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Justin Masterson, check. Carlos Santana, word. Asdrubal Cabrera? Sure. Nick Swisher, of course. Michael Bourn, alright. Mark Reynolds…

Oh, just Mark Reynolds casually backhanding a ball.

Well, golly gee, I know he got DFA’d and everything because he strikes out as though he were Mark Reynolds, but Mark Reynolds should probably remain on this banner, I think. I think Mark Reynolds should remain on this banner because I can’t picture any other 2013 Indian who might belong on that banner who might sell jerseys or jersey-shirts and the like. No, we can’t put the guy who leads the team in steals (and general sex appeal) or the guy who leads the team in batting average or the guy who put the team on his back and rolled ’em into the postseason because those guys won’t sell jerseys or jersey-shirts and the like. Plus it would be way too hard to photo-shop the picture to remove the image of Mark Reynolds. Way, way too hard.

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What’s that? Oh we still have Shin-Soo Choo jerseys from a year ago in storage? That’s swell we can still sell them, maybe we should knock off fifty bucks and try to sell them for, I don’t know, 189 dollars. Nah, let’s sell them for 188.97 because that’s three cents less than 189 dollars and 189 dollars looks like a lot of money while 188.97 looks like a gosh darn steal for a guy who every Indians fan has forgotten about or at least tried their damndest to pretend he is not playing baseball four hours south of here, turning in a good gosh darn season. Yes sir-ee.

Hey the Indians made the playoffs yesterday maybe you want a “gift idea”? Boy do I have a gift idea for your family member or friend who hasn’t paid attention to the Indians in the last five years: a 13×16 print showcasing the jerseys of three players, one of which is still on the Indians, and an anonymous jersey of a nameless guy who wears jersey #3. Oh, no, it’s not an anonymous guy, that guy could be you! You could be the player whose Cleveland Indians locker sits sandwiched in between Shin-Soo “I Swear That I Only Had Few” Choo (a Cleveland-fan favorite) and Grady “50 Games Sound Like a Full Season To Me” Sizemore! If you are thinking, a 13×16 customized print… that sounds expensive… you would be absolutely right! 49.99, and that includes the shitty wooden frame that will fall apart like Grady Sizemore’s knees the moment you hang it on your wall!

Come one, come all! Let’s buy some Indians gear and have a fucking ball!

Gooooooo Tribe!