The Inside Snoop

Author’s note: This was intended for publishing before yesterday’s games. However, after RickyAutomatic set me up with an account it took me a full two days to type the password — fuckthesox1918 — so this post is going up on Monday morning instead. Enjoy.

Gambling on sports (read: football) has always fascinated me, partially because it seems like a way to win (or lose) at football. And I enjoy winning, and certainly can’t win by playing real football. But, if I am being honest: most of the intrigue comes from the money, because I unfortunately make a “living” building furniture.

Until last weekend, gambling on sports was mostly a curiosity-from-afar situation for me. But, now I’m living in Austin for two months (that’s another story), have ungodly amounts of free time, and am 90% certain the only fantasy football team I care about is 90% mathematically eliminated from making the playoffs, despite having scored the fifth-most fantasy football points in my fantasy football league (yes, this is me in my natural state: being bitter). Last week I had an extra ten bucks (because alcohol is ridiculously cheap in Austin) and it turns out that being bombarded by advertisements for daily fantasy games will take its toll on you eventually.

All this is to say, I’m delving into the world of DraftKings, despite them advertising under the worst slogan ever created: “Bigger Winnings, Bigger Millionaires!” Though, “delving” might be too strong of a word — I got my toes wet last weekend, and this coming Sunday I’ll probably continue to sit on the edge of the pool (there are probably metaphorical sharks in this metaphorical “pool,” let’s be real). In any case, I’m going to document this journey for The Clown Show. I’m aiming for a weekly piece, assuming I don’t drown in the pool and can no longer afford internet access.

Sidenote/disclaimer time!

This is a fairly terrible idea, for the following reasons:

1.The people who run gambling websites and casinos and OTBs make a lot of money. That’s because every form of gambling is designed so that us plebeians will lose the majority of the time. Everyone knows this, I think. But everyone is also an idiot, including myself.

2. As you might have gathered, I am a rookie gambler, and thus, nothing I write here should be taken as advice. On the contrary, take it as an opportunity to learn from someone else’s follies, kind of like Don Quijote. I think that’s what that book was about but I don’t speak Spanish, so who knows.

3. Seriously, the slogan on the website I’m using is “Bigger Winnings, Bigger Millionaires.” I’m not joking about that. Bigger Millionaires.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s go win some money! Here’s the breakdown: Last weekend I ponied up the aforementioned kingly sum of $10 (about a full day of earnings for me). DraftKings was kind enough to pull an NPR and “MATCH that sum!” because, just like NPR, they want to get me hooked and take all of my money and give me nothing but a raw hatred of sports in return. Their nefarious motives became more clear when I found out that I have to play and win a whole bunch in order to have those funds become available (starting to sound fishy yet? Not to me!). They did give me a free entry into a tournament, though. I believe I created six or so lineups, entered them into about ten different games for a total of $9.75 spent, and all of this proceeded to stress me out for an entire Sunday — just as it was meant to do, I suppose.

If you’re confused about how daily fantasy football works, don’t worry — I had no idea what any of this meant last weekend. In fact, I still don’t really know what happened, but who cares, because my bankroll was a stunning $.15 heavier at the conclusion of Monday Night Football! I consider this a coup, and a sign that I’m destined to be a fantastic gambler. If I came out on top without any real preparation and/or understanding of what I was doing, imagine what I could do this Sunday with a little research? Important note: I think that last sentence is beginning of the end for every broke(n) person that is now in a Gambler’s Anonymous group, but I’ll find out soon enough.

In the meantime, if you think you’re the sort of person who might enjoy getting stressed out over $10 I can highly recommend DraftKings. Oh, and Go Malcolm Floyd, you sexy son of a bitch!