012011 BBA Kipnis

Jason Kipnis get his Jesse Pinkman on. (Courtesy of news-herald.com)

Warning: this may contain spoilers about how the Indians season ends up. 

As AMC’s Breaking Bad mercifully draws near its inevitably tragic ending, the Indians do the same. In fact, both seasons are scheduled to end on Sunday, September 29th. This cannot be a coincidence.

Depending on the day, the Indians remind me of several different characters from Breaking Bad. Walt, for their unwillingness to put their hands up and genuinely say “you got me”.

Hank, for their maddening difficulty in getting the damn thing over with, one way or another. Hank, Indians: if you’re going to fuck it up, just fuck it up already. The longer you wait, the more people you take down with you.

Even Lance Landry Todd is not immune from making me think of the Indians — just when I have a glorious moment of forgetting they exist, I fire up the Roku, press the “ok” button a couple of times, and BAM! there they are, fucking up my life, reminding me of what I once thought they were: I thought Lance Landry Todd was a nerdy tight-end-turned-field-goal-kicker. I thought the Indians were a nerdy-tight-end-turned-playoff-contender. I was obviously wrong on both counts.

Jesse, while the world waits for the conscience of Breaking Bad to be interrogated by Hank, who will, as I have already mentioned, undoubtedly fuck all of this up, Indians fans wait to see what happens to their moral center, Jason Michael Jordan Kipnis. We want to see him succeed, to somehow exist beyond September 29th, but we know better. All things must die, good or bad.

Skyler, every time you cry like none of this is your fault, the Indians commit another error, and I cry like none of this is my fault. We both wanted it all despite not being able to handle the consequences. We will spend September paying for our sins.

Lydia, how I wish I could be you. After another series of Indians losses, I would put my arm over my face, and have Lance Landry Todd walk me through the carnage left behind from the fray. Yes, you will be shot soon, and of course I will not go so far as to say I would rather be shot than be around for the end of the season. Of course I wouldn’t say that, of course. 

But maybe… 

Yes, I’m ready for something more light-hearted, and if Louis C.K.’s humor is more light-hearted than you — Indians, Breaking Bad — then you have got serious issues.

This is the final season of Breaking Bad. I haven’t heard anything about the MLB canceling the 2014 season of The Cleveland Indians, and of course I would never cancel my MLB.tv subscription, to put myself out of this misery, once and for all. Of course I wouldn’t do that. Of course.

But maybe…