And here they are! The Drunken Power Rankings, written with absolutely no assistance from anything, especially the MLB standings. If I misplace, badly mis-rank, or straight-up forget a team, oh-fucking-well.

Tonight, I bowled a 144, 180, 156 tonight. My girlfriend got pulled over on the way home, and didn’t get a DUI (as she shouldn’t of, she had had one beer). Life is good, my bowling is not.

1. St. Louis Cardinals- Yeah, they keep winning. Not sure if they won tonight, I was watching the game for awhile and it was tied 4-4 when I left off in the 5th. They were going to town on my fantasy ace, Derek Holland. Yes, I am in last place.

2. Cincinnati Reds- Fuck it, doing this. Lest I forget somebody from the NL Central again (see: Pirates, ranked 25th last time).  Did I mention I don’t like Shin-Soo Choo? Last time I spelled his name “Sin-Soo Choo”. I kinda like that better. Anyway, the Reds have a legit lineup, good pitching, solid bullpen. Fuck it, doing this.

3. Boston Red Sox- I just learned that Dustin Pedroia is hitting somewhere around .310 with 4 HR, and 40 RBI.  Pretty good, he shouldn’t start at 2B for the AL though. Neither should Robinson Cano. HAVE YOU HEARD OF JASON MICHAEL KIPNIS? Did you know Mike Carp used to play first base for the Mariners? Just learned that somewhere. Now I’m not convinced it was first base… Jon Lester is getting lit up. Still waiting for Lackey/Buchholz to get lit up, but I only think one of those things is going to happen. Where is Jonathan Papelbon when you need him, to poke fun at guys who rub you the wrong way? I have a friend who is a Phillies fan who likes the Phillies about 85% as much as he used to since Paps got signed. I’d say that’s fair. If the Indians had signed Victorino and/or Youkilis, I might have found a different sport to be interested in.

4. Atlanta Braves- I’m really not sold on these guys, but I will continue to rank them high. Nothing wows me about this team. Well, that’s not true, it wows me that people are still bummin’ about BJ Upton, like he won’t come around and hit .230 with 18 HR and 15 SB. That’s a whole fucking season for BJ Upton! So much potential, so little Justin!

4, A) Meant to put the Detroit Tigers right here. I hate the Tigers. Valverde getting DFA’d is exciting. I wrote an entry about that. I went overboard and said if he took a line drive to the head, I wouldn’t feel a thing. But I’m honestly not sure that I would. It’s hard to say. I don’t want to see people get hurt. I just have no connection to him as a human being, and really dislike him as a baseball player. Miguel Cabrera has a legit shot at the triple crown again, EXCEPT for the fact that Chris Davis has been working out in the Brady Anderson Memorial Steroids Closet at Camden Yards, and EXCEPT for the fact that Jason Kipnis is leading the league in A) sex appeal, and B) Jason Kipnises. Am I the only one who feels like Justin Verlander gets lit up every time I watch him pitch? I must be. But seriously, he gets lit up every time I watch. And by “lit up” I mean something like 4 ER in 7 IP.

5. Oakland Athletics- What can you say about these guys? They keep winning, we keep getting confused. Can we stop knocking A’s fans, by the way? Here are the facts: they rank something like 24th in percentage of attendance this year. They have one of the most outdated, if not the most outdated, ballpark in the league. They play in one of the smallest cities to have a major league team — if I had to guess, I would say they rank 28th behind Cleveland, anddddddddddd… I can’t wait to look this up. (Morning Update: Oakland ranks ahead of Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, St. Louis, Tampa, and Cleveland.) Also, they have extremely successful neighbors who are a 20-minute drive away. I’m impressed they draw as many fans as they do, and the fans who do show up are fucking dedicated. So let’s drop that whole thing and get them a new stadium. Okay? Great.

6. Pittsburgh Pirates- Well, aren’t these guys just shooting up the power rankings! Holy shit! I still don’t know anything about this team. Things I know about the Pirates, off the top of my head: Starling Marte plays left field. Neil Walker is the 2nd baseman. Garret Jones plays first (does he platoon?!), Pedro Alvarez plays third (does he platoon??!?!), AJ Burnett, Wandy Rodriguez, Jeff Locke, James McDonald, and other guys are on the roster. Why are you reading these rankings? I clearly know nothing about baseball, particularly the inferior National League. (Morning Update: Apparently this guy Andrew McCutchen plays center field.)

7. Baltimore Orioles-

8. Arizona Diamondbacks- Well these dudes had to be here somewhere. I just learned that Paul Goldschmidt outranked Mike Trout as the Minor League Player of the Year according to some publication in 2011. It might have been Baseball America (Morning update: It was USA Today. Baseball America had Trout). Goldschmidt rakes, but what the fuck was he doing in the minor leagues to outrank Trout? Hitting 35 bombs with 120 RBI?! Promise to look this up later.  If I make it through this without passing out.

9. Texas Rangers- Slipping, but showing the A’s what’s up in this past series. Why did I rank the A’s 5th again? Because I believe! I live in Oakland, baby! Who cares about the AL West. Quick, division with longest World Series drought? DING DING DING, the AL West, ladies and gentleman! 24 years and counting! In fact, the AL West is the only division to have not won a World Series since divisional realignment, I just realized. AND THEN, I remembered the Anaheim Angels won the World Series in 2002. Well, goddammit. The part about the longest drought is true, but it’s only been 11 years.

10. New York Yankees- Hmm. Confused by this team. I really feel like they’re missing one bat and one good arm.

11. Colorado Rockies- This is a real thing that happened to me the other night: I was bowling (go figure), and some Asian dude had a Coors Light bottle. He might have brought it from home, I’m not sure if the bar serves them. The Coors Light label said this, and I’m pretty sure this is spot on: “Cold Hard Fact #201: Despite the continental divide, Coors Light flows to the east and the west of the Rockies”. If that doesn’t sum up the Colorado Rockies, I’m shit out of ideas.

12. Tampa Bay Rays- It’s hard not to like Joe Maddon and the Nerds. I always have. Dick Vitale always has. I’m just not sure they’ll get back to the World Series in the near future, especially with the Orioles and Blue Jays putting together the teams they’ve got. Somebody has to be the odd man out, no? And it’s gotta be the team with the least money, no? Rays seek to prove me wrong, and I appreciate that.

13. Cleveland Indians- Coin flip with Nationals. Indians win thanks to taking 2 of 3. This team has got to stop playing close games. I’m losing my shit. My poor father is going to have a heart attack soon. Fun fact about Jason Kipnis: he shits excellence.

14. Washington Nationals- When Bryce Harper gets back my fantasy team will (hopefully) get a surge for about 2.5 weeks before he goes crashing into the wall again. I traded Ryan Braun for Harper in the midst of the allegations against Braun. I felt like a genius then. I hate myself now. (Morning Update: Ryan Braun has not played in two weeks. Seriously, if you’ve made it this far, stop reading this.)

15. Philadelphia Phillies- I have no idea how they’ve been doing.

16. Kansas City Royals- They were legit hot for a minute after George Brett got hired on as hitting coach. Mike Moustakas still isn’t hitting. Eric Hosmer has 3 or 4 home runs. Every person who comes out of their bullpen throws 101 mph, and I’m only 15% exaggerating. They. Throw. Smoke. I really think the Royals will break through sometime. I just think it will be next season.

17. Toronto Blue Jays- Climbing.

18. San Francisco Giants- I really think this team sucks. Don’t think they are relevant. Yes, I’m sure they’ll prove me wrong and Cain and Bumgarner will carry the team for awhile, but I do not think they will make noise past, perhaps, the Wild Card round.

19. Minnesota Twins- Nah.

20. San Diego Padres- They should be higher. I forgot to rank them higher. They are another team I really can’t name many players who play for them. Here it goes, honest, and unadulterated: Nick Hundley, Chase Headley, Chris Denorfia, Tim Stauffer, the more I drink the harder this gets. And I know there are like five dudes I will kick myself about in the morning. (Morning Update: Way more than five guys that made me want to kick myself.)

21. Lost Angeles California Angels of Anaheim: You see what I did there, with the “Lost”? Honest typo, had to keep it. For all I know, they’re playing a lot better. Entirely possible. Who is afraid of this team, though? Bad pitching, great lineup, little success.

22. Seattle Mariners- Eh, never gonna get there.

23. New York Mets- Harvey and Wheeler might be the future, embarrassing players like Ike Davis are the present.

24. Los Angeles Dodgers- Puig magic wearing off. What is this overpaid team really all about?

25. Chicago White Sox- The White Sox are a clown show. Fuck Hawk.

26. Milwaukee Brewers- I traded Bryce Harper. For Ryan Braun. Ouch. This is why I’m in last place. (Morning Update: see, Nationals paragraph.)

27. Houston Astros- Are they playing better something?

28. Miami Marlins- Are they playing better or something?

29. Chicago Cubs- Might make it a new rule that the Cubs are always last.

30. See 4, A)