In an age when we are increasingly aware of the side effects inherent in contact sports, you might not expect to see a renowned college athletic conference celebrate such side effects. Then again, you probably wouldn’t expect a renowned conference to add hockey to their lineup. The Big Ten, then, has defied all our expectations in one, glorious thirty-second commercial.

You can’t fault the Big Ten for pandering to what a casual hockey audience usually thirsts for: dudes hitting the piss out of each other. If a puck happens to fly into a player’s mouth? All the more rad. In fact, I think the Big Ten should take the next logical step and release a football commercial with different athletes splayed out across the turf, dazed and confused. If we are going to sell student-athletes getting their shit rocked, then enough of this pussyfooting around, already — let’s go whole-hog!

Obviously, losing teeth and getting concussed are not analogous: you can replace teeth, while a concussion is a pit stop on the fast track to having a large, used wad of gum instead of a brain. But the fact is that the Big Ten is trying to get you excited about a sport by celebrating the very things it should probably claim to be concerned about, like player safety.

Then again, these athletes are getting paid handsomely to put their bodies on the line — wait, what?! An education, huh? You must kidding.

You’re going to have to give ’em what they want, you hockey-playing goons. And all you are going to get is a Big Ten education and oodles of sex. All of which you won’t remember because your brain will be in a medical lab some place, being analyzed by people who have never heard of hockey or football because those sports no longer exist.

Smile!