If you are an Indians fan and extremely masochistic, or just a baseball fan who wants to have a good laugh, please take a look at Ubaldo Jimenez’s game log.

This fucking guy.

I live in Oakland, CA. I work in San Francisco, CA. For those of you unfamiliar with just how close the two cities are, let me tell you that it takes me 23 minutes to get to work in the morning, door-to-door. I walk two blocks to the corner of Monte Vista and Oakland Avenue. I get in a stranger’s car. They drive me across the Bay Bridge. I pay them a dollar, if I feel like it (I usually don’t). I get out and walk three blocks. I am at work.

The way home takes a little longer, probably 50 minutes. I take BART, a public transportation system that is awesome because it is a public transportation system. It carries tons of people. It goes really fast. I get off the train, and sprint down the stairs, unnecessarily fast, racing people who have no idea they are my opponents. I get on a free shuttle, provided by Kaiser Permanante. It drives me close to my house. I stop in at my local grocery store, buy a couple of things, talk shit to A’s fans who talk shit back, and then traverse a treacherous hill that can only be called Mini-Everest.

Since I get off at work at 4 pm PST, the above paragraph is interspersed with my perpetual checking in on the Indians game. The phone that I check the score on is an older version of this one:

flip phone


Do you think I made a typo? That my phone couldn’t possibly be older than that one? Oh, it is. It’s older than that one.

The point of this fucking story is that this past Friday, Ubaldo Jimenez was on the bump for the Indians. He usually is, every five or six days. He was facing the Mighty Minnesota Twins, which meant that he would probably pitch between five and six innings, giving up a lot of walks, striking out a lot of guys, and somehow managing to throw an average of 20 pitches per inning. In other words, he was going to do what he does against every team not named the Detroit Tigers.

At around 4:18 PST, I decided it was time to check the score on my phone. I made a private bet with myself: Ubaldo had let two men aboard the bases before getting out of a first inning jam. After much delay, my old-ass-phone loaded the goods: Ubaldo had thrown 29 pitches to get out of the first inning. He had loaded the bases on a walk, double, and walk, before striking out the next three batters.

If that doesn’t sum it up.

The guy’s ERA is somehow under four. This season, he has thrown 53% fastballs, down from 70% in 2008. He throws 19.3 pitches per inning, which is second in the MLB to Lucas Harrell. He walks FIVE FUCKING BATTERS per nine innings, though it feels like ten. And yet, time and time again, he goes five or six innings and gives up a couple runs. Consider this: Ubaldo has given up more than three runs exactly once since May 22. That was when he gave up four runs in four innings against the Kansas City Royals on July 14th.

The interesting part for the Indians is whether or not they should pick up Ubaldo’s option for 2014. It is a club option for 8 million dollars, with a 1 million dollar buyout. Every Indians fans’ instinct, I would assume, leans toward “get-the-fuck-away-from-this-guy”. But, this season, Ubaldo is 9-8 with a 3.95 ERA. He strikes out 8.9 batters per 9 innings. And Joe Blanton got paid 6.5 million dollars this year: it may be a tougher call than once assumed.

This fucking guy.