It’s that time of year, when the MLB All-Star teams are decided by us, the fans. Yes, that time of the year when people vote for their favorite players 35 times, disregarding anything that resembles merit-based discernment. Undoubtedly, the players from the most popular teams will compromise the majority of the All-Star squads, while deserving players from small market teams will be mercifully left off the rosters, enabling them to enjoy four days off in the midst of a grueling 162-game schedule.

In other words, who fucking cares about the All-Star rosters? The All-Star Game will be a terrific display of superstars tepidly playing a single game, governed by rules made popular by Little League Baseball — the managers will shift their lineups every couple of innings to ensure that nobodies’ Adam Dunn-sized-ego gets battered like a Joe Blanton fastball.

We feel it is our duty, here at the Clown Show, to provide you with a list of guys who will certainly not be heading to New York next week, guys who have had such bad seasons that they can, for the first time, call themselves All-Stars of a different sort: Clown Show All-Stars.

Our voting system was slightly different than the one employed by Major League Baseball: Lil’ Roro and Ricky Automatic polled three of their friends — two of whom responded — and disregarded everything their friends said. No, folks, this is not a democracy, but more like a school board.

Without further ado, your 2013 Clown Show All-Star Teams:

Photo Courtesy of the US Navy

Photo Courtesy of the US Navy

National League

C – John Buck, New York Mets- Look, it’s no fun to pick on catchers. They do a thankless job, and we should have zero expectation of their offensive abilities. For Buck’s sake, this guy set the world on fire in April! You couldn’t pitch to him! He hit 9 home runs in April! And then it was May. And then it was June. And now it’s July. He has hit 4 home runs since that mirage that was April, despite catching pretty much everyday. Buck’s slash line now stands at .205/.271/.375. He has inexplicably garnered 264 at-bats, despite his inability to get on base.

1B – Ike Davis, New York Mets- Well, well, well. Two Mets to kick off the festivities! Ike Davis has spent a great deal of this season in Triple-A, which saps the Clown Show of precious material. No need to worry, folks, because Ike was called back up to the bigs yesterday. Ike Davis’ most impressive statistic this season: a .521 OPS, which is dead-last in the National League (minimum 200 PAs). For a guy who was hypothetically supposed to be a power-hitter, that’s probably not a good sign.

2B – Danny Espinosa, Washington Nationals- Oh, Danny. You somehow managed to maintain a .193 OBP through 167 PA. The fun doesn’t end there, though, for Espinosa’s minor league line this season is an unbelievable .152/.227/.203. He has 4 extra base hits in 79 at-bats for the Syracuse Chiefs. That’s right, a .203 slugging percentage at Triple-A for a guy I selected in the 12th round of my fantasy draft. This might surprise you, but I’m in last place in my fantasy league.

SS – Starlin Castro, Chicago Cubs- (commentary from MachadosMittens) This was the easiest pick. The kid has the potential to be the greatest shortstop in the game. He’s flashed brief power, is incredibly fast and has shown that he can hit .300 consistently. Except that he no longer is consistent, is one of the worst defensive shortstops in the game, does not know how to steal bases, and while he takes home run swings, they end up being just big whiffs and a short trip back to the bench.

3B – Pablo Sandoval, San Francisco Giants- Pablo, part of me feels like we invented the Clown Show All-Star Team especially for you. You are the worst thing that has ever happened to the bay area, including all natural disasters. I have to walk by several people a day wearing pandas on their head, and that is an experience that no human being should have to endure. If I were a Major League pitcher, I would throw the ball at your head every time you came to the plate, until you stopped doing the worst pre-at-bat ritual in baseball history. Oh, and you’ve sucked this season, but that’s only partially why I feel justified putting you on this list. Please retire. Today.

(All National League OF commentary provided by MachadosMittens)

OF – BJ Upton, Atlanta Braves: Too easy. I’ve always hated his inconsistency and Atlanta is just rubbing it in. Did you know that his real name is Melvin Emanuel Upton? I guess we all know what “BJ” stands for…

OF – Ryan Braun, Milwaukee Brewers: He was always close to being an MVP, but he never should have been. Now, I just wish he’d never been. You know, like, created.

OF – Lucas Duda, New York Mets- Fact: The New York Mets are currently paying Jason Bay and Bobby Bonilla more money than Duda. But Bay is a now a Mariner and Bonilla retired years ago. Which makes Duda the fanciest outfielder that actually plays for the Mets. That’s not funny.

SP – Ian Kennedy, Arizona Diamondbacks: (commentary by Lil’ RoRo) Take a bow, son. You somehow fooled the Arizona Diamondbacks into paying you 4.26 million dollars this year. Not only have you maintained your old tricks, such as posting a 5.16 ERA and 1.33 WHIP, but you’ve also started mixing in a strong clownin’  around streak, like intentionally throwing at two people’s heads in the same game. You are a joke, in and of yourself, so congratulations; you get the ignominious distinction of starting the Clown Show All Star Game for the National League.

Also receiving votes: Josh Beckett, LAD; Roy Halladay, PHI; Any and all SF Giants pitchers.

American League

C – Alex Avila, Detroit Tigers- Good thing Avila’s daddy is the assistant GM and vice president of the team he plays for. This blatant nepotism has kept Avila’s .174 batting average in the Tigers’ lineup for a total of 52 games. Good defensive catcher, you ask? Well, he lead the league in passed balls last season, with 10, and already has 6 so far this year, so no, not so much.

1B – Mark Teixeira, New York Yankees: (commentary by Lil’ RoRo) Maaaaaaaaarrrrrkk!! Oh boy, where to start. You have always seemed like a huge clown, from the ridiculous face you make when batting to choosing the Yankees over the Red Sox because your wife liked the shopping more in New York. Now it’s finally happened, your first All Star appearance. What’s that you say? You’ve been an All Star twice before? I really have a hard time believing that, Mark, what with your .151 average and wrist that’s about to fall off. I think you must be mistaken. Let’s just light some of that 22.5 million dollars you’re making on fire to get these cigars going. Then we can laugh at poor people, and first basemen who are actually playing baseball and contributing to their teams.

2B – Emilio Bonifacio, Toronto Blue Jays: I was like, Emilio! Emilioooooo! Bonifacio is getting paid 2.6 million dollars to play baseball this year, which is about 2.6 million dollars too much. He can play just about anywhere on the field though, which means the Blue Jays can utilize his .242 OBP at a number of different positions.

SS – Brendan Ryan, Seattle Mariners: Brendan Ryan, you’re so good at playing shortstop that the team who employs you can consistently overlook your career .621 OPS. We cannot, however, especially when you have outdone yourself in 2013, dropping your OPS all the way to .509. I don’t care if a shortstop can cover the entire left side of the infield on his own. If he hits below .200 for two consecutive seasons, it’s time for Plan B. Then again, this is the Mariners, and Plan B would probably be a promising prospect who flames out like a comet.

3B – (Three way tie) Will Middlebrooks, Boston Red Sox, Brett Lawrie, Toronto Blue Jays, and Mike Moustakas, Kansas City Royals. All three players have shown that they can mash the ball, each in their own way. But all of them are .200 hitters who seem obsessed with their power potential to a fault. Lawrie might be my personal favorite clown if only for his failed use of speed and workout routine which makes him buff, fast and apparently fragile as porcelain. Let’s make sure we never forget about this, either.

OF – Michael Saunders, Seattle Mariners- .211/.296/.336. Oh, Canada.

OF – Josh Hamilton, Lost Angeles Angeles of Anaheim- Another sad story. “Straight-edge” Angels players are having a rough year — perhaps they should try smoking whatever Mike Trout is passing around in the clubhouse. I feel bad for Hamilton. He’s not the brightest dude and didn’t make it any easier on himself, but no one deserved the farewell that Texas gave him and I hate to see his critics proved right… so far.

OF – Yoenis Cespedes, Oakland Athletics- Why isn’t he doing that crazy Cuban thing? We’ve seen him do it before and his fellow countrymen (see Puig, Chapman) brought the fire from the forbidden island and haven’t looked back. Yet. Did we really get Cespedes too late? I want more fireworks before he falls apart. Because his body is falling apart a little more every time he wildly slides into a base, or the wall, or the ground.

SP – Joe Blanton, Lost Angeles Angels of Anaheim- Joe Blanton has been pitching better as of late, which means his 2-10 record and 5.14 ERA are even more impressive. I think Joe’s getting the honor of starting against Ian Kennedy is summed up well in this post that I wrote earlier in the season.

Also receiving votes: JD McCoy, Andy Dirks, DET, Curtis Granderson, NYY, Mark Reynolds, CLE, Every closer in the American League.