As Kansas City fans celebrate their beloved Royals returning to the “postseason” — if tonight’s AL Wild Card Game qualifies as such, that is — the rest of us must take it upon ourselves to celebrate the magnificent douchebags that so populate their roster.

Let’s begin with tonight’s starting pitcher: “Big Game” James Shields, or, as we like to call him, “Big Name” James Shields, the Royals “ace” that has worse postseason numbers than he does in any regular season category. Granted, it’s a small sample size, but that is kind of my point. The player that the Royals traded their entire farm system away for two years ago will finally get a chance to lose the franchise’s biggest game in thirty years, prior to fleeing for greener pastures this offseason. Don’t worry, Royals fans, he only has to face Jon Lester, a pitcher’s whose “clutch” reputation is actually based upon statistics.

But why hate on tonight’s starting pitcher when you could hate on Mr. Royal himself: Billy “please don’t make me play in the field” Butler:

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Billy boy! Barely hanging on there! This play, I kid you not, is called “Butler’s phenomenal catch” on MLB.tv. Because watching Billy Butler fall over in slow-motion truly is a phenomenal experience.

Oh, hey, look! It’s Alex “I was in SLC Punk and Summer Catch” Gordon running into walls again!

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Timber! The last time I referenced Alex Gordon on this blog, I said I couldn’t wait for him to sign with the Red Sox already. To be honest, I have changed my mind: I hope Alex Gordon is forever a Royal, toiling in relative obscurity in the middle of Missouri. It’s just too perfect. It’s too precious; too much fun to hate.

ROYALSSUCKALEXGORDONGLOVEA slam dunk! There’s our favorite bro and his Hollywood smile.

Wait a second, why does Alex Gordon play left field, again? Oh, that’s right: he used to play third base but he had to move to left for second-overall pick MIKE MOUSTAKAS. How has Mike Moustakas done, you ask? Not good.

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Mike Moustakas, ladies and gentlemen! Does Mike Moustakas hit women in his spare time, you ask? No, he hits them on the damn baseball field:

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I would like to note that Moustakas did not even pretend to apologize for this blatant display of male entitlement, just as he has never apologized for his career slash line of .236/.290/.379.

How did our favorite group of bros celebrate getting to play a 163rd baseball game this year? By being bros, of course! Take it away, Eric Hosmer: ROYALSSUCKERICHOSMER

 

This whole video is worth your time — toward the end, Hosmer gives an unintelligible shout-out to what we must assume are a bunch of his fraternity brothers (note: shockingly, he did not attend college [note: that was sarcasm]).

#LetsGoOakland.