Last Friday we spent celebrating Josh Gordon and his appreciation of country music. This Friday we are here to talk about another former football player that has a relationship to country: that’s right, Mr. Sam Hunt has recently showed up on the country scene. Hunt is also a former collegiate quarterback for the likes of Middle Tennessee State and UAB. According to his athletics profile on UAB’s website, during his first year at UAB he had an “excellent completion percentage” of 58.5%. Let’s call that a harbinger of sorts for the lyrics we are about to read together.
Yes, “Leave the Night On” is his first smash-hit, and it sure seems like he completed fewer than 60% of the lyrics. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?
They roll the sidewalks in this town
All up after the sun goes down
And we are off to the races, folks! Coming in hot with what would appear to be a saying that nobody ever uses. Ever.
Also — and this is important — I’m really sick of country singers dicussing how small, desolate, and boring their towns are, only to later reveal things on the contrary: they have SIDEWALKS in their town?! Let me tell you about the town I grew up in: nary a sidewalk to be found. Sidewalks are found in cities — as are country singers, apparently.
Isn’t it inherently contradictory that the capital of country music is Nashville, the 25th most populous city in the country? Shouldn’t it just be some town where the 25 famous country singers live and nobody else?
They say nothin’ good happens here
When midnight rolls around
BACK-TO-BACK COUNTRY CLICHES TO KICK OFF THIS ONE, FOLKS. Hold on to your cowboy hat (that you totally bought off eBay), and reel in that fly rod (that you totally bought off eBay): it’s about to get country.
But layin’ down would be in vain
I can’t sleep with you on my brain
And I ain’t anywhere close to tired
Okay, so you are all alone, thinking about this girl that is decidedly not with you, and nothing good happens in this town after midnight (partially because they roll the sidewalks up) — great, I’m still with you. I think.
Your kiss has got me wired
Dude, you kinda made it sound like you are not with her. Are you with her or not?

Girl, you got the beat right, killin’ in your Levis

Okay…so apparently you are with her? Missed that part. And she has “the beat right”? Please tell me this is a hand job reference. Hand job references are so country.

High on your loving’s got me buzzin’ like a streetlight

Buzzing like a streetlight. I really need to try this country song writing thing. Here’s a sample from a song I just wrote:

“You’ve got me buzzing like an alarm clock.”

Fuck, wait… that makes way too much sense.

“You’ve got me buzzing like a Clif Bar.”

Better, but we’ll consider this a work in progress.

It’s still early out in Cali, baby, don’t you wanna rally again

NOT RELEVANT. UNLESS YOU’RE IN CALIFORNIA. AND MODERN COUNTRY SONGS, NEVER, EVER TAKE PLACE IN CALIFORNIA. You see, in the modern country, “California” is a mythical place that exists only to illustrate the angst for flight that itches inside the cowboy boots of every rural girl and boy. Nobody actually relocates to California, they just talk about it all the time. It’s a lot like a real-life Alaska: sounds good in theory, never fucking moving there.

We’ll find a road with no name, lay back in the slow lane

STOP. This is the second worst line in the song. And it is not allowed. I’m not allowing it, folks. Your country music sheriff, Mr. Automatic will not stand for this.

“We’ll find a road with no name.” This means: we’ll find a road, in the middle of nowhere, that nobody drives on but us. Typically, these roads are made of dirt. If another car is coming your way, you pull over to the side because you are a nice person and that road is almost never wide enough to comfortably fit two cars that are traveling at a reasonable pace.

“Lay back in the slow lane.”  WHAT KIND OF FUCKING NAMELESS ROAD IS THIS?! Just a four-lane dirt road?

But there’s more. Because that was the second worst line in the song. The worst? Here it comes:

The sky is dropping Jupiter around us like some old train

Think about it. You’ll get there.

YUP. This is an incoherent, well-disguised, inexplicable reference to the song “Drops Of Jupiter” by Train. By TRAIN. Train. That Train, that band: Train.

Deep breaths.

Also, how could the sky possibly be “dropping Jupiter”? Jupiter is just like, a shooting star, traveling downward? What is wrong with the people who wrote this song? The only possible explanation is that they could not think of another thing that rhymed with “no name” and “slow lane” (cocaine, duhhhh). That, or they are fucking with us and seeing if anybody will scream bloody murder and give up on country music altogether. Alas, I’m foiled, because I’ve heard this song dozens of times and I can’t stop listening to it! It’s like people who claim they watch shitty movies ironically when really they actually love them. That’s me. With country music. Judge me.

We’ll be rolling down the windows, I bet you we’re catchin’ our second wind

There is a tense shift here that doesn’t work at all. “We will be”… “I bet you we are”…

Do you think writing country songs has turned into madlibs?

“Okay, guys, we need an affectionate name for a female. Anybody? ‘Honey,’ okay, good. Now we need… let’s see… we need a make and model of a truck… ‘Toyota?!’ What are you out of your fucking mind? I know everybody in the country actually drives Toyotas and everything, but Toyota is a Japanese name and brand and people still hate the Japanese because when they were a reeling, destroyed, ready-to-surrender empire at the end of World War II we totally dropped the two biggest bombs in the history of mankind RIGHT ON THEIR HEADS so now everybody in country music is only allowed to drive Fords, Chevys or Fords (or Chevys). Got it? Great, Ford F150 it is.”

We don’t have to go home, we can leave the night on
We can leave the night on

I just… I can’t do this. No, but really, feel free to read the rest of the lyrics but I can no longer lose brain cells by doing the same.

There is no double meaning here, there isn’t even a single meaning. This song is stupid. Unfortunately, it is also catchy.

Now all the stars are turnin’ blue

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?! Okay, I lied. I’m going to keep doing this now.

Just kissed the clock 2:22

Who kissed the clock? Why did they do that?

Baby, I know what you’re wishin’ for
I’m wishin’ for it too
Now all the lights are flashin’ gold
Nobody cares how fast we go

People definitely care. They really do. Slow your roll(ing up the sidwalks).

Our soundtrack’s in the stereo
This DJ’s on a roll

Girl, you got the beat right, killin’ in your Levis…

Blah, blah, blah: the rest of the chorus happens again and I refuse to subject you to it twice. The bridge:

The sun’ll steal the magic from us soon
So let’s take one more trip around the moon

That. Doesn’t. Make. Sense.

I. Shouldn’t. Be. Surprised.

Here is the music video, in which Hunt is the most attractive cab driver to ever exist (don’t watch it):

Goddammit.

Happy Country Friday.