I am home in Vermont. I am from Vermont. There are approximately 1,200 people who live in this state. They are all really great. They also like to get drunk.

As I sit on the couch in my childhood home, my brother and I realized we don’t have any other choice: we’re writing the drunk power rankings.

As always, we will not look anything up, despite the fact that our mother has cancer.

1. Los Angeles Dodgers- My brother is drunk and friends with exactly two Dodgers fans. I guess that’s why we’re ranking this team first. Otherwise, we’re not sure if they lost 2 of 3 to the Red Sox, or if they got swept, but Grienke and Kershaw didn’t pitch. So does it count? Also, what if Matt Kemp comes back? That’s just crazy. Says my brother.

2. Detroit Tigers- Guaranteed Cy Young and MVP winners. If assholes like my brother vote for Mike Trout or Chris Davis, we can take comfort in the fact that he doesn’t have a say in the voting. As if the guys who do are more wise than him. Miguel Cabrera hit a ball 450 feet at Citi Field tonight, which was incidentally the shortest he’s hit a ball in his life.

3. Atlanta Braves- The Braves are from Hot-lanta. and Hot-lanta is all about the bands. And bands make her dance. They got flamethrowers, young guys, brothers who sometimes hit balls places, Heyward took a ball to the face, is Hudson coming back? Bands. That. Make. Her. Dance.

4. Boston Red Sox- Why are the Pirates not here? Here’s why: we’re not sure, but they just beat the Dodgers two, maybe three times. For the record, we’re leaning toward two, because we kind of think the Dodgers won on Friday. John Lackey is pitching like not-John Lackey. Boston players are growing out their beards in a way Pirates players never could, or would. The Red Sox are here because we believe in the American League. The Red Sox are here because we believe in jinxing teams that we hate. The Red Sox are here because we are drunk.

5. Pittsburgh Pirates- So much better than the Sox. Black AND yellow. Everybody’s favorite game: how many Pirates can you name? I have a feeling my brother will be good at this, because he is good at fantasy baseball. Here we go: Neil Walker, Jason Grilli, AJ Burnett, Pedro Alvarez, Andrew McCutchen, Starling Marte, Gaby Sanchez, Russell Martin, Gerritt Cole, Mark Melancon (?), Francisco Liriano, Jeff Locke, Robert Andino (Orioles fan knowledge, but it also could be false), Garret Jones, okay, we’re bored and impatient. Deal with it.

6. St. Louis Cardinals- Well, it’s time to talk about the Cardinals which is boring. What is the scariest part of the Cardinals? They are machines, programmed for the postseason. Their pitching is stingy. They make double switches like Juicy J makes her dance. With bands. What else makes her dance? Carlos Beltran doing anything in October. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver can’t wait to be commentating World Series games for their favorite fucking team.

7. Texas Rangers- Fuck. I hate the Rangers. Almost as much as I hate the Tigers. But they’re good. Like that stupid Pink and Fun collaboration that you can sing every word to but hate yourself for doing so. The worst part about the Rangers? They will choke. And they will leave you wondering why another team didn’t get a shot instead. I fucking hate the Rangers. Is Ron Washington ‘Dusty Baker Lite’? Literally? And figuratively?

8. Tampa Bay Devil Rays- So much better than the Sox. By the 2020 season, EA Sports baseball series will be called “Maddon” in tribute of the man who may be the hippest manager of the current century. And yet even Joe Glasses, and his incredibly thrifty GM, with all of their bargains can’t inspire enough confidence in us to clap our hands. (That’s a reference to a Juicy Jay song). Did you know that Evan Longoria dates attractive women? And makes them dance? With bands.

9. Cincinnati Reds- Joey Votto has the longest contract in the MLB. He also only has one infield pop up in the last two years. Which is the exact same number of pulled foul balls he has hit… in the last six years. Although he may have just hit another one a couple of weeks ago and then proceeded to yell at himself in the batter’s box. If I was Joey Votto, I would turn my hatred on Dusty Baker. Who is the sum of all infield pop ups ever. Which don’t matter when them bases all clogged up.

10. Oakland A’s- Last we checked, Josh Reddick has hit just as many home runs in Canadia (he hit five and yes that’s spelled correctly) as ‘Merica. But this could be totally wrong. Because it’s Josh Reddick and he can hide the truth within his massive beard and numerous hot/cold streaks. Wait… Did he shave his beard? Fuck. It was those fucking Canadians wasn’t it? But seriously. The A’s. They’re g0ing to come back and knock the Rangers out. Again.

11. Baltimore Orioles-

12. Cleveland Indians- The worst hot team in baseball. Call it the Jason Kipnis Effect.

13. New York Yankees- Has anyone heard about Joe Girardi recently? We hear so much about A Rod and Jeter (who have played a total of what, 15 games combined?) and yet no one is giving props to the guy who has managed the Bronx “Bombers” for five years. That’s hard shit! And how do you keep this team in contention? Is it the bands? Are you using them to make them dance?

14. Arizona D-Backs- Paul Goldshmidt. He tried the first bed. It was too big so he hit it out of the park in the bottom of the ninth. He tried the second bed. It was too small so he hit it out of the park in the bottom of the ninth. He finally tried the third bed. It was just right. So he tied the game in the bottom of the ninth off of Jim Johnson, and then came back in the 11th and hit another home run to win the game and cap three straight walk off wins against the Orioles. Oh, Goldy. (The rest of you snakes need to pull it together)

15. Kansas City Royals- On a big slide. Good thing that Billy Butler got them bands. And all of you have such nice quasi-beards. Gordon, Moustakas, Shields. Are we right or are we right?

16. Washington Nationals- Are they really in second? How the hell can you be in second and already out of contention? Good thing that they didn’t use Strasburg too much. Rizzo, learn how to dance.

17. Philadelphia Phillies- This is the first time that we, as brothers, have gotten drunk on Long Trail in a long time. We have forgotten many baseball teams. This one used to have the best rotation in baseball. The rotation hasn’t changed, but the times have. I mean, this Long Trail is in a can! So is Roy Holladay. (88 MPH fastballs looking sharp)

18. Seattle Mariners- We have no idea how good they are. We just have a weird soft spot for them and know that King Felix never loses. And 1 out of 5 ain’t bad.

19. Toronto Blue Jays- I just watched Knuckleball. It made me hate R.A. Dickey even more. Because he’s the fucking worst. You know what would make this team better? Why don’t we trade our prospects away for a group of overpaid dudes who failed as a team last year? Vegas will love us and it doesn’t matter that we still don’t win together because our careers were over before this astroturf ruined our knees. Great idea.

20. Colorado Rockies- How about that Cuddyer guy? Old dudes suddenly finding pop in Colorado? Weird, right? So many awesome bats but no one to pitch for you. Time to get really high and tap into all that good beer around you… again.

21. Lost Angeles California Angels of Anaheim- Back in 1999, you could pay $1 to sit on the rock in centerfield at the Angels stadium, whatever the fuck it is called. Nowadays, it costs way more than $1 to procure the amount of rock it would take to be interested in the Angels. The fact that Mike Trout was hurt this week made the price of that rock skyrocket.

22. New York Mets- The Mets have two young starters who are really good and I’m pretty sure Marlon Byrd still plays for them. What could possibly go wrong for this team going forward?

23. San Diego Padres- What could you possibly say about San Diego?

24. Minnesota Twins- It’s impossible for me to think of Minnesota without thinking of Fargo. In fact, the Twins remind me of Fargo, too: they are a dark, dark comedy.

25. Chicago Cubs- While we’re on the subject of dark comedies, let’s move on to the latest and greatest, directed by Theo Epstein. It’s time to play “How many Pirates can you name” with the Chicago Cubs: Anthony Rizzo, Starling Castro, Jeff Samardzija, Pedro Strop, Jake Arrieta, Kevin Gregg, Darwin Barney, Edwin Jackson, Junior Lake… jesus. Dioner Navarro. We came up with that later on. That’s ten Cubs. We need a life.

26. San Francisco Giants- I still see motherfuckers in the bay, on kayaks, waiting for a splash hit. Do they still think Barry Bonds is coming back?

27. Chicago White Sox- Chris Sale destroyed the Gatorade cooler the other day. If I played for the White Sox, that might happen every day. For the record, Sale hit the cooler more times than Adam Dunn has hit a baseball in his life.

28. Milwaukee Brewers- I genuinely believed Braun’s apology was well thought out, genuine-sounding, and appropriate. He is none of those things.

29. Miami Marlins- This team does not suck.

30. Houston Astros- This team sucks.