Photo by Kwong Yee Cheng

Photo by Kwong Yee Cheng

What a treat it is when two teams get together to play a nice friendly intra-division game and instead end up brawling like it’s 1987. Last night the Dodgers and Dbacks did just that, supplying us with many captivating moments: coaches almost coming to fisticuffs, Yasiel Puig getting hit in the nose by a pitch and then trying to punch someone (anyone), and some scenes that more or less came straight out of an assault PSA/West Side Story. At the center of it all was, of course, Zack Greinke. As he always is. At least this time he managed not to break his collarbone.

However, our most favorite clown Ian Kennedy, already the subject of a wonderful review on this site, was perhaps the biggest story on the night, as he put another feather in the cap of what is an illustrious career by almost seriously injuring two people, misunderstanding the very idea of “settling the score”, and starting a brawl that could’ve had wide ranging effects for both teams (and will). He will be suspended for a long time, because our god is a merciful god; His fantasy owners will rejoice, because maybe, just maybe, this will finally be the thing that causes them to drop him, even though he shouldn’t ever have been drafted in the first place, because he’s Ian Kennedy.

There was a lot that went on last night, so let’s get to it!

First of all, let’s just say that Ian Kennedy was doing something very un-Ian Kennedy last night, and that is pitch well. Through 6 1/3 innings, he had only given up 2 earned runs on 4 hits, with 6 K’s. Take a bow, Ian, you had a quality start. Then he was ejected, maybe because the umpires couldn’t fathom what they were seeing from Ian Kennedy and had a mental break, or maybe because he almost hit two batters in the head with fastballs. Regardless of the reason, Ian Kennedy should be ejected every game.

Round 1

Kennedy’s pitch to Puig in the sixth inning was an 0-2 fastball that hit Yasiel in the nose. While this was obviously not intentional – I am amazed that this is possible. A few inches and this kid’s career might be over. As Ian would quickly learn, you don’t want to hit the most exciting player to be called up this year in the head, the guy who the Dodgers love, the wunderkind, the sparkplug. He was down for a long time receiving treatment and would get up and jog to first, but the damage was done, and the first domino had fallen.

Round 2

Zack Greinke. I could just stop there and you’d probably infer that he intentionally threw at a guy who’s way bigger than him and then immediately fought him. You would be pretty close. After trying and failing to hit Miguel Montero three times, which is hilarious (he even got a swinging strike), he finally got it right, getting Montero right between the letters:

Take notes, kids, because that’s how you hit a batter. Except for the whole missing him the first few times, but that’s beside point. If you fail to hit someone with an object the weight of an apple traveling at upwards of 90 MPH, try, try again. But OK! We’re all settled now, right? The benches clear and are warned, we have a few choice words and a cup of coffee on the field, we return to the dugouts and play the rest of the game. All is right in the Ravine!

NOT IF YOU’RE IAN KENNEDY. OH HELL NO. AN EYE FOR AN EYE? I WANT BOTH THEM EYES!!!!

ROUND 3!!!!!!

And so, with Zack Greinke at the dish in the bottom of the 7th inning and one out, Ian Kennedy gets real clowny and tries to kill him, throwing at his head. Greinke, to his credit, takes it in stride, but it might be because he just got a fastball thrown at his brain. Kennedy is immediately ejected, a great weight is lifted from the world, and the RUMBLE BEGINS!!!!!:

This is a nasty, nasty brawl. Guys are getting flung around, Don Mattingly is mixing it up with somebody, Puig is in there tossing his meat hook at whoever the hell wants to get on the end of it, and Big Mac is getting all roid ragey on Matt Williams. And L.A., that city of debaucherous excess, is loving every minute of the bloodsport. At one point, as Yasiel Puig is yanked out of the scrum, there is a collective “Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuig” that reverberates around the stadium. GET BACK IN THERE, SON! PAPA NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF SNAKESKIN BOOTS!

A few highlights – I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but Diamondbacks assistant hitting coach Turner Ward gets absolutely savaged. It’s like the opening scene of 2001: A Space Odyssey – someone is going to come out of nowhere and bash his skull in with a bone at any moment. And then it’ll get thrown into the air and turn into a baseball. Why poor ‘ol Turner Ward was chosen to be on the end of this ignominious beatdown, we may never know.

Courtesy of Gifulmination.com

About a minute or two into the brawl, Mark McGwire saunters over to the teeming mass of aggression, and something makes the latent steroids still remaining in his system activate. BIG MAC HULK SMASH!

This one is particularly awesome because Matt Williams looks terrified. Which is natural, because anyone would be terrified if they had a man whose arms are the size of your neck clenched onto you like a large angry crawfish. This is the second time this year that Big Mac has gotten his paws dirty – he also did some serious work in the Dodgers/Padres brawl earlier this year when Greinke got injured.

The take away from all of this is that the Ian Kennedy is the clown we all thought he was before this went down – one who doesn’t really understand the concept of retribution. Or maybe he just can’t keep track of the number of times each team has hit a member of the other team, which would go at least part of the way towards explaining his continued performance (ability to count to at least 4 is pretty crucial for baseball). It’s great, and kind of amazing, that no one got injured during this.

And really, Ian Kennedy will probably be suspended for a start or two, so this is actually a net gain.