If you haven’t noticed before, I am now telling you that I really like radio country. Sure, it’s glorified pop that resembles its ancestry only in the sense that it is music, but radio country is still so much fun. In particular, they say ridiculous things that are delightful to dissect on a level they were never meant to be dissecting on.

On that note: I love Scotty McCreery’s “See You Tonight,” but good god is it a creepy song if you listen to it the right (wrong?) way. What is the right (slash, wrong) way, you ask? Let’s analyze the lyrics, Fire Joe Morgan-style.

Girl, you know I love talking to you on the phone

I could listen to your sweet voice all night long

WARNING SIGNS. If he can listen to your “sweet voice” “all night long” and that sounds like a good thing to you, you must be 15 years old. He’s a little addicted, you’re a little naive, and he might be driving over to your house soon to get a little rapey.

Sometimes I can get by with a “sweet dreams, baby good night,”

But this time, well, I don’t wanna spend it alone

Yeah, but, Scotty. Sometimes you gotta spend nights alone. Otherwise you’re that desperate, creepy guy who can’t possibly spend a moment without your girlfriend (or boyfriend, the sex of the subject has not been established).

So I’m coming over, I hope it’s alright

You HOPE it’s alright?! You HOPE?! Maybe you should call her Scotty. Or text her. Maybe you should see what she’s doing, and if it’d be an appropriate time to roll through. Does she still live with her parents? I sure hope it’s alright, too.

Listen for me pulling into your drive

Oh, she’ll be listening, alright. So will her stepfather. He owns lots of guns.

Look out your window—you’ll see my lights

When? Should she just stare out the window until she sees your lights? Goddamit, Scotty, if her stepfather is up you better cut the lights before you roll into the driveway. Rookie mistake.

Baby girl, I gotta see you tonight

Oh, we know.

The way the breeze is blowing, blowing

Got me wishing I was holding, holding

Holding you so tight under that porch light

But girl, I gotta see you tonight, tonight, tonight

So what night works for you, Scotty? Tomorrow? Friday? Never?

Girl, I gotta see you tonight, tonight, tonight.

Oh, tonight, okay.

I got a couple hundred pictures of your pretty face

NO.

On my phone, on my dash—all over the place

Wait, back up. You have A COUPLE HUNDRED PICTURES OF HER FACE? Girl, run. Move to a different state. A different country. Change your identity. Get facial surgery. This is serious.

But I would drive a million miles

Shit, our plan is foiled. Okay, move to a different planet. I think those are millions of miles away and not easily reached via driving.

Just to see that little smile in real life

Baby, it’s worth the drive,

You’re worth the drive.

Nothing is worth driving a million miles, Scotty. That’s stupid. There are plenty of women that live within 500,000 miles that you’d totally drop this girl for.

So I’m coming over, I hope it’s alright

Listen for me pulling into your drive

Look out your window—you’ll see my lights

Baby girl, I gotta see you tonight

The way the breeze is blowing, blowing

Got me wishing I was holding, holding

Holding you so tight under that porch light

But girl, I gotta see you tonight, tonight, tonight

Girl, I gotta see you tonight, tonight, tonight, whoa.

Alright, we get it, we really do.

No, I don’t care what time it is,

OTHER PEOPLE DO. SHE MIGHT. This is unacceptable.

I just gotta get a little moonlight kiss

Girl, I can’t help it when I feel like this

That’s exactly the problem, though, Scotty. You need to be able to help it when you feel like that.

There’s only one thing to do

Masturbate?

Baby, I’m missing you

So masturbate. To the couple hundred pictures you have of her face.

I’m coming over, I hope it’s alright

Goddamit, Scotty. It’s so not alright.

Listen for me pulling into your drive

Look out your window—you’ll see my lights

blah, blah, blah, blah…

Lock your doors, babe. Block his number. Unfriend him on Facebook. And good lord, please, PLEASE, please never Snapchat this man.

Oh, and here’s the music video with a really ridiculous military flourish:

Nice job, Scotty. You successfully diverted our attention away from the fact that you are insanely rich, play music for a living, and are really creepy when it comes to needing to see women.

Scotty McCreery? More like Scotty McCreepy. Am I right?!

 

Cover image is a screenshot taken of a Vevo video (if that wasn’t readily apparent).