I’ve always wanted to do a mailbag. So I’m doing one. All questions are provided by readers/my friends who probably won’t read this.

I’m confused.

I’m not surprised.

Didn’t the pro bowl already decide what the best team in the nfl was?

-Confused In Oakland

A really great point. Team Jerry Rice is the best team in the NFL. The Seahawks and Broncos are playing for third place. How European of them. Maybe the winner of the Super Bowl should take on Team Jerry Rice? Am I crazy in thinking it might actually be a game? Drew Brees has got a few weapons, I guess. LaSean McCoy, Matt Forte, Jimmy Graham, Josh Gordon, Larry Fitzgerald, Alshon Jeffrey… okay, it wouldn’t be much of a game. But I would watch that. And I’ll never watch the Pro Bowl.

Was there ever any doubt who would select the winning Pro Bowl team? Jerry Rice vs. Deion Sanders, no matter the event, has only one outcome: Jerry Rice’s balls all up in Deion’s face.

One time Deion did something cool, but it was 20 years ago and if he did it today he would get called a thug, or maybe even worse. Like, “Richard Sherman” or something awful.

Get that thug off the field, already! He’s a regular Richard Sherman out there. Come on, man. Play the game the Right Way.

Is this Grady Sizemore’s year? Is it a bad sign the sox signed someone named Grady? What are the odds that pete carroll smokes with his secondary?

-Sam, Portland, ME

1) If this is Grady Sizemore’s year, I am officially giving up on baseball. But knowing the Indians luck, and knowing the Red Sox luck, Grady Sizemore will probably return to his 2005-2008 form and slay all four good-looking women that live in Boston. He’ll play 162 games and sign a monster extension with the Red Sox and then blow out both of his knees during the Red Sox World Series parade. At some point, even the Red Sox can’t out-luck Sizemore’s glass body.

But really, I wish Grady the best. He is an extremely likable player who needed a change of scenery. Let’s just hope he stays away from Starbucks.

2) As far as signing somebody named Grady goes, go ahead and click that link back there. It’s not as though the new Grady is Little. How about this, a Grady Sizemore nickname for you: Grady Grande. Remember to send me royalty checks when Grady Grande is on a t-shirt you are wearing.

3) Pete Carroll does not smoke pot with the members of his secondary. You know what story line has really fucking pissed me off this Super Bowl season? The “holy shit bro! the two states that legalized reefer have teams in the super bowl!” story line. And what? And who fucking cares. Oh, nice, a “Super Bowl” joke. Is there even a double meaning there? OHHHHHHH!!! Like a superb bowl of WEED! Like you’re going to smoke a big bowl of MARIJUANA, and you thought a good way to describe that was by calling it a “super bowl”. As in, hey bro, can you pass that super bowl over here? God, I can’t believe that double entendre slipped past me. It must be all the pot I smoked when I was 17, back when I would’ve found jokes like that funny.

Stupid jokes aside, are people implying that there is any type of significance in the two states that legalized weed sending teams to the Super Bowl? And have these people ever been to California, where weed has been legal for nearly twenty years? Don’t lecture me about technicalities. Weed is legal in California. If you don’t believe me, spend two years in Oakland.

“how much sicker would the Super Bowl be if someone spiked the Gatorade with tons of cocaine?”

-Zack, NYC

They don’t? If they don’t now, they once did.

What would happen if Richard Sherman nails Manning with a helmet to helmet on a CB blitz, concussing Manning, and sparking a Seahawks comeback? How would the league handle that?

-Matt, D.C. 

Okay, first of all, this isn’t going to happen. By now we have all heard the low down on Richard Sherman: he is smart. He may be a thug — and we all know thugs aren’t usually smart — but he went to Stanford! He was the Salutatorian at Dominguez High School in scary, scary Compton! He had a 4.2 GPA in high school! He even penned the following letter to his Stanford dorm-mates Freshman year (they were complaining because some dudes were carrying out a dorm tradition on Valentine’s Day, where they would wake women up early and sing to them, because these are the types of things that happen at Stanford, apparently):

“To all You assholes complaining,

If you dint like it live in another dorm next year then because tradition is tradition and If your Homosexual don’t celebrate the holidayy if its that big of a deal but im tired of yall complaining about a couple of hours of sleep yall are some assholes. Stop bitching and fuckin adapt I wake up that early everyday and I aint complaining so you guys really need to just shut the fuck up. Everyone else had fun so fuck the people who are complaining.

Richard Sherman” (courtesy of Deadspin). 

I mean this guy is a fucking genius! So there’s no way he’s going to put his career in jeopardy by following up Erin Andrews Time with a Peyton Manning Maiming.

But if it did happen — maybe one of those situations where Sherman is doing an honest job of going low and then Peyton inexplicably ducks into the hit — I sincerely think the NFL would adopt the NCAA’s ejection policy in the offseason. Before that happened, though, Brock Osweiler would step onto the field and we would all get our money’s worth.

Some fun facts I just learned from Osweiler’s Wikipedia page:

1) Osweiler could have played basketball at Gonzaga but instead chose to play football at Arizona State. This tells me that although Osweiler might have taken awhile to decide what sport he wanted to play, he was damn sure that, no matter the sport, he never wanted to win an NCAA national championship.

2) Osweiler was the first true freshman to start a game at Arizona State since Jake “The Snake” Plummer, which meant he was destined to become a backup-level quarterback for the Denver Broncos.

3) None of the other facts are fun. Oh, he was drafted before Russell Wilson was drafted, but who wasn’t. More on that later.

What’s a “brown”? 

-Clueless In Montpelier 

A Brown is a football player that shows promise but always lets you down. A Brown is a football player that gets to play in a really cool jersey in a pretty great stadium in front of some awesome fans for three or four years before they realize they are too good to be a Brown. A Brown is a beautiful fall afternoon turned into a terrifying winter’s storm. A Brown is that girl that left you for three years and then came back as a much lesser version of herself but you took her back anyway (because there was literally no other way you were going to find another suitor). A Brown is a Sunday hangover, turned hopeful, turned bad. A Brown is a 58-yard Foxborough field goal attempt that came up 3 yards short with no time on the clock. A Brown is a big black man shoving a referee to the ground because he was hit in the eyeball with a yellow penalty flag. A Brown is a football player that got to play in the Super Bowl because the movie Hot Tub Time Machine changed history so that Elway did not lead the Broncos on “The Drive,” meaning some character in that shitty fucking movie had to blow his friend. A Brown is a football player that will never play in the Super Bowl in real life because he is a member of the Cleveland Browns.

But if you’re wondering why the Cleveland Browns are named the Cleveland Browns, they are named for Paul Brown, who coached the first Browns team before becoming a traitor and forming the Cincinnati Bengals. But really what happened is that Art Fucking Modell fired Paul Brown. Rest in peace, Art Modell, if “peace” is a war zone where nuclear bombs are dropped on a daily basis. You fucking cocksucker.

How many people will try to school you about how special it is to have Renee Fleming sing in the superbowl, just so they can show that they’re vaguely familiar with the most famous opera singer alive?

-Ryan in Ridgefield, CT

(Googles Renee Fleming)

Apparently, one person: that’s you, Ryan from Ridgefield.

first question: whats a pm?

A personal message. A prime minister. A post meridian. A Phillip Morris. A Peyton Manning. A Peyton Manning. A Peyton Manning. (But actually, a personal message).

second: whos the lamest qb on a football team right now (excluding mark sanchez)

Are you sure Mark Sanchez is on a football team right now? I’m tempted to go with Brandon Weeden, but Weeds is just too much fun to call “lame.” If we’re going with the true sense of “lame,” like not interesting/pure weak sauce, I gotta go with Matt Schaub. Matt Schaub can’t even be called a “game manager” anymore. And “game manager” is his ceiling.   

third: whos antics are more likeable/badass, marshawn or sherman

So glad you went there. One thing that has been lost in the shuffle since that fateful post-game interview is that Marshawn Lynch is the biggest badass in the National Football League. Lynch and Adrian Peterson are the only two backs in the league that command your attention every time they touch the ball. Even if they go for two yards straight up the middle, you’re glad you stopped watching your game (especially if “your game” involves the Browns) because a two yard run by AP or Marshawn is ridiculously exciting. And while Richard Sherman was studying in Compton, Marshawn was at Oakland Tech being the #2 running back in his recruiting class (behind AP) and the #1 D-back in his class. In the country. One game, Oak Tech put Marshawn at defensive end and he forced THREE FUMBLES. I didn’t make any of that up, though I’m fairly certain Wikipedia did.
One thing I really like to imagine is Sherman and Lynch (who went to Cal) talking shit about the big game. Can you picture a more one-sided conversation?
Lynch: (gives Sherman the meanest mean mug ever).
End Scene. 
This brings me to my next point. Do you think you could, right now without practice, be inserted into an NFL game and net 3 yards on 5 carries? Everybody always answers this question wrong: yes, they think they could, but they probably wouldn’t get up after the first hit. Wrong. No you couldn’t, and you DEFINITELY wouldn’t get up without the first hit. I didn’t even give you time to put pads on.

fourth: what u gonna eat reformed vegetarian

You’re such a dickhead. How do you know so much about me, Nick from Philly?

I’m going to be eating a lot of things. What am I going to be making? Beef chili topped w/ Fritos. And I’ll probably make some nachos.

As far as beverages go, I have a moral dilemma. I want to be as ridiculously American as possible and drink tons of Budweisers, but I really don’t want to drink tons of Budweisers, what with all the fine microbrews we have up this way. Especially when you consider those microbrews are actually owned by American companies. But drinking microbrews makes you look like succhhhh a pompous European dickhead. It’s a real damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t. I know what Nick from Philly is going to do: drink Yuengling. Or whiskey. But both.

fifth: Russell wilson… is he too short or just short on entertainment valueee… ooooo
In the Browns ongoing, two-decade search for a franchise quarterback, we selected the following players prior to Russel Wilson being drafted:
1. Trent Richardson (1st round)
2. Brandon Weeden (1st round)
3. Mitchell Shwartz (2nd round, and a solid pick).
So Russell Wilson is none of the above. He is the white buffalo. The one that got away.
Also, that has to be the worst first round any NFL team has ever had, correct? The only good thing we got out of it was the Colts first round pick in the upcoming draft. Neither player will be on the roster next year after just TWO YEARS. Unparalleled.
sixth: nick foles is the next peyton manning… true or really true?
I’ll leave this one to my buddy Adam, who once quipped during the Colts vs. Bears Super Bowl: “Peyton Manning is the next Rex Grossman.” And that was kinda true (see: Super Bowl XLIV).

seven: If you really adore your pet dog or cat what is the likelihood that you are actually just sexually deprived? 

I mean, I’ve always thought of it as more of an affection issue. I had two teachers that were married who called their dogs their “kids.” That seemed like an issue to me. Then again, they probably never had to worry about their “kids” driving their Subaru Outback into a telephone pole and drunkenly staggering into a field to sleep for the night. But maybe they did, because some dogs are crazy.

eight: whats the most badass type of bird… and is a seahawk in the top 5… btw the answer is pelican

I’ve been saying this all year: The New Orleans Pelicans is a solid name for a franchise. I’m standing by it. My top 5:

1. Bald Eagle

2. Albatross

3. Eagle

4. Birdie

5. Seahawk

So yeah, seahawk makes the cut. Oh, and Pelican didn’t make the list because I agree with you. So consider this badass birds, 2-6.

nine: what city will be more stoned for the superbowl… denver, seattle or portland


ten: ur ideal halftime show

Prince. It already happened.

 woooo doneeee

 -Nick From Philly

Thank God.

On to the lightning round:

Do you think Beyoncé will make a surprise appearance and save the half time show? 1,000 times no, unfortunately (and I don’t really love Beyoncé).

How much do you like Bruno Mars? Less than he likes himself.

Who will say “Omaha” more? Peyton or the announcers? That seems like a Championship week story that is now burnt out. So I’ll go with Peyton.

Over under: “football” will be said 500 times. GOOOOOODDDDDDDD I hope it’s over. But under.

Will you laugh at any of the ads? No. I will do my best not to watch them and get angry at anybody who shushes me when one is on.

Will you buy anything thanks to the ads? More beer to drown them out. I suppose that means they win…

Do the Broncos throw near Sherman more than once? I’ll say seven more times than once.

-Max, Waterbury, VT

Gratuitous, Under-explained Super Bowl Pick: 

Broncos 30, Seahawks 17.


Cover Image Courtesy of the New York MTA.