. Every. Single. Time. I pick Hammy.

3. Pittsburgh Pirates- Still don’t believe. Not a hater, I just don’t believe. But it’s been a fun ride so far. I read a bunch of stuff about Pedro Alvarez today, but I forget most of it. He went to high school at Horace Mann in the Bronx, was freshman of the year at Vanderbilt, and then I stopped paying attention.

4. St. Louis Cardinals- To me, this is the team to beat in the NL Central. I know that might contradict the fact that these power rankings are my picks for who is the favorite to win the World Series, but deal with it. Yadier Molina was the leading vote-getter in the National League. I’m assuming he’s had a really good year, yet again, but it seems crazy to me that he would lead the league in votes. Is it just that everybody who grabs a ballot has no idea who else to vote for at catcher? Helllooooo, people: Miguel Montero is on those ballots. Anyway, the Cards pitching staff is as good as it gets. Wouldn’t want anything to do with this team come October. Did you know that St. Louis was once, simultaneously, the home of the St. Louis Football Cardinals and the St. Louis Baseball Cardinals? Or are you as young as me? I discovered this commonly known fact when I was in a thrift store and I came upon a St. Louis Cardinals shirt with the “NFL” insignia. They moved to Phoenix and became the Phoenix Cardinals for two or three seasons, before becoming the Arizona Cardinals. That also explains why they were in the NFC East with the New York Football Giants, Dallas Cowboys, Washington Redskins, and Philadelphia Eagles until divisional realignment. Actually, that doesn’t explain it at all. St. Louis should not have been in the NFC East. I’m confused. Anyway, yeah, good pitching and everything.

5. Oakland Athletics- I really like Jarrod Parker, and I am glad he has been able to salvage his season. As my girlfriend pointed out today, he looks like a 15 year-old in big-boy pants. Did you know that Grant Balfour is 22 for 22 in save opportunities this season? That dude is Australian as fuck, and I’m into that. Green and gold baby, green and gold. Anyway, the A’s have been extremely impressive again this season, and there is no joke I can make about that.

6. Atlanta Braves- I don’t know, I guess I have to bring in an NL East team now, and everybody else sucks. Like Tim McGraw in the song “I Like It, I Love It”, I have not seen the Braves play a game all year. However, it is not because I can’t get enough of a little girl’s loving, it is because I don’t give a fuck about the National League, especially if it has to do with the Braves.

7. Cincinnati Reds- These are some rap bars I wrote once: “Aroldis Chapman, I rolled this swisher/I rolled this fat one, for me and Nick Swisher.” Earlier this season, I inexplicably watched Chapman throw two 100-mph fastballs at Swisher’s head. Maybe he was sending a message to me?

8, Baltimore Orioles-

9. Arizona Diamondbacks- Congratulations, Arizona, you’re officially the best team in the worst division in baseball. And, don’t worry, none of those shitty teams under you are gonna catch up.

10. Texas Rangers- I know it seems like this is a team I forgot, and got drunk, and forgot. Fuck that. The Rangers just aren’t that good. If Derek Holland is your #2 starter, you’re either the Oakland Tribe-une — that’s actually the name of my fantasy team, real-talk — or the Texas Rangers. Either way, I wouldn’t want to be you.

11. Cleveland Indians- God, this teams sucks. Today, I spent 72 dollars (free shipping!) on a Jason Kipnis jersey. It’s the first baseball jersey I ever bought. It was a totally stupid thing to buy. How many times will I wear it, other than my three trips to the Coliseum in August? Let’s see – I’ll wear it the day I get it, while watching the Indians. I will probably get bored of it during that game, and take it off. So let’s call that 1.5 hours of me wearing the jersey, plus nine hours, give or take, for the three trips to the Coliseum. So I will wear this 72 dollar jersey for 11.5 hours. That’s pretty much six dollars an hour. In other words, a worthy investment, indeed. We are all Kipnisses.

12. New York Yankees- A-Rod is on his way back! I love it. What New York baseball needs is more drama.

13. Toronto Blue Jays- Watch out. I have an irrational distaste for R.A. Dickey. I also just had an overwhelming urge to look up what “R.A.” stands for. I’m guessing Richard Arnold. Part of my distaste comes from the title of his asinine autobiography (obviously, I have not read it): “Wherever I Wind Up”. What the fuck is the double meaning there?! Like, wherever you go through your baseball wind up… you… what? I’m waiting. Waiting for an explanation.

14. Tampa Bay Rays- This closes out the AL East. The division is almost the opposite of the NL West: anybody could win it, except in this case, it’s because all the teams are good. And I said “almost” the opposite, because I don’t think the Rays have a chance to win the division.

15. Washington Nationals- I really thought this team would have put it together by now. They haven’t. When people ask me what my favorite MLB park is, I usually say the Jake. But I never fail to mention two other stadiums: I had a great time in Anaheim. And that is embarrassing, but true. I also used to enjoy seeing Montreal Expos games at the O. I would estimate I went to four or five Expos games in all, as the stadium was a 3.5 hour drive from where I grew up in Vermont. I saw a Vladmir Guerrero walk-off versus Curt Schilling, I saw the Padres win by 5 runs, and I saw Tomo Ohka pitch about three more times than anybody should have ever had to. Olympic Stadium was so empty that you could buy a five dollar ticket and sit (nearly) anywhere you wanted. You could chat privately with somebody beside you, the nearest “fans” hundreds of feet away.

16. Kansas City Royals- These guys are coming around, finally. Eric Hosmer is hot. James Shields and Ervin Santana scare the hell out of me. Wade Davis does not.

17. Lost Angeles Angels of Anaheim- These guys are starting to roll a little bit. It wouldn’t be crazy if they got hot in the second half, no?

18. Philadelphia Phillies- Time for the fire sale!

19. Seattle Mariners- Two All-Star starters. That will keep you near .500.

20. Colorado Rockies- This is where I list four straight NL West teams that I can’t differentiate from one another.

21. San Diego Padres- Headley sucks.

22. Los Angeles Dodgers- Puig.

23. San Francisco Giants- Pablo is a dickhead.

24. Minnesota Twins- Justin Morneau will get traded this year. Joe Mauer will retire a Twin in ten years.

25. Chicago White Sox- This team is so bad that they got swept by the Indians. And that’s bad.

26. Milwaukee Brewers- I picked up Yovani Gallardo after a few good starts. I dropped him after a few bad starts.

27. Miami Marlins- The fact that this team has won two World Series is disheartening. Here is a fun anecdote that is sorta about Miami: I have a very good friend, who shall remain nameless. He was born and raised in the bay area, but always tells me about how much he loves the east coast. One time I asked him why he loves the east coast so much, despite having never been there before. He said: “You know, you got all those cities stacked on top of each other: Boston, New York, Pittsburgh, New Jersey, Miami…”. I truthfully made none of that up.

28. Houston Astros- Oh, boy.

29. New York Mets- Always 2nd to last.

30. Chicago Cubs- Always last.