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First and foremost: the following is conjecture, uniformed opinions, and ridiculously brutal projection. In other words, it is exactly the same as any other NFL season preview you might read today.

If you are unfamiliar with how we do it at the Clown Show: I am making these predictions without looking anything up, be it team names, players’ names, or other projections. These are off-the-cuff, why-are-you-doing-this, unadulterated opinions about why the Patriots are horribly overrated how I think the 2014 NFL regular season will end up.

AFC East:

Patriots, 10-6: Who fucking cares about this team. They are going to make the playoffs, they are going to lose their first or second round game, and I never, ever want to hear about them, Tom Bardy (I’m keeping that typo), or Bill Bellichek ever again. Oh, they won the Super Bowl three times before I was in high school? DON’T CARE. But yeah, they are pretty good, the defense has improved and Tom Brady may or may not die on the football field this year because good lord is he getting old.

Dolphins, 9-7: Defense is good, I think, offense is okay. I really want to pick the Dolphins to finish above the Patriots, but I can’t do it. I will say, though: I think the Dolphins beat the Patriots Week 1. I picked up Lamar Miller in my auction draft for like 300 dollars. He isn’t even really their starter. My auction draft didn’t go well. Do you think people in Miami treat sports the way people in the Northeast treat the weather? “Yeah, it’s there. I will complain about it when I want, but I will never, ever, compliment it unless it is a conversation that I have in passing.” I think that’s what happens. Fuck Miami.

Jets, 8-8: I am about 1/16 of an inch away from being six feet tall. I have been between 195 pounds and 205 pounds since I graduated high school: this body has taken on all kinds of shapes and forms since 2010, but it’s all really just the same. I have tried to run more, tried to eat better, tried to smoke cigarettes and drink coffee with the hopes of looking better, but I always end up between 195 and 205. I think all of these statements are really good metaphors for being a Jets fan, despite their coach who totally cheated his way into weighing less. Maybe he should try cheating in different ways, like that other coach in this division who has been oh-so-successful when he is allowed to cheat.

Bills, 6-10: I don’t know what to tell you, Buffalo. You know this is true. You know 6-10 is the only record you have ever had. My friend Cooper and I have the best pact I have ever been a part of: if the Browns and Bills ever face off in the AFC Championship, we are dropping everything and attending the game together. Since we are both currently broke and probably will be for the rest of our lives, it is good that this has a one-in-the-earth-will-look-like-Mars-before-that-actually-happens chance of happening. Also, no word yet on whether or not the pact is still on when the Bills move to Toronto in the next few years.

AFC North:

Cincinnati Bengals, 11-5: How this team keeps being good is beyond me. Their owner is stingier than that friend of yours that refuses to add tax and tip before going outside to smoke a cigarette while everyone else picks up the pieces on an expensive restaurant’s bill. They just re-signed some guy to play for them so he could pay for his child’s cancer treatment, which is the most charitable thing the Bengals have done since losing 14 games a year to other NFL teams for two decades in a row. Don’t worry, they are still going to lose their first playoff game.

Pittsburgh Steelers, 8-8: This team sucks, is old, and will still beat my Browns twice while 50% of their roster is eligible to be a part of the AARP.

Baltimore Ravens, 8-8: Hopefully the players’ wives can avoid getting beat on camera for the next six months. The NFL is TOUGHENING UP ON THEM RULES, so the Ravens players are going to have to beat their wives in private from now on. Most importantly, as PFT commenter would pose: “Is Joe Flacco elite?” Only time will tell.

Cleveland Browns, 5-11: But really though, 5-11. They will score one huge upset early in the season — perhaps the Saints, or Bengals — that will get us all excited before losing several head scratchers to teams like the Raiders, or Texans (I think they play the Texans, anyway). Here is a little story that will help you understand what being a Browns fan is like: last year, I broke up with my girlfriend and decided I was moving home to help take care of my sick mother. Two days after those two things happened, the Browns traveled to Foxborough to take on the Patriots. The Browns jumped out to leads of 19-3 and 26-14. At one point I screamed at a group of dejected Patriots fans, “THIS IS MY SUPER BOWL.” The Browns were leading 26-14 with just over a minute remaining. I was scared shitless. All my friends kept saying, “dude, you guys got this,” and I kept saying, “you clearly aren’t a Browns fan.” Sure enough, a touchdown, an onside kick, a bullshit pass interference call, and another touchdown later (and a failed two-point conversion), the Browns were down by one. But wouldn’t you know it that the Browns would rally for me? That they would know one Ricky Automatic needed them to come through and give me some hope? Hope they gave me when Billy Cundiff launched this 58-yarder, for the win:

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How I talked myself into it being a remote possibility that Cundiff would kick a 58-yarder in the cold, December air is beyond me. Truly a mystery. Such is the life of a Cleveland Browns fan, folks.

AFC West: 

Denver Broncos, 13-3: DON’T CARE. Have fun losing the Super Bowl again.

Kansas City Chiefs, 10-6: I have Knile Davis on my fantasy team for some reason. I tried to trade him to the owner that owns Jamaal Charles for Danny Woodhead like Nate Ravitz and Matthew Berry told me to. The other owner did not even return my request. I really, really hope Jamaal Charles gets injured. I don’t regret wishing somebody gets injured. I hate Kansas City. Jamaal Charles is fine, though. He’s really good actually. I hope he doesn’t get injured, I hope he refuses to play for such a clown-ass franchise.

San Diego Chargers, 9-7: I am pretty much predicting the AFC West will finish the way it did last year. Don’t care. Why would you ever go to Qualcomm Stadium on a Sunday when you could go stare at San Diego babes and babettes on the San Diego beaches? There is no right answer to that question other than “you wouldn’t.”

Oakland Raiders, 3-13: Don’t worry, there is still a baseball diamond in the middle of their field. Don’t worry, the A’s won’t go too deep in the playoffs and the baseball diamond will disappear quickly. Raiders fans are hard, are they? How about the time I paid 20 dollars to sit in the ninth row, behind the Browns bench, at the 35-yard-line? I was wearing full Browns gear. I was alone. Nobody said a damn word to me, other than my fellow Browns fans that I was high-fiving. I heard you were HARD, Raiders fans, but it appears you are about as hard as finding a flop-house in the middle of East Oakland. These fans are far softer than people let on, and I can’t blame them because their team really sucks. Have fun with the old MJD-DMC platoon. Oh, and don’t worry: Derek Carr is your starting QB.

AFC South: 

Indianapolis Colts, 12-4: I mistakenly read the “Why Your Team Sucks: Indianopolis Colts” preview on Deadspin, and oh my god did it make me angry. Indy fans have endured fifteen years of Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck and about three months of Curtis Painter. You give the Browns Curtis Painter and he might just start for two consecutive years. This team’s defense is not nearly good enough to go 12-4, their running game totally sucks, but they will go 12-4 anyway because they are lucky sons of bitches that happen to play in the jokiest of joke Divisions.

Tennessee Titans, 7-9: RB platoon of Bishop Sankey and Shonn Greene could be translated into regular English by saying: get some real names. Jake Locker is your quarterback. All of the fantasy intrigue involves which running back will fall down less, and their three wide receivers that I can’t name. Here is my best effort: Justin Hunter, Nate Washington, and some guy who is supposedly better than Nate Washington. Kendall Hunter? No, Kendall… it’s Kendall somebody.

Houston Texans, 7-9: Do you see why it is necessary to pick the Colts to win this division? And to say they will have at least twelve wins? Because if they don’t they are truly dreadful. The Houston Texans are the NFL’s Colorado Rockies: “Wow! An expansion team that can be good sometimes! And they can be really, really bad, too! Never gonna win, though!”

Jacksonville Jaguars, 4-12: Sure, yeah, that’s fine.

NFC East: 

Philadelphia Eagles, 10-6: I drafted Riley Cooper, Jeremy Maclin, and Darren Sproules, because I apparently felt like putting my entire fantasy team on the shoulders of guys who are not good that play for Chip Kelly. Sound strategy, though. My friend Imran is a diehard Eagles fan that wears a Randall Cunningham jersey every week because, Eagles.

New York Giants, 7-9: Holy God this team is bad, but I truly believe they will finish in second. I will no longer ever like the Giants like I did in the past for one reason: I was at a party recently. It was week three of the preseason. This girl was all like, “My Giants are 4-0 in the preaseason!” I was like, naw, babe it’s week three of the preseason. Of course, she was right on the technicality that the Giants had played the Hall of Fame game. I was so flummoxed that I never got to say things like, “Have fun with a team that goes 4-0 in the preseason,” or, “Have fun with a team that goes 4-0 in the preseason.”

Washington Team, 6-10: Nah, just kidding, I have no problem calling them the Redskins, as long as they always refer to me as “that white kid that writes about sports on a blog that nobody reads.” Let’s call a spade a spade! And you know, most of this team has red skin… mmmm…

Alfred Morris is Lil’ Roros favorite fantasy player. I can’t blame him. Do yourself a favor, and Google “Alfred Morris 626.” Then click “Images,” obviously. Ewwww baby boy! Actually don’t do any of that because we obviously have the image saved in our inventory of images:

Steady

 

Dallas Cowboys, 6-10: In a lot of ways, I feel like the Cowboys are the anti-Browns. As in, they have every reason to be good, but they rarely are. Okay, I guess that’s not the opposite of the Browns, per se, but maybe you get the idea? I have heard that their defense is supposed to be all types of bad this year — historically bad, possibly. I can’t wait to see that in action. Who do they play this Thanksgiving, you ask?! I don’t know, you’ll have to look it up. I just know I’m looking forward to a 45-35 SCREAMER.

NFC North: 

Green Bay Packers, 11-5: They already lost a game so I’m going out on a limb by saying they will be 11-4 from here on out. Why? I don’t know. Their defense is porous, but they don’t have to play in Seattle again this season. Unless that happens in the playoffs, which is totally possible. My friend James is an American military man stationed in Italy, and he happens to be a big Green Bay fan. He stayed up until daylight to watch Aaron Rodgers badly lose to the defending World Champs. Kudos to you, James. Keep pretending it was worth it.

Detroit Lions, 10-6: Sure. Why not? Big time offense, good up front, still lacking in the secondary: your Detroit Lions, folks! I can’t wait too see them play whoever they play on Thanksgiving. Because Thanksgiving.

Chicago Bears, 9-7: I bought Jay Cutler for 17 dollars in my auction draft. It was a 200 dollar budget. I am ashamed. But hopefully, you know, he stays healthy enough to through wobbly passes to Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffrey. I mean, fuck it, all he has to do is throw Matt Forte a screen pass every now and then and he will be worth it. The defense is supposed to be improved up front: we shall see.

Minnesota Vikings, 5-11: Oh, baby! The Vikes! Who cares. Outdoor home playing field. AP will tear his ACL once and for all. Teddy Bridgewater will learn what it means to play on a shitty team. Greg Jennings will continue to ask himself why he didn’t just sign with Green Bay for less money. LET’S GO INSIDE THE MIND OF A GREG JENNINGS: ON THE LAST PLAY HE BROKE HIS FUCKING LEG DOE! NOW HE IS SIGNING A CONTRACT WITH MINNESOTA AND EVERYBODY IS LIKE, DON’T DO THAT DOE! HEY YO, DARREN SHARPER, HOLD MAH DICKKKKKKKK.

NFC West: 

San Francisco 49ers, 13-3: I was tired of going chalk, so I’m picking the 9ers here. I hate the 9ers. I’m writing it as “9ers” because my friend Jesse will totally hate it. They are going to be good though, because they have been for some years now. My friend Angel has been putting up videos of the pregame party for the Chile-Mexico match taking place at Levi’s stadium tonight. Let me tell you: I wish I were there, grilling pork with some Mexicans because those guys have so much more fun than the tech bros that will populate Levi’s stadium during 9ers games.

Seattle Seahawks, 11-5: I don’t know why. Who cares. They will probably go 14-2 and win the Super Bowl again. I really don’t care. This is my really, really drunk pick. Those are the kinds that often work out, for whatever reason.

Arizona Cardinals, 8-8: This team was good mostly because of their defense last year: their defense no longer exists due to injury. They will be playing zero men versus eleven. I don’t like their odds. Remember Beanie Wells? I remember Beanie Wells.

St. Louis Rams, 4-12: Shaun Hill, throwing footballs all over the place! Especially into the other team’s hands, we presume!

NFC South: 

New Orleans Saints, 12-4: So many weapons! So little time! Wolfman Rob, patrolling the sidelines, and screaming “FUCK YEAH!” every time the defense does something good. Hurricane Katrina references. Bandwagon fans. Gumbo. Super Bowl champs (awhile ago).

Carolina Panthers, 10-6: “Scamperin’ Scam” seems like too good of a marketing campaign for the Panthers to pass up. Scamperin’ Scam Newton! It has a ring to it! No? I like this team. I like their D (you heard me). I like their secondary. Their linebacking corps is GRITTY GRITTY GRITTY. Their running back crew has freak athletic explosive speed ness (but actually they suck).

Atlanta Falcons, 9-7: Much improved. Steven Jackson might be the best running back on my fantasy roster. I am so fucked.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 6-10: Lovie Smith! Tall receivers! This team sucks. They play in Tampa. Give me a break.

Well, that concludes a useless NFL season preview. What can I tell you? I am drunk, and I wrote all of this in one hour and twenty minutes without proofreading it before I published it. DWI (deal with it).