I’ve had two Heady Toppers. If you don’t know what that means, look it up.

As the world’s greatest human being, Jason Kipnis does a lot of things well. How many things? All of the things. But I’m here to power-rank just some of the things he does.

1. Breath oxygen

2. Hold baseball bat funny

3. Steal bases

4. Smile

5. Throw baseball slow when he doesn’t have to throw baseball fast

6. Hit opposite field home runs that travel at least five feet over the fence

7. Ask umpire where the last pitch was

8. Glove baseball, usually

9. Smile

10. Run Bases

11. Hit RBI-singles while I author this post

12. Hit RBI-singles that are essentially Baltimore-chops that end up in the outfield while I author this post.

13. Play Sega Genesis (I imagine)

14. Bat in front of Lonnie Chisenhall

15. Reside On Disabled List

16. Reside on my fantasy team

17. Reside in our hopes and dreams

18. Make money

19. Not make enough money to appear as though he is one of those spoiled assholes that make a lot of money that reside in the MLB

20. Practice Roman Catholicism like a good Roman Catholic that practices Roman Catholicism

Over it.

(But so very into it).