The dunk contest. Please, god, let it be better than it has been. I have this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. It could be my hangover that has now made it all the way until 10:45 PM. It could be the chili I just ate. But it’s actually dread. I’m dreading the dunk contest. How did we get here? How did a most exciting event get so bad? Most importantly, who is Nick Cannon and what is he doing on the basketball court during the 2014 Sprite Slam Drunk Contest?

Oh, look, they are announcing the new rules. The new format can’t be too bad, right? Oh, no, the new format looks pretty bad. Dunkers are getting eliminated if their dunks aren’t good? So, like, you have one chance to make it real (to trade in these wings for some wheels)? And then if you blow it, you’re done? Brilliant.

Oh, hey look there are the dunkers. They are now dunking. They are now helping each other dunk. They are missing a lot of dunks. OH GOD, Ben McLemore. Damian Lillard is still here. He’s been on the court for a while now. And Harrison Barnes is being embarrassing. He should have brought Nikola Pekovic with him:

Now is when I tell you that I was at that game. Now is when you get jealous.

Now is when we go back to talking about the worst dunk contest ever. It happened last night. I was watching it.

Now the guys from the East are dunking. How exciting. PAUL GEORGE THOUGH. The crowd is so thrilled. That was sarcasm. Nobody gives a fuck and I can’t blame them because they have no idea what’s going on. I have no idea what’s going on. Why are they doing this? They are doing this to decide who goes first in a best-of-five, East-versus-West “battle round.” Because it is necessary that watching players do ridiculous dunks be inhibited by some asshole’s vision of how to make the dunks more interesting. Or something. They crowd is confused, as am I. We went over that.

Okay, so now the East has won and they want the West to go first. This is so stupid. First matchup: Damian Lillard versus Terrance Ross. Lillard to dunk first. Because he is “West.” Nick Cannon said so.

Lillard dunked. Nobody noticed. Don’t worry, Drake is here. A couple of people clapped. For Drake. Terrance Ross dunked. The lights went down. Fewer people clapped. Just hold on. We’re going home because this dunk contest fucking sucks.

Can you imagine having paid money to attend this dunking exhibition? I’m so glad that I’m on my couch, getting drunk, trying to stay awake. It’s not that hard to do these things alone. And there are zero people here that weren’t here last year, so I don’t have to ask who the fuck y’all are. Because there is no y’all. It’s just me. And my beer.

It’s time for Harrison Barnes to dunk because Nick Cannon said so. He’s facing Paul George. Good luck with that, Harry.

Some guy is putting something in Barnes’ pocket. We don’t know why. Nor do the announcers. He is attempting a really bad dunk and missing. This is a new low. He jammed it. The lights went off. Nobody clapped. Barnes looks embarrassed. Apologetic, even. The guy took the thing out of his pocket. We still don’t know why. Lillard didn’t even offer him daps. Nobody offered him daps. I’m being serious, go back and watch: nobody offers him daps. This is a new low. His not good dunk is now being played on the jumbotron as an animation from NBA2K14. Barnes couldn’t look more embarrassed if he tried. Say it with me folks: THIS is a new low.

Paul George. Insane dunk. Fourth try. Nobody cares.

Ben McLemore has been missing for awhile. Not missing dunks, like missing in general. Nobody can find him. Maybe he actually did go home. Who could possibly blame him? Because this is embarrassing. But, no, it turns out McLemore wanted to make this more embarrassing. There is some white guy in a medieval outfit, McLemore is wearing a crown, and Shaq is– you know what, who fucking cares. Let’s cut to the chase: McLemore is going to jump over Shaq who will be SITTING DOWN because the jumping over people standing up thing has been totally played out (and truly, it has been).

Why am I watching this? Why are you reading this? McLemore dunks. Shaq crowns him. Nobody cares, and really, why would they?

John Wall’s turn. He dunks it on his first try which is actually the most remarkable part of his dunk; the dunk is only remarkable in juxtaposition with everything we’ve just seen. And now, because the East “swept” the West in three straight “battles,” the dunk contest is over. Which means we’ve seen each player dunk exactly once, and now the “dunk contest” is over. Usually I would say this is stupid — and it certainly is stupid — but this dunk contest needs to be over.

And now it is. John Wall “won,” as did the Eastern Conference, apparently? Please, god, never let this happen again.

Since the dunk contest was reinstated in 2000, it’s been like watching a relative slowly die. There was that moment right after they got diagnosed where you thought “this isn’t so bad, they look great!” (Vince Carter). Then they had some solid years (Jason Richardson, Fred Jones, Gerald Green) prior to showing their age, weakness, etc. (Nate Robinson, Dwight Howard ruining everything). They had some really good days (DeMar Derozan) during some bad years (Nate Robinson again, goddamit). They even bought a Kia (Blake Griffin). And then they started to lose their mind (Jeremy Evans), and their body started to fail (Terrance Ross), and then they were hospitalized indefinitely as we all sat around and watched, powerless, wondering what the fuck we should be doing. Some of us even went online and looked at YouTube videos that would serve as a reminder for what they once were: Larry Nance, Michael, Dominique, Isiah Rider. Kobe. Vince Carter. But you knew it was over. The best days were long behind them. There was only one thing left to do:

It’s time to euthanize the dunk contest, to put us all out of our misery.