I should really stay off of Facebook, but I can’t help myself.

I end up clicking on lots of links just to see how stupid they are, which definitely means the creators of such posts have won, and I’m the stupid one.

And today, shit got really stupid. I saw an article that is actually, literally, I swear-to-God, titled, “50 Unpredictable And Non-Cliched Places To Travel To In Your 20s,” by John Haltiwanger. As if that were not click-bait-y enough, this is the picture they toss up there:

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Just two enormous, irresistible islands in the background there.

I had to know. I had to know the predictably unpredictable places that I should be traveling to (note: I travel to exactly nowhere — I do not own a valid passport, even — and am thus approaching this from a place of ignorance. But then: welcome to the Clown Show).

Anyway, the post begins with that picture, and then this paragraph:

“There are certain destinations we all dream of traveling to one day: Paris, Rome, Bangkok, Rio de Janeiro, Jerusalem, Tokyo, New York City, Buenos Aires, Beijing, Stockholm.” 

Yeah, no: put me on the first flight to Jerusalem, because we all have dreams of someday entering a war zone. But, please, John Haltiwanger, tell me more.

“Travel snobs will tell you these places are so inundated with tourists that you won’t really enjoy visiting them. These individuals have lost sight of how privileged they are to travel in the first place.”

Fucking snobs. So privileged, so out-of-touch with us 20-something-year-olds that like to travel to non-cliched, unpredictable places.

“Here are the 50 least predictable places you should visit in your 20s (in no particular order):” 

And we start off with Isle of the Sky, in Scotland. Sure, fine, I’ve never heard of it, it looks pretty: you can count this one.

Then we get to #2, which you definitely haven’t heard of, and there is no way you would predict that somebody in their 20s would travel there. It’s this little place called NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA, IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, IT’S UNKNOWN AND NON-CLICHED AND SHIT.

Wait, but seriously, I do not know one person in their 20s that has not A) visited New Orleans, or B) talked profusely about wanting to visit New Orleans or C) at least heard of New Orleans being a place that people want to travel to when they are in their 20s. I know of redneck bachelor parties that took place in New Orleans, okay? New Orleans literally ranked fifth in the US in terms of most popular destinations for tourists last year.

WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT ONE COMING, FOLKS. WE ARE OFF-THE-MAP. WE ARE OFF-SCRIPT. SHUT IT DOWN.

Anyway, nothing cliched to see here, moving along…

He then lists off some places in Iceland, Armenia, Sri Lanka, Norway, North Korea, Turk– NORTH KOREA!?!? I’LL GIVE YOU THE NON-CLICHED ASPECT OF THAT ONE, JOHN. Holy fuck.

“If you want to do something really adventurous and enlightening, visit Pyongyang. It’s a place that will open your eyes to the eccentricities of humanity while simultaneously reminding you of the immense privileges people have in more free societies.”

CAN YOU EVEN DO THAT, JOHN? What are you going to do, call up Dennis Rodman and see when the next pick-up game is going on in Pyongyang?

Also, what kind of “eccentricities of humanity” are we talking about here, bud? I’m pretty sure eccentric people get killed by the State in North Korea.

As of early 2013, “one-third of North Korea’s 2,000 annual tourists were Americans,” apparently. It is unclear how many of them were journalists that are being held captive, but it’s true, if you want to be really adventurous, go to North Korea.

On to #16, which is not as high (you’ll get that joke in a second, I promise) as I would imagine “Freetown Christiana, Denmark” being, if you asked me…

“Freetown Christiania is a city within a city. It’s a self-governing section of Copenhagen established in 1971 by a group of hippies. It’s colorful, artsy and you can smoke weed in many places.”

YO. YOOOOOOOOOO, I’VE BEEN HAVING HELLA TROUBLE FINDING PLACES TO SMOKE WEED BACK HOME, BUT NOW YOU’RE TELLING ME I CAN FLY TO EUROPE AND THERE’S A SELF-GOVERNING CITY WHERE I CAN SMOKE WEED IN MANY (READ: SOME) PLACES?! PUT ME ON THE GODDAMN PLANE, FOLKS.

If you are buying plane tickets based on where you can smoke weed or not smoke weed, please consider entering rehab. And if you are considering entering rehab for smoking weed, please consider getting addicted to a harder drug first so you aren’t the pussy in rehab that’s in there for smoking weed.

“#17: The Trans-Siberian Railway, Russia: The Trans-Siberian Railway is the longest railway in the world, extending from Moscow to Siberia. It’s also probably the most incredible way to explore Russia.” 

Do you know what exists between Moscow and Siberia? About 5,700 miles of ice (I’m assuming), and the remains of like 300 billion Russians that starved to death in World War II (for sure). It would take you literally EIGHT DAYS to travel the entire Trans-Siberian Railway. But yeah, if you want a non-cliched vacation, this might be the one for you, particularly if you like sitting and looking out a window while literally the entire world passes you by.

“#33, Isla de Vieques, Puerto Rico: This rural island is only about 22 miles long and four miles wide, but it’s impossible to be unhappy there with its crystal clear water and glistening beaches.”

That’s right: it’s IMPOSSIBLE TO BE UNHAPPY on this island, which makes me really want to know why it isn’t a more predictable place to travel to. You know what else is 22 miles long, four miles wide, and makes everybody impossibly happy? NOTHING.

Hey, did you guys want to know something about Kazan, Russia? Well, the 49th unpredictable and non-cliched place to visit on this list “could arguably be compared to Istanbul. The city is a blend of Islam and Christianity, Europe and Asia. It’s beautiful, historic and cosmopolitan.”

Let’s run that back. You could arguably compare Kazan to Istanbul? First of all, this assumes I know things about Istanbul, and, sorry, I don’t. Second of all, couldn’t you arguably compare lots of things to lots of other things? This is me arguably comparing Ron Dayne to myself: we both peaked in college and totally visited New Orleans in our 20s.

Also, what the fuck does a blend of Christianity and Islam look like? A war?

Did this whole post feel a little cliched and predictable? I guess you could arguably compare my post to John Haltiwanger’s, then.