I’ve looked forward to this day since Major League Baseball released the 2013 schedule.  The Indians shat the bed, and couldn’t do anything when they needed to.  I was one of at least 2,000 people there. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me. August 17th Drunk Power Rankings.

1. Detroit Tigers- When they’re not beating the Indians 100-0 they are usually struggling against sub-par teams. Don’t let this fool you — they have the best starting rotation in baseball and, by far, the best hitter. By the way, Justin Verlander is good at golf. I saw him on the course this winter, in California. I told him “let’s go Tribe. huh?” and he said “I haven’t seen too many Indians fans today”. No fucking shit, Justin. No shit.

2. Los Angeles Dodgers- Well, holy hell. This team is something like 41-8 in their last 50 games (I understand that doesn’t compute). No way they win the World Series. Or do they? Puig.

3. Boston Red Sox- Literally I haven’t thought about the Red Sox in a month.  I couldn’t tell you much.  Does Nomar still play for the Sox?

4. Pittsburgh Pirates- No way they make the postseason.  But they probably will.  Here are the Pirates I can name: Andrew McCutchen, Garret Jones, Gerrit Cole, Pedro Alvarez, Russ Martin, Starling Marte, Jason Grilli (maybe?), Jeanmar Gomez, Wandy Rodriguez, AJ Burnett.

5. St. Louis Cardinals- If the Pirates are four, the Cardinals are five.  All about Pete Kozma.

6. Atlanta Braves- Here’s what I think the starting rotation is: Julio Teheran, Kris Medlen, Mike Minor, Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine.

7. Texas Rangers- Hate the Texas Rangers. They’re in first place because the Athletics are incompetent.  Juan Gonzalez having a big year.

8. Cincinnati Reds- Aroldis Chapman throws really hard. Joey Votto won an MVP a while ago.

9. Oakland Athletics- Went to an A’s game tonight, saw at least 8,000 other fans.  They beat the Indians 3-2, I cried.  Turns out they’re actually very good — nobody noticed.

10. Tampa Bay Rays- The fun’s over in Tampa.  Even though they’re probably making the playoffs, they ain’t going nowhere.  Also, what’s their logo?

11. Baltimore Orioles-

12. Kansas City Royals- The Royals prospects are finally showing up. Should we be scared of this team? Lord knows.

13. Arizona Diamondbacks- Paul Goldschmidt.

14. New York Yankees- Turns out Alfonso Soriano is a big fan of Alex Rodriguez & Co.

15. Cleveland Indians- Mostly batting below .250.  Can’t score more than 2 runs a game.  Incidentally, this won’t win a lot of ballgames.

16. Colorado Rockies- CarGo is a good baseball player. I love Coors Banquet.

17. Washington Nationals- I’ve heard Dan Haren is doing better. I’m keeping Bryce Harper, I’m in last place in my fantasy league. Bryce Harper is my least favorite baseball player.

18. Toronto Blue Jays- They’re in Canada. The saddest part about power ranking teams is when you get to the Toronto Blue Jays.

19. Seattle Mariners- Very tough to say whether Michael Pineda (who has never really pitched) or Jesus Montero (who  really got suspended for steroids) was a better catch.  Call it a wash.

20. San Diego Padres – The Mets should probably be here, but fuck the Mets. Carlos Quentin is an above-average baseball player. He gets hit by lots of pitches.

21. San Francisco Giants- Truly, the greatest franchise in professional sports.

22. Lost Angeles California Angels of Anaheim- Troy Glaus was good. Mike Trout has hustle doubles. JT Snow was a good Angel.

23. Minnesota Twins- Who was that kid who threw a shutout against the Indians? Anthony or Andrew Something.

24. Philadelphia Phillies- They were good a while ago. Chase Utley is signed for a billion years or so.  Charlie Manuel and his dentures got fired today.  Ruben Amaro Jr. cried today — it was beautiful.

25. Milwaukee Brewers- Their mascot doesn’t take lots of slide rides these days.  Aramis Ramirez might play for them.

26. Chicago Cubs- They may be great in 2020.  Can’t name a Cub.

27. Chicago White Sox- Dark times in Chicago. Hawk Harrelson hasn’t spoken in months.

28. New York Mets- They’re fine, just they’re the Mets.

29. Miami Marlins- The Heat.

30. Houston Astros- If they win fifty games, party at my house.